Time for a time out

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am a 33-year-old woman and I've never been married. After being with my boyfriend, Al, for over a year, I met Lawrence and we started seeing each other. I told Al about it, saying that he'd be better off without me, and moved in with Lawrence. I've been with Lawrence for just about six months, but remain in contact with Al.

Al has told me that he thinks he knows what went wrong with our relationship and is willing to give it another chance. I'm not sure what to do. I care very much for Al, but I'm not ready to leave Lawrence and also feel very strongly about him. Al thinks I should maybe be alone for a while and clear my head before making a decision. I haven't told Lawrence about my discussions with Al. I'm totally stressed out by all of this. Help.

-- Exhausted

Dear Exhausted,
Indeed, juggling one's dishonesty is a tiring and stressful challenge for anyone. Dr. Lovemonkey thinks maybe Al is right about the "being alone for a while" part, but without the proviso that you'll eventually make a decision between one of these two guys. You need to think about why you immediately jumped from one relationship right into a live-in situation with another guy, and why you're continuing to discuss intimate matters with your ex, behind the back of the person you're living with. Al has apparently decided he's okay being with someone who has proven -- in your previous relationship with him, and in your current relationship with Lawrence -- to be unfaithful and untrustworthy.

Dr. Lovemonkey sees dysfunction all around, and that's enough to stress anyone out. You want to get out of this unhealthy cycle. Start assessing your behavior and why you've been unable to be open and honest with either of these two men. Time out is not a bad idea. Counseling is not a bad idea. Continuing to play Al against Lawrence, or Lawrence against Al, is a very bad idea.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend and I have been together for just a little under a year, and the way that she flirts with other guys all the time is one of the things that drives me crazy. I've talked to her about this, and she says she's just playing around, having a good time, and that she's not interested in any of these guys. I have to admit there's no evidence (nor any suspicion on my part) that she's carrying on or involved with anyone else, but it still irritates me and she knows it. Is this something that I should be worried about, or am I being overly sensitive or jealous?

-- B.S.

Dear B.S.,
Being flirtatious with others is not necessarily a bad thing. If her flirting is truly innocuous, perhaps you are insecure and it's manifesting itself in your irritation and jealousy. On the other hand, if her flirting is irritating you, why does she persist in doing it?

Dr. Lovemonkey suggests you study your girlfriend's flirting techniques, and then try adopting and using them on her. Become very playful and suggestive with her. Appear at her home with a rose clenched between your sparkling teeth. Stuff your one-size-too-small chinos with a balled-up pair of sweat socks. Take mandolin lessons. Your girlfriend may just be a bit insecure herself, but by ratcheting up the playfulness factor, she may find that she has more fun flirting with you.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I really like this guy a lot and I know that he really likes me, but he just broke up with another girl and she's pregnant with their child. I told him that I didn't want to get in between whatever they had to work out, but he said that he wasn't interested in her and definitely wanted just to be with me. But I still feel like there's something wrong here and I'm very wary about a situation in which there is a child involved.

-- Hesitant

Dear Hesitant,
Any guy who just impregnates another woman, walks away from the relationship, and then says, basically, that there's no problem with getting together with you now, is someone you don't want to be with, let alone even know. His behavior strongly implies that he's doesn't intend to take any responsibility for his soon-to-be child.

The doctor could be wrong about this, but I would immediately challenge this guy to tell me exactly what he plans to do about his son or daughter, and how he intends to function as a parent and provide for the child. If he can't give you a clear and responsible answer (without hesitation, I might add), take a tip with a line from a 1975 film, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, that, had there been Oscar categories for blasphemy and dick jokes, would have cleaned up at the Academy Awards: "Run away, run away, run away."

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