Clearing the air

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with Brad for more than a year. We're both sophomores in college, going to the same school. About three months ago, after we had been having pretty persistent arguments for a few weeks (they were all about minor issues, I can assure you), Brad suggested that we take some time out from each other to try to clear the air.

Although I wasn't enthusiastic about the idea, I went along with it, thinking that maybe it would improve matters. Well, the very next day, a friend of mine saw Brad walking around the campus holding hands with another girl. Another friend also saw him with this girl on the same day in another place.

Within a couple of days, Brad called and suggested that we get back together, saying he thought we could work things out. We did and things have been going well since then. My problem is, when I confronted him about the other girl, he claimed he wasn't "cheating" on me, because we were on a time-out or break. He acknowledged that he and the girl had been intimate, but he didn't think it counted.

I don't accept this and think that his thinking on the matter is completely wrong. What do you think?

-- Irritated in a Minor Way

Dear Irritated in a Minor Way,
I'm sure you think there's something incredibly convenient and suspicious about the momentary break in your relationship, which took place at Brad's suggestion. You would be right. From Dr. Lovemonkey's perspective, this is cheating. You were supposedly taking some time to consider the direction and quality of your relationship. That time is to be spent thinking about and trying to make sense of your intimate relationship with each other. You may not see each other for a while, but it is assumed that the time is to be used to work on your relationship.

But if you believe you're working things out, I would probably drop the subject and concentrate on your relationship. If he actually thinks that his behavior was ethically sound, he has a lot to learn. My hope is that he will mature. But you should start thinking about ditching this boyfriend if he continues to exhibit similar behavior or thinking. It's worth another shot, but not much more.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm in love with a man who is living with someone else. He has told me that he loves her, isn't planning on leaving her, and doesn't want to hurt her. We've tried to break off our (mostly physical) relationship, but found it too hard. We see each other when his girlfriend is working.

I know that this relationship has no real future right now, but I think I should enjoy it for as long as I can stand the situation. I'm just looking for a little feedback on this, as I'm too into it to be objective.

-- Pleasure & Pain

Dear Pleasure & Pain,
You have somehow convinced yourself that this guy is being reasonable. He loves his girlfriend and doesn't want to hurt her? Well, he certainly doesn't exhibit that love by secretly seeing someone else on the side. His concern isn't with hurting his girlfriend at all, because if that truly matters to someone, they wouldn't engage in such deceitful behavior. He is merely trying to avoid the consequences for living a lie.

Your behavior isn't any better. You know this man is involved in an intimate relationship with someone else and you're complicit in his cheating and lying. That qualifier in your statement -- "I know that this relationship has no real future right now" -- indicates how you feel that maybe something will change and you're subconsciously (or semi-consciously) hoping for that.

If this happens, though, you'll have the deceitful cheater all to yourself. Until, of course, he finds someone else to cheat with. And he will undoubtedly try and keep this a secret from you, because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you. It should be obvious that this is a dead end, and this guy is full of shit. Stop now. You are both doing serious damage.

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