Not easy

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm an attractive, intelligent 28-year-old woman who decided a few years ago that I would refrain from sex until I found my soul mate and married him. I did my share of sleeping around when I was younger and found it was leading nowhere fast. I decided if I was going to ever find something true and real, this was the best way for me to go about it.

The problem is, once men realize that I'm not going to be easy, that's it -- they aren't interested. I have a great sense of humor, I'm smart, I'm attractive, and I never have any trouble meeting guys; the problem is what happens after they find out they're not getting laid. You would think there are at least some men out there who would accept friendship and non-sexual intimacy as a good way to create a positive relationship. Am I missing something here?

-- Upright, Not Uptight

Dear Upright, Not Uptight,
You're not missing anything you don't want to. It's difficult enough to find a mate. You are also undoubtedly aware of another great truth: men want to have sex. Going on your search for a soul mate with the first ground rule being "there won't be any sex," thins out the field considerably. Sort of like saying, "I'm looking for a regular AA meeting where no one is smoking cigarettes or drinking coffee."

That said, Dr. Lovemonkey finds absolutely nothing wrong with your approach. If you've thought about it a while, you probably already realize that you're far more likely to find potential mates at fundamentalist religious meetings than, say, Frankie's Bust-out Saloon. The vast majority of available mainstream guys do want to have sex. As long as you're willing to accept this, are able to deal well with disappointment and rejection, and wisely narrow your search to places where those men who are working on developing stronger spiritual, religious, and moral character are congregating (i.e. forget about Fetish Night at Club Monkeybusiness), you'll be fine.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been seeing the man of my dreams for a little over eight months now. I am 25 and he is 27. He is the sweetest, most romantic and honest man I know. We share incredible times together, have fabulous sex, and just really enjoy each other's company. I am, for the first time, truly in love. Problem? I'm way too scared to tell him that I love him. And since he hasn't said it first, I'm afraid that it might put some sort of unnecessary pressure on our otherwise happy and healthy relationship. In three months he's moving from the East Coast to the West Coast, and he's asked me to come with him. Do you think it's too soon to tell him my true feelings? Do most men feel they should be the ones saying it first?

-- Love Struck

Dear Love Struck,
I'll bet he's going over the same questions that you are. He's asked you to move with him to the other side of the country. This is a pretty solid indication to Dr. Lovemonkey that he loves you and wants to continue and build upon what you have. That he hasn't said, in so many words, "I love you," is a mere technicality.

Swallow your fear, suck up your courage, and tell him how you feel. Perhaps if he has fears, or is self-conscious and uncertain about your feelings towards him, they will slowly dissolve. If anything, men tend to be more insecure than women and his insecurity may be holding him back from initiating the "I love you" phrase. If this is true, it indicates that he takes love and your relationship very seriously.

As far as men feeling "they should be the ones saying it first," it could be that you assume men want to always be in control. A secure, well-adjusted and loving man does not need to be in control. He enjoys the give and take of a healthy relationship. It sounds like you have a good thing going here. Tell him you love him.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend's name is Rose and I'm thinking about getting a tattoo on my butt featuring a visual representation of a rose and the word "Rose." I'm only 19 years old. Do you think this is a good idea?

-- Big Ben

Dear Big Ben,
Probably not and, as Don Corleone (Marlon Brando) told Solozzo (Al Lettieri) in The Godfather, "I'll give you my reasons." It doesn't matter to Dr. Lovemonkey what a man has tattooed on his butt. However, you did not mention that you and Rose were considering marriage or even in love. Take it from another distinguished actor, Johnny Depp, who had to have his "Winona Forever" tattoo painfully altered after breaking up with Ms. Ryder, placing the actual name of your current girlfriend in tattoo form on your body is not always a good idea.

Does Rose feel that your butt is an appropriate spot for such a tribute? If indeed she does, and you are determined to go through with this touching salute, let me suggest that you dispense with the name "Rose" and just have the visual depiction of the flower done. This way, when you break up with Rose (which, from what I can glean from the genius you've already exhibited, I suspect will happen before the healing is complete on your derriere), you won't necessarily have to explain too much to your next intimate mate who may just think, "So, he's got a flower on his butt."

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