What is love?

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
A few months ago, I met a woman -- a friend of my sisters -- and after hanging out with her for a while, found myself hopelessly in love with her. OK, maybe not hopelessly, but very deeply. I'm 42 years old and have been married, and divorced, so relationships aren't really a new thing to me. I feel, and she admits, that she has feelings for me, too, but she says I can't be in love with her, because I "don't know her." Could it be that I suffer from an emotional schizophrenia and see things that aren't there? Is there a certain amount of time and knowledge necessary to predicate true feeling? Or is love the mystical thing we want it to be - something that can happen without reason and logic?

-- Who Knows

Dear Who Knows,
The lead definition for love in the Webster's Unabridged (deluxe 2nd edition) sitting on Dr. Lovemonkey's desk is "a strong affection for or attachment or devotion to a person or persons." Does that sum it all up for you? Do you think that there might be more (or less) to it than that?

The fact is that different people have different notions of what constitutes love. Add the fact that the timeframe for falling in love varies with the individual, and you can see why you have different perspectives on this. You ask if there's "a certain amount of time and knowledge necessary to predicate true feeling?" and I would say, yes. However, that time frame can vary widely. Some people are able to get an accurate grasp of another person's character and sensibility quite quickly, while it takes more time with others.

Perhaps the object of your affections is one who takes a much longer time to develop the feelings that you've developed rather rapidly. This is entirely possible.

But rather than continuing with this rather abstract philosophical debate, the best thing for you to do in this situation is . . . nothing. As with so many other relationships, balance is important. Usually one partner or the other feels more ardor than the other. Sometimes it switches back and forth. For you, patience is necessary.

She doesn't believe that you know her so, continue to get to know her. There are instinctual, as well as logical, emotional, and other elements, to "love." At its best, it engages you in all sorts of ways. Certainly, it's frustrating if your instincts are working on a different time schedule than hers, but hang in there. My only advice is to drop the philosophical discussion on what it takes to "know" someone. There is no concrete measurement for such things, and therefore, no real answer.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm trying to figure out if this guy who I work out with at the gym is flirting with me. We both work out on weekdays and, usually, after the weekend, he says he's glad to see me and that he's "missed my beautiful smile."

When we talk, we always look directly into each other's eyes. Also, I've noticed that he's checking me out sometimes (I catch him watching me from a mirror or out of the corner of my eyes). This has been going on for a few months now. He hasn't actually asked me out or said anything suggestive, but by his body language, I'm pretty sure that he's interested.

I'm interested in him, too, although I think he's married. What is the smartest way to find out if he's really interested in me without appearing to be coming on to him?

-- Intrigued

Dear Confused,
Since you mentioned that you'd like to be "smart" about this, the smartest thing would be to ascertain whether or not the guy is married. If he is, needless to say, stay away. Call me old-fashioned, but Dr. Lovemonkey has always been of the opinion that going out with people who lie and deceive others (and there are very few adulterous circumstances in which this isn't the case) is unwise.

I certainly hope that he's not married because he's definitely flirting with you -- as sure as Jerry Lewis has too much oil in his hair.

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