Major league moron

P&J finally understand why Poppy Bush named Dan Quayle as his vice president -- he reminded him of his half-wit son, George W., corporate America's wholly-owned subsidiary and the GOP's designated word-mangler.

Well, actually Dubya didn't startle the English language, as he's prone to do, when he called New York Times political reporter Adam Clymer a "major league asshole," during an open-mike aside to his own veep in waiting. Poppy's boy was right on target in his assessment, because since he left his titular position as a part owner of the Texas Rangers, the major leagues have been short one asshole. But, as P&J have always thought about the racist Big Oil scumbag Cheney, at least with him you get two assholes in one pair of pants.

But back to Dubya, please, who is making young Danny Boy look like Laurence Olivier when it comes to public performances. As the media is quickly discovering, all you have to do to catch Georgie Boy in a tongue-twister is pay attention for a five minutes. "I know how hard it is to put food on your family" far outweighs not knowing how to spell potato or suggesting, "what a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not to have a mind?" It appears our little George W. has found where Daddy hides the Halcyon in the Kennebunkport medicine cabinet, n'est-çe pas?

Still, watching this little Alfred E. Neuman look-a-like think that he's being wise when he says, "We ought to make the pie higher" would be a lot more humorous if he weren't running for the position of most powerful human on Earth. It's one thing to puke in the lap of Japan's ichi-ban, quite another to not know where Japan is, or to have as good a chance of being understood in Japanese as in English.

As the people who run the Yogi Berra Museum in New Jersey say, "We're open until we close." Time for Dubya the Dumb to shutter the windows.

Joe Blow

P&J are trying hard to cotton to Joe Lieberman, but the man is constantly testing one's patience with his holier-than-thou religious pomposity and, now, his duplicitous attempt to run for both vice president and his current Senate seat in Connecticut.

We don't know about you, but when P&J are on a team, we like to be sure that everyone is 100 percent on board with the agenda of winning. What we don't need is some little weasel hedging his bets by making sure he has a fallback job if he loses his shot at the big time.

Lieberman owes it to not just all Democrats, or those who favor the Gore-Lieberman ticket, to step out of the Senate race and show solidarity with the man who anointed him to his "heartbeat away" slot, but particularly to Nutmeg State voters. If the Dems win the White House, it's a given that the state's GOP governor will appoint a Republican to fill Lieberman's seat. Instead, as the to-be-admired town council of Hampton, Connecticut, said in a recent resolution, Lieberman should get out of the race now, and give another Democrat a fair shot at winning the Senate seat. It's bad enough that it's already September, with just two months to election day.

If you are going to preach, Joe, perhaps you should understand all the ramifications of the word "faith," not just those that suit your purpose.

Deadlier than usual

No one at Casa Diablo was exactly shocked to see the ubiquitous Richard Hatch sitting on the panel for Channel 36's Deadly Experiment last week. It's about time they got a "real American" on the group, i.e. someone who is disdainful of jacket and tie -- thank God he dressed in Newport casual mufti rather than the altogether a la Survivor -- and doesn't even bother to vote. Despite such assumed negatives, fellow panelist Guy Dufault appeared jazzed to sign the newly wealthy Hatch for a future slot on the Democratic ticket.

As a matter of fact, virtually the entire panel (Dufault, Paul Zangari and Her Muffiness, Susan Farmer, pinch-hitting for Steve Kass) spent the first 15 minutes of the show fawning all over Hatcheroo. This proves once again the pathetic desire of Vo Dilunduhs to go "big time" whenever a flavor of the month drops into our collective lap. The sole holdout was M. Charles Bakst. Much to Chuckie's credit, he tried to stay on point and actually discuss public affairs! In fact, it was Bakst who elicited from Hatch the revelation that he's not a voter, since he doesn't know enough about the candidates to make an intelligent choice. Maybe if he didn't spend so much time on TV. As for Deadly Experiment, let's see if they can get Meg Ryan on to discuss her on-again, off-again romance with Dennis Quaid.

