Going nowhere fast

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

---

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend of three-and-a-half years broke up with me almost a year ago. We still have a relationship as friends. It was her idea to stay friends, but I went along with it. I didn't want to lose touch with her altogether, and she seems to genuinely want to hang out with me as well. Still, she sends some confusing signals -- she still flirts with me and talks about the past in a melancholy way. She also lets on that she thinks of me from time to time, and that she wonders what it would be like if we got back together.

Every time I try to ask her if she would want to get back together, she kind of ducks the question. In the meantime, she's seeing someone she met about three weeks after we broke up.

I have been reading enough of your column to know that your answer to all this would probably be to move on. My question is, "How do I do that?" A lot of people say that I'm funny and interesting once they get to know me, but I stumble around people I don't know. My ex-girlfriend kind of picked me up. As much as I liked her, I wasn't able to do the picking up. I realize that not many girls would do that end of it. I never really got the basics, and at 25, I need to know. Any advice?

-- Trying to Move On

Dear Trying to Move On,
How can she miss you if you haven't really gone? Your ex-girlfriend has you on a string, perhaps out of some insecurity, or a conscious or subconscious desire to believe that the option exists for her to jump back with you. But it has been a year since you split up, and for most of that time, she's been with another person.

You have to distance yourself emotionally. Sure, it sounded like a good idea to remain friends and hang out together with your ex, but when you do that, she plays on your heartstrings. I can't say whether this is malicious on her part or something that she just can't help. The fact is, though, it's harming you and keeping you in limbo. So to distance yourself emotionally, you have to distance yourself physically, and see a lot less of her. Start hanging out with other people and doing things that don't include your ex-girlfriend.

She's seeing someone else and obviously feels secure in that relationship. And she can still count on you to be mooning over her, or to give her time and attention if she feels neglected or unhappy in her current relationship. It's not out to of the question that she might reconsider you, but not in the context of the current situation. She's too comfortable for that. You should distance yourself because it will help you to feel better about yourself. And, if she actually does regret losing you, and wants to "seriously" consider some sort of rapprochement, it will only occur after you've actually gone.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
A good friend of mine has been with his girlfriend for about 18 months. He is extremely controlling and doesn't like it when she goes out or does things without him. She periodically calls me to complain, and asks me to keep him occupied, so she can do things with her own friends and, as she acknowledges, other guys. They're both friends of mine, and I'd like to see their relationship work, so I don't want to be party to her infidelity. At the same time, I don't like seeing the way he treats her. My girlfriend, who is very close to both of them, is content to stand back and let it all happen. Should I take her approach, or should I confront him?

-- LMC

Dear LMC,
To get out of being in this uncomfortable position, you should talk to both of them. Tell the girlfriend you don't really want to be party to a relationship that is increasingly dysfunctional, and that she should more directly challenge the boyfriend on his controlling behavior. If she's been doing this and it hasn't made any difference, you may want to ask why she continues with the relationship.

It's possible, in ways that are not overtly confrontational, to suggest to the guy that he's a little too controlling in the relationship. As a friend who has observed the dynamic between them, you might note specific instances of controlling behavior and ask why he is so insecure about things.

Of course, the big problem is that he has reason to be insecure, because, indeed, she's being unfaithful to him. What came first: the chicken or the egg? Dr. Lovemonkey doesn't know the answer to that, but he does know a dysfunctional relationship when he hears of one. Is she likely to stop her extra-curricular activities if he sees the light and stops his controlling behavior? Who knows? But if these two really want to make their relationship work, they need counseling, because they're both involved in behaviors that will only lead to more trouble. So on top of talking to both of them, suggest counseling.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archives

---