All in a name?

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
All the guys that I meet seem only interested in getting in my pants. I can't seem to sustain a serious conversation with anyone before they start coming on to me. Is all that guys want pussy or what?

-- Booty Girl

Dear Booty Girl,
Although I don't know your age nor the ages of the men you are encountering, I can tell you that with young men, certainly, sex is a mighty high priority. On the other hand, if you're looking to cool their ardor a bit, you might want to consider sobriquets other than "Booty Girl." (This goes for you as well, Mr. Big Shaft, another recent correspondent who was wondering why women seem a bit standoffish.) There are guys out there who are interested in more than getting in your pants. Meeting them has a lot to do with situational details. Nightclubs and bars, for instance, tend to be strong on the sex theme in the same way that banks tend to be about money. Try a wider variety of venues for meeting people and let your own personal interests and intelligence shine.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
For some time now I've been flirting with a certain woman at work. Recently, she got married but continues to flirt with me in the same way. My instincts tell me to back off. What do you think?

-- Confused

Dear Confused,
Follow your instincts. Back off.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
So here's my situation. I met Bob a few months ago, and we started flirting with each other right around when I met my boyfriend John. After a few weeks into my relationship with John, Bob suggested that we should bring our friendship to the next level. Bob knew I had a boyfriend, and Bob also has a girlfriend. But he thought it was OK for us to get together as long as my boyfriend or his girlfriend never found out about us. Me and Bob have had many discussions on this, and, according to him, he thinks it's totally OK to go out with more than one person, especially when you're young and exploring, as long as no one else's feelings gets hurt. I really like both Bob and John, but I'm not like in love with either of them. So, do you think it's OK for me to go on like this, or do I have to pick one over another? Bob and I have tried to break off our relationship and just become friends, and that didn't last too long, because we have feelings for each other, but I really want to stay friends with him too.

-- Confused and Feeling Selfish

Dear Confused and Feeling Selfish,
The question you have to ask yourself is, do you believe that being deceitful is something that will hurt someone else's feelings? Dr. Lovemonkey says, definitely, yes. Being "young and exploring" does not mean that you have no obligation to be honest with the people you are intimately involved with. Bob obviously has no problem deceiving his girlfriend. You instinctively sense that this is wrong and you are right.

As far as being "young and exploring," this is fine. But what you should do is inform those that you become intimately involved with, right up front, that you don't wish to be held to a monogamous relationship. There are those with whom this is okay. It would seem that John and Bob's girlfriend are not among them as you and Bob feel it necessary that they "never find out."

You owe it to John to either break it off with him, break it off with Bob or tell him that you are seeing both him and Bob. I'm sure that none of these prospects seem particularly appetizing, but honesty is not just the best policy, it's the only policy if you are interested in having a healthy relationship with someone. I can't tell you if John is a good prospect, but I can tell you that Bob is not. Since he believes that it is okay to deceive the person he is in a relationship with, who's to say that he isn't deceiving you in some way (so that your feelings won't get hurt)? Bob is a bad bill of goods.

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