Massa Bush

Adam Clayton Colon-Bowel, Queen Lotsateetha Rice, "Coke Can Clarence" Frogman Thomas, and Julius Caesar Watts. Now, if Dubya Bush can just exhume Stepin Fetchit and Mantan Moreland and prop them up in jockey outfits on the lawn at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, he'll have successfully rounded up every black person in America who didn't vote Democratic. Meanwhile, Ole Miss cheerleader Trent Lott and professional redneck and ex-exterminator (it takes vermin to know vermin) Tom DeLay laugh themselves sick behind the scenes, knowing the GOP cares as much about the concerns of African-Americans as the Klan. Sure, they can serve. Just don't let them vote, right, Jeb?

Unfortunately, most people view the idea of bringing diversity to an organization or administration as simply a matter of trying to make the group photo look like a Benetton ad. But if all the white, black, brown and yellow faces are simply concealing reactionary conservative philosophies, this diversity is about as real as the kind found in a pint of vanilla soft-serve. Colon-Bowel is still a soldier at heart; Rice is looking for Commies under the bed; Frogman is fresh from going into the tank for Dubya on behalf of his Daddy, along with the rest of the conservative Supremes; and Watts is still living off his rep as a quarterback at the University of Oklahoma.

Blacks in America saw through Dubya's equality charade long ago, which is why 90 percent of them voted against him. Of course, sussing out the Republicans is no big trick, given the vote by Bushie's running mate not to support the release of Nelson Mandela from Robben Island prison, and his own suck-up job on the incredibly racist and intolerant chief Neanderthals at Bob Jones University. Now we're supposed to buy the notion that Junior's administration is going to be a political version of "Movin' On Up?" Pul-eeze. It's bad enough that Dubya will have virtually no say once Big Time, Lott, DeLay, and James Baker begin running the country, parceling out deals to their white boy cronies in the corporate sector or allowing them to re-write environmental legislation. If Queen Lotsateetha and Adam Clayton think they'll have an equal voice in decision-making, they might as well pretend they look Norwegian. Have a great time, kids, serving as beards for the good ol' boys.

Rancid carrot on a stick

As we know from the election, the Dubya crowd will do just about anything to win. Seeing as they have a bit of a problem with the 50-50 split in the Senate, one of their more dubious post-victory strategies has been to try and lure a sitting Democratic senator, from a state with a Republican governor, to serve on the cabinet. Even though there's little chance of any such senator taking the bait, Team W is going through the motions, anyway.

That's why, last Friday, the Washington Post reported that one of the folks being considered for a cabinet post (energy secretary, perhaps?) was our own Senator Jack Reed. That would allow Bigfoot to select some ridiculous Republican crony (Todd LaScola?) to fill the remainder of Jack's term. Needless to say, Jack is about as likely to accept a cabinet slot in the Bush administration as he is to show up at Barry's Barry's Barry's in Travolta disco drag, sucking down Ecstasy, swilling Scotch, and sporting a new poofed-out hairdo. In short, acting like Dubya during his '80s incarnation.

A bigger story

There is a great deal of concern among opponents of Governor Bigfoot's ludicrous container port plan for Quonset Point. This increasingly resembles the night of the living dead of development proposals, as the Missing Linc attempts to resurrect one of his most glaring policy gaffes -- and they are legion. What's setting off the various groups is the Urinal's treatment of the ill-advised port plan as a local issue, keeping most coverage buried in the South County edition. In fact, the enormity of what Bigfoot is trying to ram through, against the overwhelming opposition to which he continues to turn a deaf ear, will have an impact on everyone in the Biggest Little, from Westerly to Woonsocket.

The siting of any project of this size in Narragansett Bay, the natural treasure that may be the only reason why Vo Dilun isn't simply a part of Massachusetts or Connecticut, obviously has ramifications for anyone living here. But this point seems lost on editors at the Other Paper, who keep looking at QP as a not in my backyard (NIMBY) issue. The very fact that Bigfoot keeps crowing about the QP's possible statewide economic benefits, and the reality, if this abomination is built, that every resident will pay for it dearly in tax revenues for years to come, hasn't sunk in on the powers that be at Fountain Street. Also lost is the fact that a complex issue like this, which will require a gargantuan environmental impact assessment (to find out what everyone already knows -- that a megaport would be an environmental disaster) should be covered by someone who understands a bit about our natural resources, such as the Urinal's excellent enviro scribe, Peter Lord. Right now, the no doubt well-meaning Joseph LaPlante is covering it out of the South County office, after coverage of the initial (unsuccessful) port proposal was foisted onto Bill Donovan in the business section. Hello!

