It's called the Sunshine State

Phillipe and Jorge are hightailing it to Florida to beat a confession out of Jeb Bush that he rigged the balloting in Florida. But in favor of which chump? Is he still pissed that his evil near-twin Dubya gets all the attention, despite his being the stupid one? Or is he showing that famed Bush loyalty, which, in the case of his father, never extended to freedom fighters in China, vis-à-vis the ruling mandarins who kept him and his corporate cronies awash in Amellican dorrarrs, round eyes.

Crikey, though, what a result! Had the voting ended earlier, the New York Times, the grand dame of American journalism, would have pulled a "Dewey Beats Truman," seeing as how at 3 a.m. they declared Boy George a winner over their e-mail listserve, and 80 minutes later, had to stuff that idea back into the box.

The wisest course of action would be to send a few guys from Federal Hill to do some "Avon calling" with members of the Electoral College, to persuade them that Al "Two-by-Four" Gore is indeed the people's champion -- even if by the proverbial hair -- and that their vote should reflect same in December. Anything to avoid a Back to the Future scenario with the competency-challenged Dubya being led by Dick Cheney, Trent Lott and Co. into a netherworld dominated by corporate greed, misogyny, and racism cloaked in the evangelical rantings of a Pat Robertson or Ralph Reed.

Doing our duty

Voting just isn't as much fun as it used to be, and we don't mean because one's selections are down to dumb and dumber, a delusional pedant versus a coddled moron, as they were in this year's election. These newfangled ballots, which are reminiscent of the old "connect the dots" puzzles -- except you don't end up with a panda's face at the end, merely an arrow which would be more apt if it were sticking out either side of the politician's head a la Steve Martin -- are simply not as satisfying as the old pulling of the levers behind the stained and dreary curtain.

Gone are the days when your superior correspondents would race down to the polls, eager to slip behind the privacy of that porn movie curtain, keen to exercise not only our democratic privilege, but also a finely honed bag of tricks. Who can forget the time Jorge totally disrobed after becoming ensconced in the voting booth, throwing each item of clothing saucily over the top of the curtain, like a modern-day Gypsy Rose Lee, while he played "The Stripper" on a portable tape deck?

Or the Election Day when Phillipe sneaked a pair of mannequin's legs in high heels and fish net stockings into the booth under his overcoat, then positioned them in what was quite obviously a Monica Lewinsky-esque position facing himself, before emitting a series of feral groans for more than 20 minutes, until the local constabulary arrived and requested his departure from the booth forthwith. Suffice it to say that while the local gendarmes lacked a sense of humor, their respect for the sanctity of the voting booth remained intact, and P. was quick to praise their respect for personal liberties during the entire ride downtown to the station for booking. Patriots all, indeed. And from what he later understood, the elderly lady who was whisked by paramedics away from the sordid scene had merely fainted, rather than suffering a heart attack as everyone first thought.

At any rate, the best that P&J could do this year was using the marking pen provided in our mini-cubicle to scrawl on the plastic wall, "Want to blow a little dope? Call Laura B." and then jot down the phone number of the governor's mansion in Austin. Hey, we tried.

Stay in the shallow end

We can't imagine anyone being surprised that the Urinal endorsed le petit idiot, Dubya Bush for president. What might raise eyebrows is that save for Boy George, most all of the BeloJo's bestowed blessings for politicians and bond issues mirrored P&J's own selections.

The Other Paper's tradition is that the publisher makes the choice of in the matter of endorsing the presidential candidate, so our friends on the fourth floor at Fountain Street can be held blameless for going for the know-nothing silver spooner. Whether it was publisher Howard Sutton, or perhaps even one of the moneyed rich guys in Dallas, home of the Urinal-owning Belo Corporation, who weighed in on behalf of the drugstore cowboy, we got a kick out of an ensuing letter to the editor which ran on those same editorial pages a few days later.

