Department of Campaign Theme Songs

Our favorite press release of the week comes from the Los Angeles offices of Epitaph Records. Epitaph recording artists the Dwarves, inspired by the decision to play the Billy Joel tune "Captain Jack" at Hillary Rodham Clinton's official announcement rally, have offered one of their own tunes as a theme song for the George "Dubya" Bush campaign.

You may recall that the Bush people jumped on the inclusion of "Captain Jack" at the Hillary rally because the song deals with some uncommon subject matter for a political candidate. Noting that "The first lady's decision to adopt a song depicting drug use and masturbation is an exciting step in the direction of honest politics," Bing Dahlia of the Dwarves has offered up the tune, "River City Rapist" for use in the Bush campaign.

While the Dwarves acknowledge that they didn't pen the tune with Dubya in mind, the band says it does "feel that the line: `I'm a River City Rapist! I'm gonna rape the USA!' fits the tone of the Bush campaign perfectly." Your superior correspondents are not exactly sure why, but Epitaph is apparently distributing jars of mayonnaise with review copies of the band's new CD, The Dwarves Come Clean.

This may be the best match-up of politician and song since the day at T.F. Green Airport, some 20 years ago, when the Cranston High School band greeted a plane carrying former US Representative Eddie Beard with a rousing rendition of "Send In the Clowns."

Department of Campaign TV Endorsements

While P&J are delving into the fine arts as used in our political arena, let's not forget the vigilant warriors whobring us TV spots featuring celebrity endorsements. We now have megastar Michael Jordan spieling for Dollar Bill Bradley (who will visit the Biggest Little February 17) and fellow hoopster Shaquille O'Neal going on camera for the loathsome liar Al "Two-by-four" Gore (let that just give you an idea of the comparable levels that these two campaigns aim and operate at). Unfortunately, "Boy George" Bush has as yet been unable to land Atlanta Braves' pitcher John Rocker to aid his campaign by declaring his outspoken support for Dubya on the airwaves.

Rocker, whose racist remarks have embarrassed the city of Atlanta, Major League Baseball, the Braves and his teammates -- although, unfortunately, not the boy himself -- would be perfect for Dubya, given Boy George's embrace of the equally repellent and racially ignorant Bob Jones University (sic). Dubya made one of his first campaign speeches in the South Carolina at Bob Jones to show his solidarity with an institution that prohibits interracial dating, believing that whites should date whites, Orientals should date Orientals, and nobody should date blacks except their own tinted ilk.

Hats off to Tim Russert of Meet the Press, who on Sunday slapped Boy George in the face for his egregious suck-up to the racists who continue to fly the confederate flag over their state house. Russert placed quotes on-screen from Bob Jones III, the current grand dragon of the university, who called Dubya's dad a "devil," and one from B.J. Jr., who identified the pope as the "anti-Christ." In response, Georgie Boy squirmed, squinted and squealed like a pig in offering the lamest excuses imaginable for his connection to the Jones Klan, er, excuse us, clan. "People change, Tim" was about all W could offer in the way of a convincing argument. The best part is that Russert's attack took nearly a quarter of the show's airtime; this must have driven Dubya's campaign spin doctors insane since they lost that many minutes to lie about his record in Texas.

Meanwhile, a note to Mr. Bradley about his new bedfellow, Nike Mikey: Despite making more money than God and Allah combined, Jordan has shown little concern about social issues such as race relations, poverty or having Nike sneakers made by child sweatshop labor. As long as his tee time isn't delayed, all's right with the world for the middle-class raised Mr. Jordan, who now finds himself a multi-millionaire (although it is nice to see that both he and Shaq are Dems, given the tax breaks most rich black athletes seek by cuddling up to a GOP that wouldn't let them join their own country clubs -- say hello, Sir Charles Barkley!).

Perhaps Jordan would like to put his money and time where his mouth is and take some serious stands, rather than just shilling for another ex-jock who he deigns to recognize as an equal. And if you saw Jordan on the recent ESPYs refer to himself in the third person -- "Michael Jordan respects those people" -- so many times that it made you want to puke, you'll know how far from reality he exists.

