One-way street

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been involved with my man for the past couple of years. We had broken up for a few months, citing lack of drive and passion as the force that damned us. Of course, being well versed in therapy-speak, I had announced these issues as being compromising to my own well-being. Now we've gotten back together, although it was not in the romantic-sweeping-me-off-my-feet fashion that I'd been craving for so long. Rather, it "just kinda happened" -- boring, no blast, but hell, the sex has been good.

I was really hoping that this time around we'd both try. The problem is that my boyfriend sees trying as a means to an end. He feels that one needn't try in a relationship. Did I mention that he's 22? I've been showing genuine concern for his often pretentious obsession with music and all that is indie rock, although he also falsely claims that he hates those rock kids. I've paid his way through dinners and movies because his record store earnings barely pay for his comic book holders. Basically, I'm trying.

He, on the other hand, is acting the same as before, and I'm spoiling him by being such a damned sweetie pie. I'm all for keeping up with my actions. I love doting on my boyfriend and making him feel special, but I would like something in return. How I could court him affectionately without losing my sense of self, while also getting' me some unselfish lovin' in the meantime? 

-- Little Miss Annoyingly Expressive

Dear Little Miss Annoyingly Expressive,
You've done what you can. You've told him about your dissatisfaction, explained the motivation issue (at least in regard to your relationship), and you've also been supportive of him. In return, he's opened up just enough to hold on to you, and you've given in by getting back together with him. It sounds to Dr. Lovemonkey like this guy is pretty dedicated to his slacker life. He obviously was not jolted enough by the break-up to make a real effort at change, and so, you're propping up the relationship on your own.

Your choices are to continue this way and hope that he'll change, or confront him with the fact that he's the weakest link in this relationship, and say, "Goodbye." If you say this just like that annoying British woman on television, you may so disgust and infuriate Mr. Indie Rock that he'll leave on his own. You appear ready to work on a deeper, more satisfying relationship, and he isn't, unless he can be jolted into it.

You need to get tough with him -- the opposite of the doting you're doing now -- and lay down some specific ways in which you'd like him to change. If he can't meet those basic requirements, there's no future for this relationship. The problem is with him, but you're allowing it to continue.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm young (22), attractive, and meet a lot of guys in all sorts of circumstances, but it seems that all of them only want me for sex and nothing more. I have a whole lot more to offer than that, but I seem to only attract guys whose entire universe is happening behind their zipper. How do I avoid these guys and meet people with a little something more on their minds?

-- Tired of the Dick Boys

Dear Tired of the Dick Boys,
If you've talked to a number of your female friends about this, they probably have similar tales. Most guys of your age are in that raging hormone mode. Women tend to need a reason for having sex, while men need just a place and the sliver of an opportunity (What? There's an old mattress out at the ball field! Let's go there immediately).

There are certainly guys, though, who would like to have an actual relationship, as opposed to a 20-minute roll in the hay. Here are just a few tips on being able to distinguish between the guys who might be good candidates for a relationship and those who are only interested in sex:

If, when you're talking to a guy, he's actually listening and responding to what you say, he might be a candidate. If, however, he isn't really listening, talks about only what he wants to talk about, and seems to be checking in the mirror to see if the bulge in his pants is prominent enough, he's a bad bill of goods.

If he calls and wants to make a date to do something and is solicitous of your schedule and what is convenient for you, this is good. If he calls at the last minute and his plans for the both of you revolve around his convenience and schedule, chances are that his dick is his closest advisor.

One way to tell for sure which head any potential boyfriend might be "thinking" with is to hold off on sexual activity for a while and see how he responds. This might open up an opportunity for you to talk to him about your experiences with men who only want sex and how you would like more than that. Tell him that having sex at such any early stage changes the picture for you and see what his reaction is.

<-- Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend's name is Rose and I'm thinking about getting a tattoo on my butt featuring a visual representation of a rose and the word "Rose." I'm only 19 years old. Do you think this is a good idea?

-- Big Ben

Dear Big Ben,
Probably not and, as Don Corleone (Marlon Brando) told Solozzo (Al Lettieri) in The Godfather, "I'll give you my reasons." It doesn't matter to Dr. Lovemonkey what a man has tattooed on his butt. However, you did not mention that you and Rose were considering marriage or even in love. Take it from another distinguished actor, Johnny Depp, who had to have his "Winona Forever" tattoo painfully altered after breaking up with Ms. Ryder, placing the actual name of your current girlfriend in tattoo form on your body is not always a good idea.

Does Rose feel that your butt is an appropriate spot for such a tribute? If indeed she does, and you are determined to go through with this touching salute, let me suggest that you dispense with the name "Rose" and just have the visual depiction of the flower done. This way, when you break up with Rose (which, from what I can glean from the genius you've already exhibited, I suspect will happen before the healing is complete on your derriere), you won't necessarily have to explain too much to your next intimate mate who may just think, "So, he's got a flower on his butt."

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