The one that got away

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

---

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Almost three years ago, I met and immediately adored a great young woman. She liked me a lot as well, and every moment together was wonderful -- from the get-go we commented on having this strong intuitive feel for one another. Alas, this only lasted for two fantastic months. It was then that she was to relocate to (of all places in hell) Buffalo, New York, for med school (she was 23-24, and I was 29). Obviously, this was planned before we ever met. So the question was, do we attempt a long-distance relationship or not?

It's a long train or bus ride from Boston to Buffalo, and I was making too little moolah to consider flying with any frequency. In trying to imagine an extended weekend, it seemed like it would be a short time spent together, surrounded by lengthy doses of travel. Add to this that she was starting med school, meaning she won't have an abundance of free time. As she attested during our communications, the first year is especially full of work -- it's a real do-or-die period.

Still, she was game to explore the possibility of a long-distance relationship. In the end, I reluctantly declined. I felt that our relationship, which was wonderful for a brief time, still didn't have a strong enough foundation for a long-distance romance. Even if I decided to move to Buffalo to be with her, it's not something I'd have done anytime soon, especially since I hate Buffalo with a passion. And of course it was a wonderful two months. She's a great person, and if you get into a relationship with someone you like, the first couple of months of discovering one another (emotionally, intellectually, sexually) had better be great, or something's wrong. If we'd been through more than that early magical-seeming period of a relationship, and things continued to glow, it would have been much more difficult to scratch the whole idea.

In any event, these are things I told myself at the time. Since then, I've often felt that she was the One Who Got Away. But the fact that I've had zero romantic contact with anyone since then could easily lead me to fixate on the most recent good relationship candidate in my life.

Eventually, last year, actually, I learned something that has helped to fill in some blanks in explaining some of my behavior. After years of seeing doctors, one finally ran a blood test in which my hormonal levels were checked. After many tests, this led to a diagnosis that I have next to no testosterone. At this point, my condition is still being treated. It's a long process, and I'll likely receive treatment (in the form of testosterone injections) for the rest of my life. This condition has produced the following symptoms: low energy, consistent depression (sometimes very severe), lack of muscle development, and -- here's a real big one for me -- lack of drive. Testosterone isn't just about sex drive, but one's drive in general. It's no wonder, as my condition worsened in recent years, that I lost interest in pursuing romance, and hence, the dry spell.

This has obviously been a time of great reflection for me. I've been able to re-examine my past with new, important information. So now I look back on the One That Got Away, and wonder, were my rationalizations for declining to attempt a long-distance relationship accurate or not? I know that my hormonal condition (which was definitely in effect at the time) did have an effect on my decision; that, at that point in my life, I was becoming more reclusive; and that while I desired travel, I found myself never leaving the damn city. Here's my question: would a person without my condition have attempted such a relationship? To what lengths do healthy people go to have a chance at love? Obviously, I know the extremes -- people will do all kinds of wacky things, such as flying across the country to meet someone they met in a chat room, etc.

I'm not sure what I hope to gain from this, but I like your perspective on such things and was curious enough to write.

-- A.F.

Dear A.F.,
How can she miss you if you haven't really gone? Your ex-girlfriend has you on a string, perhaps out of some insecurity, or a conscious or subconscious desire to believe that the option exists for her to jump back with you. But it has been a year since you split up, and for most of that time, she's been with another person.

You have to distance yourself emotionally. Sure, it sounded like a good idea to remain friends and hang out together with your ex, but when you do that, she plays on your heartstrings. I can't say whether this is malicious on her part or something that she just can't help. The fact is, though, it's harming you and keeping you in limbo. So to distance yourself emotionally, you have to distance yourself physically, and see a lot less of her. Start hanging out with other people and doing things that don't include your ex-girlfriend.

She's seeing someone else and obviously feels secure in that relationship. And she can still count on you to be mooning over her, or to give her time and attention if she feels neglected or unhappy in her current relationship. It's not out to of the question that she might reconsider you, but not in the context of the current situation. She's too comfortable for that. You should distance yourself because it will help you to feel better about yourself. And, if she actually does regret losing you, and wants to "seriously" consider some sort of rapprochement, it will only occur after you've actually gone.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archives

---