Cracking up

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Here's my situation: I've been seeing this woman (she's 32, and I'm 42) for about a year. We've been living together since last August. She's great in every way: funny, sexy, smart, never married, no kids, no baggage, very attentive in bed. Of course, there's a big "but" coming (otherwise why would I be writing?) -- she used to be with a guy who was a big crack user. She started using as well. She keeps saying that, every now and again, she just likes to scratch that itch. I'm no prude, but that's where I think she's crossing the line. To make matters worse, whenever this fancy strikes her, she goes out and gets it, and is hours late coming home (she works second shift). I stop and wonder what else she is "getting" when she doesn't come home until 2 or 3 a.m. (with no call). Afterwards, she's always very contrite and apologetic. I'm trying to convince her, if she can't help herself, that she's an addict and needs to get help. We've discussed the M word - marriage. But I can't let this go any farther until the situation is resolved. What do you think?

-- Anon

Dear Anon,
One need not be a "prude" to acknowledge that crack is bad shit and, as with heroin, the "casual" user stands a very strong chance of becoming a habitual user, aka, addict. As long as your girlfriend wants to mess around with crack, expect he unexpected. She'll be coming home late, dissembling (lying), and her irresponsibility will only increase.

You're aware of how this whole thing works: you're right -- she needs help, but she has to want to seek it. You can't even consider marriage until she's all there, and, currently, she's not. Of course, there are many other dangers associated with using drugs like crack, such as potential arrest and incarceration, health issues, and the dangers inherent in associating with desperate people. Probably the best thing is to pull back from your relationship while continuing to offer her help. Tell her that the relationship can't develop until she's dealt with her drug problem.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been friendly with a guy for about two and a half years. In the last year or so, I've found myself becoming increasingly attracted to him. He's kind, funny, intelligent, and very supportive of his female friends. Our mutual group of friends is an affectionate one, so it's hard to tell whether he may be interested in me in a romantic way as well. I've been shy about letting him know how I feel. I keep coming up with reasons not to give him a chance to say something. A mutual friend of ours dated him for a while a year ago, and we have different religious upbringings, although neither of us is particularly devout).

I don't want to ruin our friendship. What is your advice in this situation?

-- Feeling Uncertain

Dear Feeling Uncertain,
The only way you'll be able to ascertain whether he's romantically interested in you is to be a bit more assertive. You have to overcome some of your shyness and give some less subtle hints that you're interested. I don't understand the "religious upbringings" reference, and why you brought it up, unless it's an issue of sorts for one of you. It's sort of like saying, out of the blue, "he's bald, but neither he nor I are bothered by this." So maybe the religious difference is an issue for one of you.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Hi, Doc! I'm sure this question has been asked more than once, but I thought you might have some new insights into my "issue." Basically, I've had an off/on relationship, for about five years, with a girl I met during my freshman year in college. The first few years, we went out as a boyfriend/girlfriend setup, and the last couple just as very close people (we had our share of fights), and neither of us was dating other people at that time.

About two months ago, after I decided that I wasn't getting the things I would have liked out of the relationship, we parted ways. She hasn't called me, so I assume she's happy that we're not talking any more. Anyway, the problem is, that after all the time we've spent together, I've gotten quite attached to her and miss her madly sometimes. I guess my feelings were/are leaning to the romantic, as opposed to platonic direction.

What would you suggest I do in this case, aside from the usual "go get a date" answer?

-- Tempted

Dear Tempted,
She hasn't called you, so you assume she's happy that you're not talking any more. You apparently haven't called her either, yet you seem to be unhappy that you're not talking with her. It's conceivable that she could be pining for you, too. But you won't know her state of mind unless, of course, you call her and tell her that you miss her.

Perhaps she's happy and quite satisfied that you parted ways. You were together for five years. That would seem a reasonable enough pretext for giving her a call. She may feel awkward about making the initial contact if you're the one chiefly responsible for dissolving the relationship. You have to decide whether both of you are capable of building a relationship in which you fulfill each other's needs and desires. If you think this is possible, give her a call. If, on the other hand, you're just having a hard time getting out of an old habit, move on with your life.

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