The author of the missive made the point that no matter which candidate the BeloJo endorsed, it might be nice if the reasoning was as detailed and specified as that of the New York Times, which came out for Al "Two-by-Four" Gore. A nice little tweak of the Urinal's amateur editorialist, for using the "just because" approach to a decision that demanded a much more well-thought out explanation, and one other than the implicit suggestion that more rich white guys will make out better under Dubya. Whitcomb, you cheeky monkey.

Local motion

Back here in Vo Dilun, we've got to hand it to the BeloJo for the clever way in which they hedged their bets on the election outcome. Wednesday morning's headline, "TV calls it for Bush," cleverly places responsibility for calling the election on the rival medium, so the Urinal can say, "Hey, we didn't say Bush won, it's those knuckleheads on the tube."

And by the way, is there any place in the US of A, other than Johnston, where a guy with a criminal record can mount an independent write-in candidacy for mayor and receive 40 percent of the vote?

Forever Young

Your superior correspondents anxiously await the sure-to-come Chuckie Bakst column on why Channel 10 allowed Reform Party Senate candidate, Christopher Young (no relation to a certain Chip Young), into the debate with Linc Chafee and Bob "Dorian" Weygand. We imagine something along the lines of, "See, by letting these turkeys into the debates who have no chance of winning, they just mess everything up."

Well, Phillipe & Jorge don't necessarily feel this way. In fact, considering how tedious Chafee and Weygand tend to be, the Young wild card was the only reason we watched the final debate. Shame on Channel 12 for "pulling a Nader" and booting Young out of the hall a few nights earlier.

We must admit that Young's performance at the debate was pretty amazing. Ordinarily, this sort of "tired and emotional" behavior indicates lingering too long in the Willie Loman Room at the Marriott, but we're certain that the Reform Party standard-bearer was stone sober. The effect of adding Young to the mix was sort of like injecting Herve Villechaize into an act-off between Laurence Olivier and John Gielgud. His overly passionate performance, inability to stick to the questions, and occasionally incoherent outbursts were certainly impressive. Young's disgruntlement at being excluded from the Channel 12 debate was, as he so eloquently explained to an astonished Dyana Koelsch, based on every citizen'sinalienable right to appear on C-Span.

Your superior correspondents share Mr. Young's outrage at being denied the chance to fulfill every political junkie's dream of appearing on C-Span. What we like to call the "Lying down with the (Brian) Lamb" clause of the Bill of Rights

(originally meant to be Section 11 of Article One) was inadvertently left out of the Constitution because of the unfortunate lapse of almost 200 years between the opening of the Constitutional Convention in 1787 and the development of cable television.

Does any righteous citizen believe that Christopher Young should suffer just because of a minor historical technicality? Of course not. Phil Terzian's been on C-Span, so why not Christopher Young?

Another treasure hunt?

We imagine that a great many Vo Dilunduhs have been wondering if the latest dust-up involving Representative Patrick Kennedy's little sea cruise is legitimate or yet another Kennedy shakedown. Our guess is that Patrick knows enough about sailing to indicate something is . . . well, fishy. Of course, your superior correspondents could care less about that part of the story. What we'd like to know is which woman did he drop off, which one did he pick up, and where was Caterina Bandini? Inquiring minds want to know!

Kudos and congrats . . .

. . . to the six den leaders from Cub Scout Pack 88, a pack sponsored by Central Congregational Church in Providence, for taking a stand against the spineless leadership of the Narragansett Council of Boy Scouts. The den leaders sent a letter, which aired their objections to the Narragansett Council's meek acquiescence to the National Boy Scouts' homophobic stance.

On the same topic, Other Paper political columnist Bakst, hit a bull's-eye with his strongly worded piece that ran in the BeloJo last week. A big tip of the sombrero to the Chuckmeister.

And, by the way, how can the Boy Scouts get away with claiming that the phrase in the 1910 Scout oath about being "morally straight" can have anything to do with sexual orientation? According to Richard Spears, the eminent scholar, professor of linguistics at Northwestern University, and author of Slang and Euphemism, the use of the term "straight" for heteros didn't gain popularity until the mid-20th century (and then only among superior behaviorists). It wasn't until the past 25 years or so that the general hetero population was even aware of the term.

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