An age-old question

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a 42-year-old woman who is in very good shape, and for the past three months, I've been seeing someone who is 23. Things are going great. We get along just fine and the age difference means almost nothing when we're together. We share so many interests and attitudes. I was married once for about five years, and I know what it takes for things to work. This relationship has so many of the things that were missing in my marriage, and I think that, given a chance, this can definitely develop into a lifelong situation.

So what's the problem? Well, I already have an inkling that the age difference is not playing so well with some of my friends, and I suspect, some of his friends as well. I am very concerned about having others come between us, and I am wondering if there is anything we can do to ease the concerns of others -- to let them know that the age difference is not a big deal, and that neither of us are acting out some sort of childhood insecurity or any of that.

In other words, how do I deal with family and friends who seem to have a problem with this?

-- P.B.

Dear P.B.,
The most important thing is to demonstrate, through the intimacy and comfort of your relationship, that all is well. Friends and family who feel uncertain about the relationship -- but aren't frightened to death of imagined sexual taboos -- will gradually accept your relationship. Unfortunately, this probably isn't going to work for a number of other people.

I don't know if this is true, but it has been suggested to Dr. Lovemonkey that people who fear age differences may have a great fear of their own incestuous or pedophiliac tendencies. These feelings are buried deeply in many of us, and some people probably feel that if they even acknowledge the existence of these feelings, they'll lose control.

On the other hand, there are some legitimate reasons for concern about vast age differences in a relationship. But that is for the participants to consider and it sounds like you two have done this. There's not a whole lot you can do in terms of winning others over. Those with an open and generous attitude will accept you as a couple, but there are probably others who will continue to struggle with it. Remember that they are wrestling with their own demons and it has little to do with you.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend, Jill, and I have been together for almost four years now. We are planning on an engagement and marriage in the not too distant future. She is an actress of real talent and plans to pursue that career. I am completely supportive, except for one little problem that I think is easily addressed. This hasn't cropped up yet, but I am totally certain that, at some point, it will.

When you look at the range of contemporary opportunities available for women in theater, film, television, etc., it's obvious that, eventually, a situation will come up where she'll have to do an intimate love scene probably in some manner of undress. Jill assures me that this is a performance and so, it's not real. Even though I understand this, I am mortified at the idea that she would act out, in front of an audience, those intimate areas of our life that are just between the two of us.

My point to her is that this is something that would probably only crop up a few times, and she should just turn down those things that are way too intimate. She scoffs at what I say, accusing me of being unreasonable. Am I that wrong about this?

-- Protective of Our Relationship

Dear Protective of Our Relationship,
Yes, you are that wrong about this. What you perceive as your desire to be "protective" is merely primitive insecurity manifesting in jealousy. We're not talking about a person in porn films or prostitution here, but someone who has studied and is working on a real acting career. If you're actually going to be supportive of that, understand -- like Jill says, "it is acting" -- and that to excel at acting, one must master a broad range of emotion. Love, lust, and sexually provocative moments are all part of that. If you can't deal with it, I'd start rethinking the engagement. The issue here is not about what your fiancé is doing as an artist, but your own insecurities about the relationship. Asking her to turn down work because it makes you feel uncomfortable is not acceptable. The reason to turn down a gig is because the piece or the production sucks. Get a grip.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My wife and I have been having an ongoing disagreement about flirting. I'm not a big flirt or anything, but I do, on occasion, flirt with other women. I think it's good for our marriage. It makes me feel good about myself (like I'm still attractive to others) and, since I have no intention on acting on any of it, I think it's harmless. But my wife feels uncomfortable about it. Why should she?

-- Big Deal

Dear Big Deal,
How does engaging in something that makes your wife feel uncomfortable enhance your marriage? Flirting need not be bad or destructive, if everyone's on the same page. Perhaps there are other ways in which you can feel good about yourself without irritating your wife.

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