Torn between two lovers

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Our first letter is from Chris, who wrote in a few months ago. His dilemma had to do with an inability, due to his busy work schedule, to meet interesting women, and what he felt was a dearth of intelligent, well read, attractive women in the city where he lives. For lack of a better name, we'll call that city "Worcester." A couple of weeks ago, we heard from Chris again. He informed Dr. Lovemonkey that things he'd gone out a couple of times with a woman he found interesting and attractive. But it seems there are complications . . .

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I made the third date about two weeks ago. But later that day she called and canceled. The reason? Her ex-boyfriend's grandmother had just died, and she had to go to the wake. She said she'd call me a few days later.

So I sat and wondered for a bit. Was this bullshit? She definitely was digging me, and while the wake thing could have been a blow-off, that's a helluva lie. I decided it was true. Needless to say, two weeks went by and no call from Chrissie. Then I realized what must have happened: ex-boyfriend's time of need, she goes to the wake . . . cue the mellow saxophones and crack open the wine.

I figured hey, I'll give it one more shot, so I called her yesterday, and she basically confirmed my theory . . . they aren't back together, but they have been talking, etc. She also revealed that they had been together for three years (!), and said, "it's like a divorce or something."

She was real upfront about the whole thing. Overall though, she seems to be in "confused" mode. We talked for a bit about some other shit and then I had to run. Before I hung up, though, she asked me to give her a call. I said OK, but also that the phone works both ways. I will, however, give her a buzz sometime next week. The ex-boyfriend factor is a major issue, obviously, but she's worth pursuing, at least at arms' length. Whadda ya, think, Doc?

-- Chris

Dear Chris,
I think you've got a very good grasp of what's going on in this new relationship. It certainly sounds like she's having second thoughts about a past relationship. Unfortunately, you can do almost nothing about this except, as you so wisely suggest, stay at arms' length. She may have real regrets about the past, and a relationship that was good and perhaps shouldn't have ended. Then again, she may also be carrying a sack of guilt, or some other form of baggage, that is drawing her back into a bad relationship. She will have to figure this out herself, and unless she seeks your advice, there's little you can do about it.

I don't know if this is a situation in which this woman started another relationship (with you) too soon after her last relationship ended. But this certainly illustrates why it's a good idea to spend a period of time alone after breaking up with someone.

You've got the right idea about this, and it sounds like you're handling it well. If she's worth pursuing, you can only have faith that she'll also choose wisely.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My relatively new boyfriend has only had sex with me three times in the month and a half that I've known him. Is there something wrong with me? My ex-boyfriends say that I'm not at fault, but I can't help feeling unattractive. What should I do?

-- Shannon

Dear Shannon,
It's conceivable that the only thing wrong is your belief that it's appropriate to have sex with someone after knowing them only for a matter of weeks, days, or minutes. I don't know your age, or anything else about you or your new friend, but not everyone is comfortable with going at it like a couple of dogs in heat in such a short time.

What you should do is talk to your new boyfriend. Talk to him and get to know him better. You may actually find other things about him that you will enjoy and want to explore. You can also talk about sex and whether he's shy, reluctant, or feeling insecure. Take it slow. There is nothing to be alarmed about after a month and a half.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend of three years and I broke up two weeks ago. At the time, I thought I wanted it, but I realized after a day or so that it was the last thing I wanted. Now, she's seeing some guy who has liked her ever since we started dating. I would just like to know what to do. I can't live without her.

-- Nate

Dear Nate,
The first thing to do, Nate, is not to adopt the attitude that you "can't live without her." What is your relationship with your ex now? If you're on good terms, make sure that you remain friendly and keep the lines of communication open. Be her friend, and be civil, kind, and thoughtful.

Perhaps she's thinking it was a mistake to break up, too. The only way you'll know is by continuing to be her friend, without confusing that with your former role as boyfriend. If she thinks she's made a mistake, she'll find a way to let you know. In the meantime, you have to show what an impeccable gentleman you are. Looking spiffy doesn't hurt. Find a tailor and start wearing bespoke suits.

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