Snow job

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
A few months ago, I started dating a woman who, although very nice, intelligent, and attractive, was quite secretive about her life. We met at a place that we both frequent for lunch, and most of the time we get together during the day. This was because, she told me, she worked at night, hinting it was probably as a bartender or waitress, even though she didn't come right out and say it. Since she didn't seem to want to talk about this (and it didn't seem very important to me, either), I let it drop and didn't pursue it.

Well, I've since found out that she's working as a stripper under the name "Monica Blew-him-ski," doing an act with a cigar, an American flag, and a blue dress with artificially applied stains. Although I haven't seen the act, a friend told me about it when he saw me having lunch with this gal. I don't have a problem with going out with a stripper, but I'm concerned that there's something unpatriotic about Anne's (Monica) act. I most definitely wouldn't want to do anything that might make it appear that I'd ever make fun of our country.

My question to you is, should I confront Anne with what I know about her work and my concerns, or should I just let it go?

-- A Puzzled American

Dear A Puzzled American,
Dr. Lovemonkey frequently receives what I consider "borderline" letters. These are pieces of correspondence with questionable authenticity. In the case of your letter, I am relieved that it's nowhere near the borderline and quite comfortably situated in the land of brazen fiction.

This doesn't mean that Dr. Lovemonkey will not answer your letter. Not unlike the late Senator Roman Hruska of Nebraska, who famously stated that Americans with ignorant, uninformed, or just plain stupid views are just as deserving of political representation as everyone else (Hruska found his true calling as just this representative), Dr. Lovemonkey believes that fake letters also deserve a response.

Ms. Monica Blew-him-ski's act isn't unpatriotic. When a married, middle-aged guy in a powerful job gets caught being fellated by an admiring intern/groupie half his age -- and then lies about it after the entire country has placed its trust in him -- becoming the target of some ridicule is the least that he should expect. Do not confuse a person with the person's office. We are making fun of that zipper-challenged guy, William Jefferson Clinton, who was elected president. We are not making fun of the idea of the United States or the office of the presidency.

Congratulations on having a "lifestyle" (a word I truly hate) that allows you the time to sit around and dream up such a ridiculous scenario. You're a man after my own heart.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am living with a guy, a wonderful guy, funny, caring, and good-looking, and kind to his mother, and for argument's sake, let's call him X. His only real faults seem to be a judgmental streak and the fact that he's slightly too ambitious for me. There aren't bad things in themselves -- I'm sure many women are attracted to opinionated guys who want money and power -- but it doesn't quite match my outlook.

Soon after, I met his friend. Let's call him Y. From the first moment, the sparks flew -- I noticed his shoulders, his clothing, the crinkles around his eyes. Mostly, I enjoy how he sees the world, with an artistic and open-minded view more akin to my own. It is now at the point that I sometimes have to avoid being around this kid, because when I'm around Y, X frustrates me.

It's a given that nothing can happen with Y. I just try to avoid being alone with him and to remind myself that if I were living with him, we might be squabbling over toothpaste. But should I be paying attention to the fact that X looks bad in comparison? Do you have any experience with couples that share a commitment, but not a common outlook? And, of course, if you have any advice on how to calm the hormones, it would be appreciated.

-- Z

Dear Z,
You have to decide how great the discord is between your outlook and X's outlook. Is his more aggressive nature a minor character element that you can accept and live with? Or is it a major philosophical and attitudinal difference that you disapprove of and consider a constant irritant?

Your commitment to X will likely not last if you don't share a satisfactory common outlook. The real glue that keeps couples together, Dr. Lovemonkey believes, is largely a matter of shared values. Obviously, there are many other elements, but it can be a fatal flaw if there's a clash in how two partners view the world and their respective place in it. For instance, if X believes that the end justifies the means in business, and you have a highly developed sense of ethical behavior, you'll eventually clash and lose mutual respect since a committed relationship is rife with goals that must be supported and/or shared.

But if your differences with X are more about style than shared values and ethics, realize that you will be attracted to others at times -- and that you just have to "not go there." Sounds like you're already handling that as best you can. But if you don't share similar values, a complementary spiritual/philosophical outlook, and a comparable moral code, you and X are doomed.

<-- Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend's name is Rose and I'm thinking about getting a tattoo on my butt featuring a visual representation of a rose and the word "Rose." I'm only 19 years old. Do you think this is a good idea?

-- Big Ben

Dear Big Ben,
Probably not and, as Don Corleone (Marlon Brando) told Solozzo (Al Lettieri) in The Godfather, "I'll give you my reasons." It doesn't matter to Dr. Lovemonkey what a man has tattooed on his butt. However, you did not mention that you and Rose were considering marriage or even in love. Take it from another distinguished actor, Johnny Depp, who had to have his "Winona Forever" tattoo painfully altered after breaking up with Ms. Ryder, placing the actual name of your current girlfriend in tattoo form on your body is not always a good idea.

Does Rose feel that your butt is an appropriate spot for such a tribute? If indeed she does, and you are determined to go through with this touching salute, let me suggest that you dispense with the name "Rose" and just have the visual depiction of the flower done. This way, when you break up with Rose (which, from what I can glean from the genius you've already exhibited, I suspect will happen before the healing is complete on your derriere), you won't necessarily have to explain too much to your next intimate mate who may just think, "So, he's got a flower on his butt."

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