Cracked

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have an etiquette question: If I am at home smoking crack on a Saturday night and the girl that I have been flamming for the last four days shows up unexpectedly, am I obliged to offer her some crack?

-- Jiffy Lube

Dear Jiffy Lube,
How rude of her to bust in on your solo crack smoking party! If I were you, I would be outraged. Just because you have been ìflammingî her (and for only four days!) does not mean that youíre obligated to give a shit about her, or anyone else, for that matter. She is quite presumptuous to think that being flammed equals crack access.

In terms of crack smoking etiquette, the primary rules are that youíre not expected to have human feelings for anyone, including yourself. Lying to her and everyone else, committing low-level crimes to further your crack habit, abusing all human relationships ó this is the etiquette that would apply to the crack smoking flam artist such as yourself. Not too hard to follow, if youíre up to the challenge.

So, donít feel obligated to share anything with her. Thereís even a school of thought that suggests you might be doing her a favor by refusing to share your crack and booting her out because of her impertinence in acting as if there were something more to your relationship than the impersonal ìflam.î The thinking is, she might actually be better off having nothing to do with the likes of you, even though we know how inspiring and positive an influence youíve been in her life.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I like this girl, I really care about her, and my feelings are unconditional. Weíve known each other for about three years, but I just canít tell her how I feel. This is because I have a major fear of rejection. Iíve been rejected before and it took years for me to get over it.

I want to get past the ìjust friendsî stage and show that Iím serious about making her happy. I see other guys hurt her all the time and I canít stand it. I will care for her whether or not we get together and become a couple, but I truly know that I can make her happy. Her friends have told me that she has feelings for me, but our feelings wonít be expressed until I make a move. I want to be the first person to love her, but I canít if I donít tell her how I feel.

Please help me. What can I do or say to show that thereís somebody genuine here for her?

-- The Real Guy

Dear The Real Guy,
If you, as you say, love her unconditionally and will make her happy, whether or not you become a couple (by this, I assume, youíre saying that youíd remain friends), then you should be able to open up and tell her how you feel. Youíre using the word unconditional, but your great fear of rejection ó and how you will respond to the possibility of it ó seems quite conditional.

Needless to say, you must take to your bosom the advice of Lady MacBeth and ìscrew your courage to the sticking-place.î Tell her how you feel. In your current state of infatuation, you somehow believe that youíll never disappoint or hurt her like these other guys. Donít kid yourself. Life is full of disappointments and hurts, and if you end up fomenting a romance, these, too, will come up for you.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Iíve been pursuing a woman at work. It seems that we have a lot of things in common, but her interest in me seems to come and go. Also, she has a pretty active sex life with what seems like a number of other people. She says sheís dissatisfied with the different guys sheís been seeing, but then when I asked her out recently, she said yes, but seems even less enthusiastic about me since then. Iím 22 and sheís 19. What gives here?

-- Jerry

Dear Jerry,
Her insecurity seems to be the story. She enjoys the attention and the number of men that she attracts, but she loses interest when sheís achieved the attention she desires. Pull back, show less interest in her, and see if she starts seeming more interested in you.

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