In a trance

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have been in love with my best friend's boyfriend for more than three years now. We have never actually talked about this, but I do know that he has feelings for me as well, because he has confided certain things which indicate that he cares about me, values my judgment, and has some longings to be closer. For instance, he's told me that there are certain things, like this major formal event recently, where he didn't really want to go, but his girlfriend wanted him to, and so he just did it. He also said that sometimes he does certain things with her just for his own sexual gratification.

I am not totally certain, but I do think that he'd be with me if he felt he could, but he feels a sense of loyalty to her. Meanwhile, I've never had a serious relationship, and I know that he's THE ONE. I think about him all the time.

Do you think that I should open up to him and let him know how I feel? First of all, I'm not 100 percent convinced that he feels as strongly, or that he'll be able to break it off with my best friend. Second, it's for sure that this will cause a huge problem between us and we've been friends for a very long time. I really need help seeing this more clearly. Help.

-- Suffering

Dear Suffering,
One thought Dr. Lovemonkey had while reading your letter: The main reason that you have not had a serious relationship is because you've been totally focused on your best friend's boyfriend for so long. You haven't really tried to develop a relationship with anyone else because you think that he's the one.

You might want to consider a few things about this guy's behavior. You suspect that he's not all that crazy about your best friend and may be staying with her because he doesn't have the cojones to acknowledge that to himself or to her. What makes you think that he'd suddenly sprout cojones if he got together with you and tell you the truth about what he feels? Give some thought as to how he deals with your best friend and realize that this is how he'll behave with you as well.

And, yes, I suspect that you will most likely lose your best friend if you decide to make a move for her boyfriend. This is something that you will feel terrible about and it will hurt for a very long time.

Pull yourself out of your trance. You mentioned your inability to get involved in a serious relationship. Could it be that you are only attracted to men who are not emotionally available to you? Start distancing yourself emotionally from this guy and your thoughts about him.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
There's this guy I work with. I've had my eye on him for some time and, recently, I noticed that he was starting to return my gaze. There is a complication because he's married and has three young children. Talking to him not so long ago, he told me that he was separated and headed toward a divorce. Well, I recently found out from somebody else at work that he's still living with his wife and not at all separated. What do you think my next move should be?

-- Uncertain

Dear Uncertain,
Your next move should be back to your room to stand in the corner with a large conical hat on. The guy's married (therefore, stay away), and a liar (ditto). It should be evident that involving yourself in any situation with this guy will be bad news all around. Dr. Lovemonkey suspects that somewhere in your work or social life, there must be some men who are interesting, interested, and, most important of all, unencumbered by an ongoing relationship.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm 19 years old and have been married for two years. The only thing is, I haven't seen my husband in a year-and-a-half because I was kidnapped by bikers and went off with a 43-year-old biker. But I just had a fight with him and another biker, who is almost 50, took me away and right now, I'm not sure who I should be with.

-- M.A.

Dear M.A.,
You should be with an agent who can help you develop a script that you can sell to Roger Corman. Please forgive Dr. Lovemonkey's skepticism, but I'm having a hard time with a little thing called credibility. If it's somehow true, though, maybe you should "be with" the police, relating to them how you were the victim of a very serious crime. This will not net you anywhere near the amount of money that could be realized from producing a film script. With luck, a studio courageous enough to take a shot at bringing back the biker movie genre, which was so popular in the late '60s (and where people like Jack Nicholson, Bruce Dern, and Dennis Hopper cut their teeth), might option the script. But going to the police would probably be "the right thing to do." Now, Dr. Lovemonkey must go to his room, head for the corner, don his very own conical hat, and wonder if it was "the right thing" to answer your unbelievable letter.

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