Fresh meat

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
We've been married for 11 years. Because of a considerable age difference (I'm older), I'm not able to perform sexually on a level to satisfy my wife's urges. Otherwise, I'm a healthy man. For a long time, she was constantly angry and unfeeling toward me. Recently, she demanded that I allow her to look around for a younger man to love (or only with whom to make love?). In desperation I consented. My wife started searching for a suitable partner (or partners?) on the Internet. I remain discreet and am not asking her what she is doing (this is part of what I also agreed to), but now, as she entered action, my heart shrinks in pain. My nights are filed with nightmares. In spite of my best efforts to keep my feelings under control, I'm constantly full of anxiety that she might eventually leave me. I've tried counseling, to no avail. What would you suggest, Doctor, for me to be able to bear my pain or somehow wisely resolve the problem? Please answer.

-- Harry

Dear Harry,
Was the counseling joint counseling or did it include just you? To address this and any other issues you and your wife might have, you both have to be seeking help and answers. From the tone of your letter, though, I detect that it's only you who's concerned. It would seem that your wife has already written you (and the marriage) off. You will continue to feel full of anxiety about her leaving you until you let go and (perhaps) leave her.

Your marriage isn't working. If you both agree and are willing to pursue ways to make it work (there's sexual therapy too, you know), you might be able to put things back together. But, if as I suspect, you've both already given up on addressing your sexual problems, the connection is irretrievably broken, and keeping up the façade will only bring further stress to you and unhappiness for you both. Commit to working on it together, or end it now.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with a guy for about four months, and although everything is really going well with us, I have been finding out that almost all his women friends are people that he has had a sexual relationship with in the past. When I asked him about it, he readily acknowledged that it was true, and also said it was "in the past," and that's he's not interested in any of them any more.

I have no reason to disbelieve any of this. In fact, I totally trust Gary and believe what he has told me. But still, I wonder if this is some sort of warning sign, or if I should be a little more inquisitive or vigilant about potential future escapades. What do you think?

-- Not Totally Sure

Dear Not Totally Sure,
Since it sounds like he's been open and honest with you, and you don't have any evidence or real reason to suspect that he's not committed to his relationship with you, I'd forget about it. In fact, from Dr. Lovemonkey's perspective, it's a positive that he's still friendly with women with whom he once shared an intimate relationship. It indicates that he's a caring person, not some poke-and-run artist. When people you were formerly intimate with continue to like and enjoy you as a friend, and you them, well, it sounds to me like a very positive and healthy thing.

It certainly doesn't sound like you have any reason to not trust or believe your boyfriend.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
The guy I've been going out with for three years, my best friend and intimate lover, is engaged to someone else. When I found out, he told me that he couldn't tell me because he knew I would be hurt if I found out. He also couldn't explain why he got engaged. He told me it was too complicated to explain now and that he would tell me all about it later.

He said he still thought there's a future for us, and that he had to work through this other relationship. This is all very confusing to me. I do have hopes that we'll be able to get back together, but I just don't know now, because this engagement thing came right out of left field -- I had no idea that he was even seeing anyone else. Any ideas on what I should do?

-- Seriously Confused

Dear Seriously Confused,
There's really no reason for you to be seriously confused. I have a very good idea for you. Forget about this bonehead and get on with your life. You've been going with him for three years. Meanwhile, he has been deceiving you, for who knows how long, and has now been caught in his web of lies. His response is classic Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners (i.e., "homina-homina-homina-homina").

Take a few emotional steps back. See that this guy has betrayed you big time and still won't cop to it. What do you think he's been telling the woman he's engaged to? There is no future with a cad like this, and you deserve better. Forget about him.

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