Let's hope the BeloJo editors come to their senses soon, and start looking at the way a megaport would hit the residents of Pawtucket and East Providence -- who, coincidentally, are the constituents of House Speaker Pucky Harwood, House Finance major domo Tony Pires and Senate Majority Leader Billy Irons -- right in the pocket and the heart. Irons, for one, came out firing against the massive incinerator that was proposed for QP in the late '80s, realizing full well the horrible and far-reaching impact it would have on the bay's environment and value as a fisheries and recreational resource. The Missing Linc is trying to unleash a massive and nasty 10-ton gorilla at QP. To think it won't be in everyone's back and front yards, if it gets loose, is just plain stupid at best, and ignorant at worst. 

Party hall of fame

People must always pay for their choices, and Phillipe & Jorge are no exception. Because we have been standard-bearers for Pernod and grapefruit, we find our superior selves being dissed by the Jose Cuervo people. Last week, the purveyors of the popular tequila inducted 10 new people to their "Party Hall of Fame" (a lame PR concept if we ever heard of one . . . and, of course, one that we'd kill to be a part of). And who, you may ask, has made the grade? Well, the top new inductee is Sean "Puffy" Combs, who your superior correspondents would love to party with, just as soon as we pick up our custom-made Kevlar tuxedos.

The rest of the 2000 list (in order of popularity) includes Drew Barrymore; George W. Bush; a fourth place tie between Angelina Jolie and Bill Clinton; Howard Stern; Hugh Hefner; Donald Trump; Leonardo DiCaprio; Bill Maher; and Robert Downey Jr. They join a stellar crew (Frank Sinatra, Marv Albert, Mae West and Bob Packwood) in this most dubious of all institutions. The president-elect has got to be proud that he whipped Downey. But just imagine Billary's disappointment in realizing that this will probably be the only chance he'll ever get to be "tied" with Angelina Jolie! A stringent screening process was used by the Cuervo folks -- a survey of 800 bartenders across the country. This should leave no doubt that bartenders sometimes find themselves involved in excessive drinking.

Defending the vinyl castle

We loved the Associated Press item last week about one James Cleghorn of Pawtucket. Mr. Cleghorn plans to sue the city, claiming his home should receive "historic district" status, primarily due to the fact that his family name can be found in Burke's Peerage, the reference book for British aristocracy. While this is quite impressive, the Historic District Commission believes there are mitigating circumstances. Namely, Cleghorn's house is only 80 years old and it has vinyl siding. Of course, Cleghorn's willingness to make a spectacle of himself may have something to do with the $30,000 tax break that he'd receive if his property is selected for historic recognition.

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to Senator Linc Chafee, for following his best instincts and selecting the marvelous Deb Brayton to serve as his legislative director in Washington. Her wisdom, compassion and tireless work on behalf of the least powerful in society means that Chafee is serious about listening to voices that have seldom been heard. Linc's fearlessness in leaning across party lines -- Deb most recently worked in the political arena as an advisor to our old Democratic gubernatorial candidate pal, Myrth "Peppermint Patty" York -- is also impressive. If we had more Deb Braytons in government, everyone would feel a lot better.

. . . to Mark Weiner, longtime Democratic Party activist, fund-raiser, and recent Electoral College member from Vo Dilun. They don't come more combatively partisan than Mark, yet he showed great graciousness and tact in discussing Bush. "A good and decent man," Weiner called W. P&J, who have had our fun with Mark over the years (and expect to continue), feel the same way about the indefatigable Mr. Weiner.

. . . to the editorial board of the Urinal, for getting out in front of the issue and requesting the aforementioned Senator Chafee to retain the fragrant, charming and resolute Meg Curran as Vo Dilun's U.S. Attorney. Given the change in administration, the responsibility for guiding the GOP usurpers of the throne falls to Linc. As with the appointment of Deb Brayton, we have little doubt Linc will again do the right thing for the Biggest Little's citizenry.

. . . to Jim Taricani, for spearheading a wonderful going-away party for his longtime JARhead investigative team partner, Dyana Koelsch, at the Biltmore last week. You know it's not just for show when you see Taricani and the camerapeople who worked with Dyana spontaneously shedding tears, because of her departure to spend more time with her family. Have a wonderful life, Dyana.

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