Compassionate conservatism

P&J have a little joke which demonstrates just what "compassionate conservatism" means when practiced by the likes of a social standout like Dick Cheney, the advocate of cop killer bullets who voted against the release of Nelson Mandela from Robben Island prison.

Cheney was playing golf with an eye doctor and a priest when they noticed what looked like an eightsome in front of them, taking forever to play. A course ranger drove by in his golf cart, and the doctor inquired about what was going on just in front of them.

"Oh, those are four firemen who saved the lives of the staff here when the clubhouse burnt down last year," the ranger responded. "All of them went blind due to the smoke, so we let them play once a year and the staff helps them make their way around the course."

"That's a wonderful thing," said the doctor. "Tell them I'll give them whatever free treatment they need to help them see." The priest quickly added, "And tell them that we'll raise money at our church for their families and we'll have them in our prayers each week."

At this point, Cheney spoke up: "Can't they just play at night?"

Fun with humanoids

Vo Dilun has certainly got a unique "community" of homegrown criminals. Perusing the Cranston Herald the other day, we came across a police log item concerning a 500-pound backhoe scoop bucket that was reported stolen from the site of a road reconstruction project. Apparently, one of the construction workers who was leaving his backhoe overnight at the construction site took the precaution of burying it for safekeeping. Of course, in the Biggest Little, anything that isn't nailed down will soon disappear, and that includes 500-pound backhoe scoops.

Meanwhile, in Coventry, 39-year-old David Crompton has allegedly discovered a new and creative way of flashing. Authorities in that town arrested Crompton and charged him with disorderly conduct last week after a couple of women, after shopping at a Wal-Mart, discovered nude Polaroids of a man in their car. After leaving the Wal-Mart parking lot, the women proceeded to a restaurant and noticed the same man following them. They called police. There have reportedly been six similar complaints about nude Polaroids turning up in cars throughout the area.

In the realm of dating techniques, this certainly shows more ingenuity than your standard slinking around "Barry's, Barry's, Barry's" resplendent in gold chains and bad designer clothing. We wonder if this approach has triggered anything beyond a court date.

Vermont: The Police State?

Here's a little issue that ought to make the hair stand up on the back of your neck. On September 1, the Vermont Supreme Court ruled that the police may take DNA samples from "potential" crime suspects without first obtaining a warrant. Forget about probable cause and a little thing we like to call the Bill of Rights. The Vermont court found, in a 5-0 decision, that it's not unacceptably intrusive to take a mouth swab from someone who's merely being looked into by the police.

Understandably outraged, public defenders in the Green Mountain State are looking into the possibility of having this case examined by the US Supreme Court. Your superior correspondents say, do it and do it quickly. This is the first time a state supreme court has taken up such an issue. Let's nip this in the bud before the "tough on crime" crowd completely dismantles the Fourth Amendment protection against illegal search and seizure.

Vote (despite the monkey business)

Don't let the increasingly shrill tone of the TV ads in the Democratic primaries for US Senate and the Second Congressional District seat keep you from voting. After all, we still watch the local TV news, despite the fact that at any minute we're expecting Gary Ley to appear in a painted face, bright red fright wig and 48-inch custom shoes. Sad to say, but this is how politics looks in the dumbed-down, media-driven modern age.

Pay no attention to the sideshow. Despite the unseemly displays, these are serious people seeking serious gigs. We blame the use of such puerile tricks on our own morbid curiosity with show biz, withering attention spans, and the comfort and ease of modern life. Notice that "high road" candidates Kevin McAllister and Angel Taveras don't seem to be gaining much in the polls. And how's Ralph Nader doing?

Believe us when we tell you that if they had the money, they'd be right in the mix too. It's the way we do things in the USA, circa 2000 and it's not going to change unless we change. So, put down that remote control, pry yourself away from the "very special episode" of Friends that you've already seen three times (by the way, they're not actually our friends) and read some newspapers. Put in an hour or so every day and consider what these people are really saying. The more we pay attention, the better they'll be forced to behave. And we'll see you at the polls on September 12.

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