Skin deep

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm in my early 40s, and I've been going out with a woman in her late 20s (actually, she'll be 30 in another month) for about six months. I've gone out with younger women before, although not any with quite this much of an age span. I'm good-looking and fit, but it's not one of those situations where I'm so youthful looking that it isn't obvious that I'm older.

Anyway, here's the problem. Our relationship is very good, except for when we're out in public. I have noticed that she'll frequently stand apart from me or make it appear that we're not together as a couple. When I first sensed this, I thought to myself, "Nahh, you're just being insecure." But I started to pay attention more, and it's definitely true.

So what's that all about? Do you think she's sensitive about the age difference? When we're not in public, there isn't any of this distancing. But it seems whenever we're in a group (and most of the people, it's true, tend to be in their 20s or early 30s), she doesn't want to appear attached to me.

Sometimes we talk about aging and looks, and she always says it doesn't matter what someone looks like -- that it's what is inside that counts. I'm not freaking out about this, but I do find it nagging at me.

-- Confused

Dear Confused,
Some readers will find this harshly judgmental, but when someone frequently says that looks don't matter to them, I suspect just the opposite. First of all, virtually no one is immune from visual attractiveness. It's just that some people have a broader definition of what is visually appealing than others, and there are also those who are sensually attracted to others for a combination of things like attitude, values, sense of humor, passionate interests, etc.

People who truly aren't overly impressed with the one-dimensional concept of visual attractiveness that conforms with the glamour magazine/Hollywood norms seldom state it. This doesn't mean that there are a lot of Michelle Pfeiffer-Quasimodo couplings out there.

Dr. Lovemonkey has found that one of the most attractive things is good self-esteem and a sense of comfort with others. These indicate genuine openness and affection for people in general. It doesn't sound like that is the situation with your girlfriend. My suspicion is that she's insecure in some way about looks, and that the age difference is an issue with her. Americans are constantly bombarded with images of what we should desire. Needless to say, we are all susceptible to this programming.

There's good news, however. There is precedence in the mighty world of commercial imagery for the acceptability (even desirability) of the older man/younger woman combo. I'm thinking in particular of a recent article in Vanity Fair, one of the central primers for phony values and glamour. It was about Hugh Hefner, the swinging pajama-clad soft-core porn titan. The reporter accompanied the over-70 "Hef" in a night on the town in Los Angeles, accompanied, as is his current habit, by his seven comely 20-something girlfriends.

When Hef and his entourage appeared, not only were all seven girlfriends vying for his attention, but much younger men approached the aging publisher, giving him "props" based on their unshakable belief that Hef is the original "Mack Daddy."

What do we learn from this article (not to mention the lives of other Mack Daddyesque characters, like Donald Trump and Jack Nicholson)? The inescapable conclusion is that it's not just acceptable, but desirable, for older men to be seen with younger women, as long as the former are rich and powerful. Since you, quite possibly, are neither, construing this image could be difficult. Dr. Lovemonkey suggests borrowing dozens of hundred dollar bills, having them sewn onto a sports jacket, and wearing that around town for a while. Chances are you'll be hailed as the mightiest Mack Daddy of your community or wind up dead in a matter of hours.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I really like this girl, but she's dating my best friend. I had a chance to go out with her, but I chose someone else -- a very big mistake. She still likes me and I like her a lot, but she likes her boyfriend more. I don't know if I should move on or if I should wait. What do you think?

-- C.M.

Dear C.M.,
Gee, you sound really loyal to your "best friend." Move on. Who knows what might happen in the future, but by sitting around longing for someone who's your best friend's girlfriend, you run the risk of causing confusion, stress, and unhappiness for yourself, your best friend and the girl you're attracted to. Plus, you already know the answer when you say, "She still likes me . . . but she likes her boyfriend more."

If you want to continue to have her like you and still have a best friend, you should now turn your romantic attention elsewhere. Believe me, if the situation changes between these two, you'll be in a much better position if you haven't been lurking around, waiting for a fissure to develop.

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