2 + 1 = ?

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am a 27-year-old married female looking for another woman to have a relationship with my husband and me. I have been looking for two years and have no problem finding a woman, but they want only me, or my husband, not the both of us. We have placed numerous ads in local newspapers. No luck. Do you have any suggestions?

-- VK

Dear VK,
No, I don't have any suggestions, except to remind you of that tired old adage -- beware of what you wish for, you might just get it. I assume you're aware that what you're considering has the potential of opening up all sorts of cans of worms or Pandora's boxes. What if your husband likes it more than you? What if you like it more than your husband? Or what if one of you realizes that you don't like the dynamic at all? Are you prepared to deal with the damage this could do to your marriage? Is the relationship you're looking for another woman to engage in with you and your husband strictly business (in which case, hiring a professional call girl/hooker would seem the appropriate course), or are you proposing there be more of an emotional commitment on her part? That may explain why it has been difficult finding another participant.

What you desire gets into murky emotional terrain. If you wish to continue your pursuit, I only hope that you've given these questions some thought.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Help! I'm trapped in a bad situation and can't seem to find a way out. I've been married for five years and have two children. At the moment, I am also a full-time student with no income of my own. My husband was previously married, and the marriage ended badly when he found out that his ex-wife was cheating on him.

I love him very much, but it seems that he's never gotten over his ex-wife's infidelity. He placed small microphones and tiny surveillance-type cameras in the bedroom, bathroom, and living room. I found this out by accident about a week ago. Asked what this was all about, he said he wanted to know what I was up to, and, if I wasn't doing anything "wrong," then I wouldn't have anything to worry about.

It's obvious to me that this is way over-the-top. I am not his ex-wife. I have always been true to him and never cheated (and never would). I wouldn't even have the opportunity since I'm pretty much either at home with the kids or at class, and don't have the time or the financial ability to be having any kind of an active social life. Truth be told, I have no social life at all, and now it seems that my husband's "social life" appears to be centered around me "doing something wrong." This is driving me nuts. What can I do?

-- Going Crazy

Dear Going Crazy,
This seems more than over-the-top; it seems positively paranoiac in an almost classical sense. This is extreme controlling behavior. He needs psychological counseling, but your first task is to demand that he take down the surveillance equipment. You have to be confrontational about this extreme controlling behavior and let him know how serious a threat this is to your marriage.

He's already got an unhealthy amount of control -- emotionally and financially -- and he's pushing it by setting up spying equipment about the house. This is a bad pathology, and you've got to do what you can to break it as soon as possible before you sustain more damage. Insist that he get rid of the cameras and microphones, and that he check into counseling. If he won't do that, you have to start weighing the wisdom of leaving, because the situation will only get worst. Good luck and start contacting professionals.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a 15-year-old girl and, although I've had some sexual experiences, it hasn't been a lot, so I'm just trying to get some basic information here. In general, how long does it take for a guy to reach orgasm if he's only 16 years old?

-- Jane

Dear Jane,
Get out a stopwatch and write your letter to me all over again, making sure to punch the stopwatch when you start typing. When you're finished, punch the stopwatch again. The answer: less time than that.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Is there a safe way to enlarge your penis?

-- BB

Dear BB,
The safest way I know is to grasp it in one of your hands and stroke it back and forth for a few minutes. This usually works like a charm.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
For almost three months now, I've been seeing this guy every morning to give him a blowjob in his car before work. The last couple of weeks I've been suggesting that we get together, maybe in the evening and spend a little time together, but he always claims he's got something else to do. I'm starting to think that he doesn't even care about me. What do you think?

-- Feeling Abandoned

Dear Feeling Abandoned,
Duuuhhhhh!

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