Is three a crowd?

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am in a great relationship with a wonderful woman. We have been together for almost five years. We've had our down times, but, for the most part, we have a great relationship.

We have had several talks about having a third party get involved in our night life, if you know what I mean. I know my girlfriend is attracted to women. We talk openly about it and watch lesbian porn together fairly often. I want us to have an open relationship and to be honest with each other. As much as I think it's great that she likes women (hell I do!) it disturbs me a little. I'm a little jealous and feel like I'm not fulfilling her desires. Is this irrational? I mean, obviously she's looking for something that a man doesn't have. Is it maybe an emotional thing? I guess what I am really trying to ask is, should I be jealous? Is this a natural thing?

-- B.

Dear B.,
Is it a natural for someone's sexual curiosity to extend beyond their partner? Certainly. You mention that you've had several talks about involving a third party, but you didn't say what her reaction was. Did she or did you bring up the idea? If she's the one trying to bring another woman into your sexual life, you have to decide, together, if you're both enthusiastic about it. If one of you is at all hesitant, don't do it.

Dr. Lovemonkey has always maintained that threesomes are fraught with danger. Although many people feel falsely confident that they'll be able to compartmentalize their feelings, bringing a third person into a successful relationship (for whatever reason) usually foments problems. You are already wrestling with feelings of jealousy, so why aggravate this?

It's natural for people to have sexual curiosity and be attracted to those other than their partner. But acting on this is something else. Do not mistake acting on every desire for "honesty" or "openness." Unless your partner is really pushing for an encounter with a third party, I'd drop the subject.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm having a problem with a girl that I really like. I think that she really likes me, too, but she is only 15, and I'm 21. Should I wait until she is 16? What's the deal with age gaps like this?

-- J.D.

Dear J.D.,
You might want to check with local law enforcement about the age at which someone in your state is no longer considered a minor. Fifteen will get you 20, and all that. More important than the age gap between you, however, is that a 15-year-old is still developing emotionally, intellectually and physically. She isn't yet mature enough to be involved intimately with a 21-year-old man. Nor will she be at 16.

That you would be attracted to each other isn't unusual, but this match doesn't have the makings of a balanced and healthy relationship. In a few years, the six-year age difference will be a minor issue, but at 21 and 15, it's a big, big difference. Back off and give her room to grow. Check back around 2006.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a college junior and there is a woman at my school who I'm very attracted to. We've talked on a number of occasions, and although she's very nice to me, she hasn't shown any indication of being interested. I once wrote her a note in which I mentioned my strong feeling for her, and she seemed to avoid me for a month or so after that. She is considered one of the most attractive women at school and could basically have anyone she wanted. What do you think my next move should be?

-- Obsessed

Dear Obsessed,
You should cool it. To paraphrase that male icon Tarzan, "interest, good: obsession, bad." If she's an acknowledged great beauty, she won't be attracted to some guy who's worshipping at her shrine. Remain friendly while, at the same time, interesting yourself in other women. Try to develop a more casual relationship with this gal based on friendship, casual fun, and shared interests. Push the romance thing out of your mind. If anything's to happen, she'll come to you. If not, concentrate on having fun with a variety of people.

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