Intimate info

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Shaba wrote in two weeks ago, looking for some help with her relationship. One issue (which the Dr. was able to address) had to do with time management. She also was interested in books and Web sites dealing with lesbian relationships.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Given that I've often found your column useful as well as entertaining, I'm thrilled to be able to help one of your readers, "Shaba," who is looking for information to spice up her relationship.

While it's true that it's hard to find lesbian sex books at the huge chain bookstores (despite their every other effort to get our money), these are not your only options. It's also not true that lesbian sex is somehow inherently more limited than other kinds of sex. And there are plenty of non-pornographic Web sites out there that are useful to lesbians.

For information, you can shop online. Intelligent, useful lesbian sex books are available on Amazon and the like, though I'd like to suggest trying a gay-owned bookstore. There is an excellent online resource of such stores. Perhaps the best store is Lambda Rising (which also gives out highly respected annual awards), at 1625 Connecticut Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20009 (phone 202-462-6969). I've been to the actual store, and it does indeed rock A bit closer to Rhode Island, I can recommend Pride & Joy in Northampton, Massachusetts, Reader's Feast in Hartford, Connecticut, and the little-known, but delightful Bloodroot in Bridgeport, Connecticut, all of which have at least some lesbian sex books.

For specific sexual information, let me heartily recommend Grand Opening in Brookline, Massachusetts (www.grandopening.com). They are very pleasant, patient, and helpful.

Sex is what you make of it, and what you make of it is limited only by your imagination. Your best sex organs are your brain, your hands, and your tongue, and nearly everyone has all of these in reasonably good working order. The possibilities are without end. Good luck!

-- Marie

Dear Marie,
Thanks for coming to Shaba's rescue. When folks write in for help or assistance, Dr. Lovemonkey is always interested in hearing from other readers who may have information or expertise in a specific area, and I'm more than happy to print their helpful comments.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am a 31-year-old attractive and youthful looking female. My boyfriend and I seem to really be in love, but about halfway into the first year of our relationship he started to comment on other women a lot. Not necessarily live women, but women on TV (i.e. the football cheerleaders, models, whatever fairly gorgeous woman appeared on the screen), and I became very aware of a jealousy growing inside me. I'm not typically a jealous woman -- I think women are beautiful also -- but I was becoming increasingly aware of his noticing other women's attributes over mine. I mean I know it's normal, especially for men, but asked him not to be so vocal, and he jumped my shit, claiming I was too sensitive and didn't understand his sense of humor. Well he's toned it down some, but now I find myself noticing little things and I'm letting the green-eyed monster take over my brain. It has really become a source of tension with us, and I just don't know how to let it go. Any suggestions?

-- M.H.

Dear M.H.,
Dr. Lovemonkey doubts that it's jealousy per se that you are experiencing, but more a growing sense of the inappropriateness of your boyfriend's comments. As you said, you're "not typically a jealous woman," and your negative response to your boyfriend's boneheaded comments are not necessarily a sign of jealousy -- more likely, recognition of the fact that you're with someone who is acting out in a very immature and primitive manner. This is irritating, disappointing and tedious.

It's not unusual for someone to be impressed with another's perky buttocks, well-developed chest or excellent legs. When people keep mentioning it in front of other people, however, I would suspect it has something to do with a deeper insecurity on their part. It certainly is annoying, and you have been very generous and helpful to your boyfriend by pointing this out to him. It's demeaning when people become overly concentrated on body parts. It could be that he thinks this is funny, because he realizes the deep stupidity factor at work. Somehow, though, I doubt this

I also wonder if there are frequently other hetero-males around when your boyfriend is spewing out his appraisals. If so, I suspect this is a Mr. Man insecurity thing -- understandable until about the age of 17, at which time it becomes very tired.

If your boyfriend continues to be defensive about this, persisting in loudly proclaiming the physical virtues of models and actresses, I would move on to someone with adult sensibilities and encourage him to move to a trailer park. At that point, he might try to get booked on Jerry Springer, Rikki Lake, Montel Williams, Maury Povich, or another of the syndicated TV talk shows where T&A talk is the lingua franca.

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