Tempted

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My best friend has been going with a woman for about nine or 10 months. I didn't really know her until he started seeing her, but we have since become good friends -- maybe too good. She has been suggestive, pretty much flirting with me, for the past couple of months. I can't say that I've been very good at avoiding this, and in some ways, I've welcomed it.

I'm worried we're going to do something that we'll regret. This would obviously destroy my friendship with one of my oldest and best friends. Is there anything that you suggest I do?

-- Worried Mind

Dear Worried Mind,
I suspect that you already know the right thing to do. On one level, you've been encouraging this gal's behavior because, in the reptilian recesses of your mind, you'd like to be involved with your best friend's girlfriend. But your super-ego code of ethics is also informing you of the dishonesty and disloyalty of this idea.

You can't continue taking the halfway route of not discouraging what is going on and then feeling guilty about it. You're feeling guilty because you are guilty. But you seem to somehow want to place more of the responsibility on the girlfriend. If she's going to betray the exclusivity and intimacy of her relationship with your friend, there's not a whole lot you can do about it. But you can make sure that she doesn't do this with you. Create some distance between the two of you, and tell her to start thinking about how she's treating her boyfriend.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend broke up with me last week. She said that I was being too controlling, too jealous, verbally abusive, and a few other unpleasant things. Well, I was so shaken up by the experience that I immediately went to a therapist and got some counseling.

Guess what? She was right about my behavior. The therapist has been incredibly helpful in showing me how I went wrong and why I went wrong. It has to do with being abused myself when I was a child.

My problem now is that I miss her so much and want to get back in touch with her, apologize, and see if we can work things out. Friends of mine have told me that I should at least wait a couple of weeks before getting in touch, but I think that's too long. Do you think that I should wait or not?

-- Getting Better

Dear Getting Better,
Congratulations for seeking help. Dr. Lovemonkey is a strong believer in therapy and counseling for couples, families, and individuals, especially since far too few people make the move to get the help that they need. It's a very good thing that you're doing.

Note the phrasing in that last sentence: "that you're doing." You experienced abuse as a child and have probably acted out your pain and anger by using controlling and abusive behavior. Understanding how this happened and working to conquer these negative impulses isn't something you'll be able to achieve in a few days, a week, or a month. So continue with the therapy.

As far as getting back in touch with your ex-girlfriend, I'd definitely let her know that you've sought counseling and are receiving help. But trying to patch things back up at this time isn't a good idea. You still have a long way to go and she undoubtedly needs time. Your past behavior has hurt her, and it will take time for her to rebuild trust in you. Take it very slow and realize there's a good possibility that this relationship may not be something you can put back on track. But also remember that the help you're receiving is for you -- it's not about getting your girlfriend back. The positive results will continue, you'll gain better control your life, and no matter what happens in this case, more of your future relationships will be better since you'll be better.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My boyfriend has been telling me for the last couple of months that he wants me to gain 20 pounds because he's really turned on by big chunksters. Well, I'm already a few pounds overweight and have been feeling pretty self-conscious about it for a while. He's really good to me, takes me out a lot, and buys me lots of neat stuff. But I don't want to gain any more weight, and he's very insistent. What should I do?

-- Big Betty

Dear Big Betty,
Tell him that taking you out could become unlikely if it always entailed renting a wide-load pickup truck -- something that might be necessary if you gain any more weight.

Seriously, B.B., it sounds like your boyfriend is yet another one with Controlling Guy Syndrome. Tell him that your feelings about your body take precedence over his feelings about your body. If he doesn't understand, suggest he take some sandpaper to his dick because you think it's too thick. Sandpapering one's dick is something for which most guys get an immediate visceral understanding -- unlike trying to understand women's feelings about their weight.

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