Bible belted

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been married for two years, and when my wife and I first got together, there was little talk of God or religion. I knew she was a churchgoer and that was fine with me. In fact, I have no problem going to church with her regularly. But in the past few months, she has expressed dissatisfaction with the fact that I won't sit and read the Bible with her every night when I come home from work (I'm also taking college courses).

She's been telling me for some time that she fears our relationship won't work out because I don't have as strong a relationship with God as I should. She basically relates all problems we might be having to stories in the Bible.

The fact is that I am not a totally unreligious person, but I'm just not as enamored of religion as she is. It's not the be-all and end-all of my existence, and as time has gone on, she has become more and more fixated on seeing everything within the context of religion. I love her very much. But what can I do to let her know that I do not and cannot share her enthusiasm for this, and feel that I'm okay without having to read the Bible every night?

-- Job Jr.

Dear Job Jr.,
The next time you come home from work, have a copy of the 1944 bodice-ripper, Forever Amber, under your arm. Let her know that you have it on good authority (Dr. Lovemonkey's) that this is also a book of inspired revelation. Forever Amber was not actually written by God (nor was the Bible for that matter), but by Kathleen Winsor, who was a lot cooler than the bearded and smelly guys running around the desert who actually penned most of the Bible. In fact, she was cool enough to have been one of Artie Shaw's eight wives.

Just like the Bible, Forever Amber was made into a tedious film (1947), starring Linda Darnell, directed by Otto Preminger (who acted like God), and featuring, as King Charles II, George Sanders (who played "The Saint" in a few movies in the late '30s/early '40s). See all the religious connections? If you put in enough hours, I'm sure you can find dozens of even more amazing parallels between the Bible and Forever Amber.

But perhaps you don't want to just yet put the final nail in the coffin of your marriage (albeit with great flair), since there's a good chance your wife not might not have sufficient faith to accept Forever Amber as holy writ. Dr. Lovemonkey suspects there are a number of other areas in your marriage that your wife is unhappy about which have nothing to do with religion. Try to talk with her about the ways in which she's disappointed or unhappy, but steer the conversation away from religion and toward your relationship with each other.

To a great extent, this is a conflict in values. She knew about your level of religious commitment when you got married, and she was seemingly okay with it then. But if she (or you, or both of you) changed in different ways, it behooves you to try and find the common ground you once shared. Anyway, try to talk about things, consider seeing a (secular) counselor, and, if all else fails, try option one Forever Amber.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have been unhappy in my marriage for a very long time, and although I have thought about divorce, I haven't done anything about it because at this point there are many more advantages to staying in the marriage than ending it. I am starting to fall for someone who I see regularly at church. He's also married, and although it would be difficult to make a move right now, I wonder if he's attracted to me. I usually have no trouble attracting men. This guy and I have spoken many times, but I just can't tell because he gives no indication one way or the other. I'm not sure if anything will come of it, but I just really need to know. Any hints on what to do?

-- C.C.

Dear C.C.,
Yes -- go and see a good marriage counselor with your husband, right now. Does he know how unhappy you are? What have you done to try and work on the problems? As far as the man from church, don't even go there. Dr. Lovemonkey is not in the business of giving advice on home-wrecking strategies. Leave the other man alone and concentrate on solving your relationship problems in an honest and straightforward way.

MOREONPOMPATUS. In last week's column, we attempted to address the derivation of the word "pompatus," mentioned in Steve Miller's tune "The Joker" as the "pompatus of love," as well as the Jon Cryer film The Pompatus of Love. Thanks to e-mail messages from Peter J. Pan and David P. Ring, the doctor was able to find a 1996 column by the estimable Cecil Adams, creator of "The Straight Dope," in which the record is set straight.

Miller apparently copped the phrase "pompatus of love" by mishearing a 1954 R&B tune "The Letter" by the Medallions. The song emanated from the obviously feverish brain of the late Vernon Green, the lead singer of the Medallions, who wrote the song when he was 14 years old. Green told Adams the word was actually "puppetutes," which he described as "a term I coined to mean a secret paper-doll fantasy figure who would be my everything and bear my children." Mr. Green passed away on December 24, 2000 in Los Angeles.

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