Ben Hurt

Could there possibly be anything more comical than seeing the aging, toupeed ex-charioteer Charlton Heston waving a musket around, shrieking at the National Rifle Association's annual convention that Al Gore would have to "pry my gun from my cold, dead hands"? Mr. "I'm not a gladiator but I played one in the movies" appears to have as good a grasp on reality as his old pal Ronnie Rayguns, but at least the former president is living out his own final Death Valley days as the victim of Alzheimer's disease, rather than embarrassing himself in public due to undiagnosed dementia, as in the case of the Moses manqué.

The NRA folks just don't seem to get it, even when it's as noticeable as a gun barrel pressed to one's temple. Assault weapons and hand guns have no place in anyone's home. If you want a rifle for hunting, God bless. But please don't try to tell us that you are going out hunting for deer with a Glock.

According to reports from friends who were there, the Million Mom March was incredibly moving for people who have lost friends and relatives to mindless gun violence. We just hope that the power of this message continues to be impressed upon our representatives in Congress, and some real changes take place. This is a much more appealing thought than the prospect of the NRA's recent pledge to set up shop in the White House of a George Dubya presidency.

On the lighter side of an ugly issue, Phillipe and Jorge got quite a chuckle out of the sign, held by one participant during Providence's local rally, which read: "If guns don't kill people, why don't they get up?" Nuff sed.

On the hot seat

Geez, it must be nice to know that you never make any mistakes. It used to be the Pope who had a stranglehold on that claim, but now we've got Governor George Dubya, the omnipotent executioner from Silver Spoon, Texas.

Dubya boasts that no innocents have been killed by the Lone Star State during his watch. He makes this claim despite the fact that 87 wrongfully convicted people have been sprung from US death rows since 1975; the National Committee to Prevent Wrongful Executions, which includes Dubya's Daddy's FBI head honcho, William Sessions, is reexamining wrongful death sentences; and Georgie Boy's Illinois campaign chairman, Governor George Ryan, established a moratorium on executions in his state, citing 13 innocent people who almost became dead men walking. Given that Dubya has presided over 135 executions since becoming governor, why do P&J find it difficult to believe that Bush is batting a thousand, while the rest of the players are extremely worried about their own batting averages?

Naturally, Dubya knows he's lying, which is evident by his new trick of issuing press releases about executions that contain a disclaimer: "Governor Bush does not have the independent authority to stop an execution." But he did in the case of Betty Lou Beets, a 62-year-old great-grandmother, whose attorney grabbed the literary rights to her story, got caught, served a three-year sentence for taking a bribe in another murder case, and generally gave her rotten representation. And since the media started looking into Dubya's self-proclaimed perfect record, the number of cases in which lawyers for accused murderers took court time to catch up on their sleep is starting to read like a laundry list.

Dubya's number may be coming up, however. There are ongoing investigations into the execution of David Wayne Spence, and more and more evidence suggests that he did not do the crime for which he was killed, with, of course, Bush's blessing. Was that "compassionate conservative," Guv, or "conscienceless conservative."

Please shut up

Hats off to the leadership committee of the 15.9 million strong Southern Baptist Convention which is urging the church to ban women from serving as ministers, despite the fact that 100 have already slipped by as senior pastors. Why? Cause Tim sez, that's why. That's the New Testament book of 1 Timothy, wherein Tim declares, "I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent." Well, that's gonna come as some surprise to female teachers everywhere, not to mention Oprah and Rosie O'Donnell.

Phillipe and Jorge are quite sure that the Southern Baptist Convention leaders are relying on the long-lost book of Yo, Timothy for their current stance, which states: "Only redneck, reactionary peckerwoods shall be permitted to minister to their inbred flocks." Selah.

Lords of the universe don't die, they just change outfits

You may recall that fabulous, self-proclaimed lord of the universe, Guru Mahara Ji from back in the '70s. A stout young fellow with a penchant for multi-million dollar jets and luxury automobiles, Ji amassed quite a following with his entertaining performances. Your superior correspondents actually knew a number of his followers (called Premies), who were so dazzled by Ji that they gave up most of their earthly possessions, all so he could have another yacht.

