Wrong number?

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm not sure what to think about my boyfriend. We have a great relationship, but a couple of times in the last month, I've received phone calls which make me suspect that he's having an affair. The first time I answered the phone, a woman caller said she was selling magazines, and I told her I wasn't interested. Then, about a week later, I got another call -- it sounded like the same voice -- and she said she had called the wrong number. The thing is, both of these occasions were times when I'm generally at work.

When I mentioned the suspicious calls to my boyfriend, he sort of laughed and said that maybe I'm being paranoid. He said, of course, that he's not seeing anyone else. Things have been great between us and I don't have any real evidence, other than my intuition, which is setting off alarms. Do you think I'm being paranoid or might something be going on?

-- Unsure

Dear Unsure,
I can't really tell. However, it seems that you both have to look into your own fears and suspicions, and talk further with your boyfriend about your feelings. Some people, because they need to be in control, or since they just can't help themselves from speculating and imagining the worst, perpetually look at the glass as half empty. You have to think about whether this is your sort of perspective.

On the other hand, this is not necessarily something that you've imagined. There may be some reason for you to feel suspicious. How does your boyfriend deal with being challenged? How insistent is he that you're being paranoid? What has been his way of dealing with disagreements or arguments in the past? If he's gone off in a huff (or a minute and a huff -- hey, as a lifelong Groucho Marx fan, I couldn't restrain myself), and decided that he will "teach you a lesson," it would be a bad sign.

At present, I'd say your suspicions are not fully justified. But if your boyfriend tries to totally laugh off your concerns, belittle you, or gets really angry, there might be something there. But if he listens to your concerns, assures you that he's not involved with anyone else, and demonstrates a desire to be closer, you should then focus on your own fears and why you feel this way.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My two most recent boyfriends exhibited the same kind of behavior, and it's driving me crazy. Both relationships started very quickly, and they both assured me that they loved me. The first one, Tony, then told me he wasn't so sure, and that we maybe shouldn't be together. He would be very thoughtful and intimate one week and distant the next. After about six months of this, I finally had enough and broke it off with him.

When I started seeing Gary, he also told me how much he cared about me, that he loved me, and we started discussing the possibility of marriage -- all within the first month of our relationship. But Gary also started to pull away after a few months. Despite this, he continued to send me notes almost every other day and called quite frequently. He also told me he was very unsure as to where our relationship was heading.

What's the deal with these guys? Am I somehow bringing this upon myself? If so, I can't figure out how. Most of my friends with boyfriends aren't going with guys who act like this, yet I've come up with two of them in a row. I'm 24 years old and starting to think seriously about relationships, but when I have experiences like these, it makes me wonder if I'll ever run into someone who is stable and knows his own mind.

-- Burned Twice

Dear Burned Twice,
Dr. Lovemonkey doesn't think you're "bringing it upon yourself," but I do think, to an extent, that you're allowing this to happen. If a guy you've been dating for a few weeks tells you that he's in love and starts hinting at marriage, take this with a grain of salt. It might be wise to also suggest that that he (and you) slow down a bit. Who doesn't like to be told that they're the center of someone else's universe? But you're going along too much when these guys get out of the starting gate so fast. I'm not saying that you inspire this sort of recklessness. But two back-to-back experiences suggest that you're rather attracted to the type of guy who comes on strong in full romantic mode.

So, just take it slow. If the next guy you go out with starts professing his undying devotion in a matter of days or weeks, throw a little cold water on it -- say, "Listen, this is great fun. Let's just take it easy, have fun, and see where things lead."

<-- Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend's name is Rose and I'm thinking about getting a tattoo on my butt featuring a visual representation of a rose and the word "Rose." I'm only 19 years old. Do you think this is a good idea?

-- Big Ben

Dear Big Ben,
Probably not and, as Don Corleone (Marlon Brando) told Solozzo (Al Lettieri) in The Godfather, "I'll give you my reasons." It doesn't matter to Dr. Lovemonkey what a man has tattooed on his butt. However, you did not mention that you and Rose were considering marriage or even in love. Take it from another distinguished actor, Johnny Depp, who had to have his "Winona Forever" tattoo painfully altered after breaking up with Ms. Ryder, placing the actual name of your current girlfriend in tattoo form on your body is not always a good idea.

Does Rose feel that your butt is an appropriate spot for such a tribute? If indeed she does, and you are determined to go through with this touching salute, let me suggest that you dispense with the name "Rose" and just have the visual depiction of the flower done. This way, when you break up with Rose (which, from what I can glean from the genius you've already exhibited, I suspect will happen before the healing is complete on your derriere), you won't necessarily have to explain too much to your next intimate mate who may just think, "So, he's got a flower on his butt."

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