Irish sports pages

A sorrowful, but well-timed death for Charles Schulz last Sunday morning. His Peanuts comic strip is classic Americana and it accompanied and help shape the baby-boomer generation. Schulz was even more noteworthy for his variety of artistic skills, as demonstrated during his stellar TV career. First, as the sharp-talking, jovial dog's body assistant to Bob Cummings on Love That Bob, a famed'50s sitcom. And who can forget his signature role as the affable, naïve and huffing German concentration camp sergeant in Hogan's Heroes, with his trademark line, "I knoooow nosss-SINK!" A great talent gone forever.

In the sewer

Governor Bigfoot is taking a big gamble by trying to allocate $30 million of this year's budget for the much-needed combined sewer overflow project to begin the clean-up of upper Narragansett Bay. While P&J strongly support the concept, we would urge any lawmakers at Halitosis Hall to avoid sending sums of money that large the way of the Narragansett Bay Commission while an environmental nightmare, the jumped-up greaser Vinny "Family Man" Mesolella, still has his nose in the NBC trough as the agency's chairman. The ex-legislator is most renowned in the recent past for draining lakes in Coventry, threatening non-payers of sewer bills with eviction from their homes, and pursuing a career as a developer in direct conflict with his role as head of NBC and the state's underground storage tank relief fund.

But don't get your hopes high, as Speaker John "Pucky" Harwood is the man whose derriere Family Man's lips were attached to during his time on Smith Hill, and who delayed replacing him after he left the General Assembly until the mayor of North Providence made Vinny his own designee. If the NBC is still full of excrement, who can expect them to be able to clean up the bay?

Remembering Furn

It was truly shocking news to hear last week that Steve Furness, the standout defense lineman for so many great '70s Pittsburgh Steeler teams, had passed away at the age of 49. Furn and Jorge were good friends as URI classmates back in the late '60s and early '70s. He will always be remembered as a smart, gracious and very funny guy who was the essence of a team player. He was also a great competitor, whether it was on the track or football field, or just playing hearts or bridge in Ellery Hall. Jorge and Furn learned how to play bridge (quite badly) at URI along with our respective roommates, Eddie Tymko and Jim Marion. Furn was known as the most tenacious of card players.

One of our favorite tricks had to do with Jim Sequeira, another of our card-playing cronies. Whenever we played cards, we would have nearby (usually hidden under Furn's chair) the Mothers of Invention album Cruising with Ruben & the Jets. On the back of the album jacket was a large image of a Frank Zappa high school graduation picture that bore a vague resemblance to Sequeira. On regular occasions, we would all gang up on Jim and someone would whip out the album cover and hold the photograph next to his head. This would drive him nuts, and only spurred us to even greater attacks of 52-card retribution against Jim. It's goofy, stupid stuff like this that we all remember.

Furn had an incredible ability to control his weight. Between football and track seasons (he was a nationally ranked hammer thrower), Steve was able, within the course of a month, to gain or lose 25 pounds, virtually at will. Everyone found this amazing. We'll always remember as well Steve's fastidiousness about his dorm room. He was virtually the only guy we know who steadfastly made his bed each morning after breakfast. Woe unto anyone who came into his room and messed up his perfectly appointed personal space. As a matter of fact, Steve used to say that the main reason he never joined a fraternity at URI (and plenty of fraternities were rushing him) was because the frat houses were too messy.

Lots of memories of raucous, silly stuff came rushing into Jorge's head when he heard the terrible news last week about the passing of one of the greatest athletes ever to come out of our state. But mostly, Steve Furness will be remembered as a thoughtful friend, a deep thinker and a man who was greatly admired and loved by just about everyone who was fortunate enough to know him. A lot of recent news stories have been about professional athletes who come up short in their personal lives. Steve Furness was the epitome of the good guy-star athlete. We mourn the passing of this role model and beautiful person, and offer our deepest condolences to his family and many friends.

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