Some others that got away

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Last week, A.F. wrote in with the tale of "The one that got away," about how he carried on a brief romance with a woman but decided against committing to a long-distance arrangement when she moved away for medical school. After being diagnosed with a testosterone deficiency, he now wonders how much his medical condition might have played into his decision. Here, a few readers offer their perspectives.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I thought I'd weigh in on A.F.'s dilemma regarding the "one that got away." I had a similar experience during my college years at Penn State, when my girlfriend decided to go to school in North. Carolina. In our case, we decided to maintain a long-distance relationship. Up to that point our relationship was flawless.

Shortly after my love went south, I began losing sleep at night and I just assumed it was related to my missing her. I finally decided to go to a doctor and thereafter was diagnosed with a mental illness. The recovery was long and painful, not to mention the stigma attached to this particular disability. I visited her during holidays and spring break. In the meantime, my love and I kept contact by letter and phone, but alas, it was not meant to be. After a year we broke it off and went our separate ways. The distance between us, combined with my recovery, was too much to bear.

Even with all of the difficulties, I wouldn't trade the memories of our time together . . . before or after her move.

I commend AF for his sacrificing the relationship with his Buffalo mare for the sake of her first year at medical school. As for his current medical dilemma, I would encourage him to seek counseling. Three years with zero relationships usually means you are either not trying hard enough, or you need the benefit of a qualified professional assistance. In his case, I would strongly advise the latter. Judging by the eloquence and sensitivity of AF's letter, he sounds like a "find" for some nice lady out there.

As for AF reestablishing contact with the "One that got away," I'd suggest he seek the therapeutic guidance first. No sense going over the falls without a barrel.

-- Ben There

Dear Dr Lovemonkey,
In response to your request for reader input, I find it improbable that A.F. did the wrong thing by not pursuing the relationship with the woman who moved away to Buffalo. Regardless of the state of his testosterone (which, by the way, may have been low, but not low enough for him to not have interest in having sex with this woman), at 29 he was old enough to know that this two-month-old relationship wouldn't have enough footing to sustain a long-distance connection. They barely knew each other, and since they would not live in the same town for several years, it would be very hard to really get to know the other, evaluate prospects for a LTR, or even be able to a life not filled with lengthy train rides.

Long distance relationships are very hard to keep, and without a solid base, they tend to run on fantasies, attract those with commitment anxieties, and, although exciting most all of the time, lack day-to-day compatibilities, niceties, and realities.

I'm sure A.F. may be feeling lonely. I think the key in his letter is not his statement that a lack of testosterone may have ruined his drive to pursue this relationship, but that low levels of testosterone can lead to depression, which would explain why he has been uninterested in relationships lately and why he's mooning over a two month relationship that came and went at least several months or years ago.

Take the testosterone shots, call the girl, see when she's getting out of school, and see how you're feeling in a few months. The new medically balanced you may want to give med-student girl another chance, or maybe even try pursuing a local girl who isn't quite as exciting because you can actually have her.

-- Miss A.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
A bunch of us were at lunch today looking at the Phoenix Adult section's "Lustrology" column, and we cannot for the life of us figure out what a "pompatus" is. And since all of us seemed to have one, we thought it might be important. Do you know?

-- Chris and the Gang of Crazy Scientists

Dear Chris & the scientists,
The "Lustrology" column by Amelia apparently provides an astrological perspective on your sexual prospects. It appears that Amelia's use of "pompatus" in last week's column refers to one's best sexual prospects.

I believe that the word pompatus derives from the 1973 Steve Miller Band song "The Joker," in which there's a reference to "the Pompatus of love." A few years ago, Jon Cryer, the actor and independent producer, and his partner produced a film called The Pompatus of Love. I believe that, in the film, there's an extended conversation among a bunch of testosterone-sated young men about this very subject -- the meaning of pompatus.

Most likely the word derives from pompous ("having or exhibiting marked self-importance"). There is an adjective "pompatic," meaning pompous or ostentatious, but that's about as close as Webster's Unabridged (deluxe second edition) gets. Perhaps we should check with Steve Miller, who might have made the word up to confuse scientists and independent filmmakers.

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