Good news for those folks who still feel that Ji is the modern exemplar of "Love." He's still around and will be doing a show at the Copley Theater (224 Clarendon Street, Boston) on June 12. We mention this because Ji apparently likes to keep these things sort of hushed up to preclude media from showing up and (shudder) implying the whole thing is a massive scam. We understand that only about 600 of his followers have been invited to this clambake at $45-a-head, which should be enough to fuel the Gulfstream IV for a few days. To help the poor guy out, we're suggesting you make it over to the Copley just to see how the operation has changed now that he's wearing a suit and a tie.

Enter Lazio

Political handicappers are scrambling to get a fix on the Senate race in New York, now that Rudy has bailed. Casa Diablo says that Hillary may just have a rougher time battling her new opponent, US Representative Rick Lazio, than she would have against Giuliani. That's because the "hate Hillary" factor was pretty well balanced off by the "hate Rudy" factor, not to mention the "crazy Rudy" factor that the mayor of New York brings to any contest he's engaged in.

Giuliani is such a profound asshole that you could rely on him to say something really thoughtless and hateful at the drop of a hat. There are enough thoughtful moderates in New York who have been appalled by Rudy's insensitivity to minority communities that Hillary had a clear advantage. She's been playing the campaign just right, while Rudy's tin ear was starting to show, as recent polls indicated.

Now it's a whole new ball game. Lazio has nowhere near the negatives of Giuliani and a somewhat middle-of-the-road image. But he's still a Republican and a bit too palsy-walsy with the odious Tom DeLays and Dick Armeys of this world. We say the race will tighten considerably in the next three-to-six weeks, but Hillary still wins.

Job opportunities Down Under

Late word from Sydney, Australia, is that major corporations have pretty much booked all the prostitutes for the upcoming Olympics and there's a great need for new recruits. This bodes well for American prostitutes, who will probably be able to use some of their earnings from the Democratic and Republican conventions this summer, to book passage Down Under for the September kick-off.

For those considering the journey, we understand that rates in Sydney run about $80 to $90 per half-hour. These are the posted charges at popular spots like the Northside Executive Retreat, La Petite Aroma and The Golden Apple.

Of course, P&J would love to know the names of those major corporations that have already booked in advance, causing the current shortage. We can assume that many are US-based outfits and, considering the legal status of prostitution in Australia, they would probably be able to write off "entertainment" expenses on the old corporate expense account. We're proud to see that even though the Olympics are the premier amateur athletic event in the world, professionals will also get their due.

Sundays: Must-see TV

Two weeks ago, it was Jesus vs. Regis when the thrill of seeing some new white guy playing J momentarily convinced television audiences across the country to bypass Who Wants to Be a Millionaire for at least one evening. The obviously emboldened television executives decided to press their luck this past week with not one, but two, kitsch-filled offerings -- enough to make the ever brain-dead viewers at Casa Diablo flip a coin to see what we'd watch.

Would it be the inside story of The Brady Bunch or two unconvincing actors making believe they were Paul and Linda McCartney? Much as we are in sympathy with PETA and the vegetarian movement, your superior correspondents felt the great desire to consume ham. So we tuned in the Brady film, mistakenly thinking it was something about Jim and Sarah Brady and gun control. It should have been about gun control because, after five minutes of this swill, Jorge was reaching for the oversized Three Stooges hammer under the armoire in the Boom Boom Room, threatening to smash himself if he had to stomach another hour and 50 minutes of this travesty.

After all, we had just come down from the final episode of Beverly Hills 90210. We figure, if they can slather that much pancake on Luke Perry so he doesn't look all of his 61 years, couldn't they do the same for Florence Henderson? No, we had to endure fake Bradys in heat, which is almost as bad as a porn film starring Jerry Mathers. This, friends, is why heavy drinking is coming back into style.

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