Separation anxiety

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than two years. Previously, there was tension, because while I wanted to move in with him, he did not want me to and claimed that we had too many issues to work through first. In retrospect, he was right. However, I have moved in to my own apartment (I was previously living at home), and am doing well. We are extremely close -- monogamous and rather loving. What is upsetting, however, is that my boyfriend continually takes trips without me, and really looks forward to them.

It hurts me to wait by the phone for a week or two at a time. Recently, his sister invited us for a trip to LA in March. Yesterday, he told me that "it would be a bad idea" for me to go, and that my "issues" would interfere with the trip. It's terribly hurtful that he's so ready to isolate me from these parts of his life. I am also angry -- who does he think he is, deciding for me whether or not I should go?! He says I'm extremely "high-maintenance," and that I constantly have to be babied. I do not (would dare not) mention to him that every time we're out together, especially at a club, I'm constantly afraid that he'll get violent and invariably want to fight some guy who is looking at me too hard. He drinks, and I find it unfair that he can bring up my issues, but I can't bring up his. This, partially, is my own fault, as I cannot seem to bring up such a painful issue.

I know I'm talking about a lot here. But I'm constantly angry with him, and I'm genuinely hurting right now. The real issue for me, beyond even the alcoholism and possessiveness, is his fear of commitment. He's still apprehensive about living together. And if he's still taking trips without me after so long, what does that say about everything?

-- Angry and Hurting

Dear Angry and Hurting,
Consider it a stroke of luck that you didn't move in with you boyfriend when you wanted to. For whatever reason, your boyfriend feels the need to compartmentalize you in his life. So, despite the intimacy you feel, he obviously doesn't share your desire for a stronger commitment. And, as has become obvious to you, he has major issues with control and alcohol.

This doesn't mean that you can't work through this. You would be very good candidates for couples counseling. If you are both willing to confront those things that upset and anger you about the other person, you have already made an important step. You certainly do have issues. Until you confront them, things will drag on, and your anger and hurt will remain unresolved.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
This is going to be short because I don't like thinking about it. My boyfriend prides himself on being honest and straightforward, and he's looking for me to be the same way. But we live together and we don't trust each other. I found two teenage porn magazines hidden in his closet. This seems weird to me. Playboy seems somewhat natural (popular with other males and acceptable), but teenage porn worries me. Should I be worried? We've talked about his childhood -- no sexual issues with him or his two older brothers.

-- Don't Know What to Think

Dear Don't Know What to Think,
Dr. Lovemonkey is not exactly certain what "teenage porn" is, but it seems that a large number of the naked photos one may observe in Playboy are of teenagers, people who recently graduated from their teenage years, or people who could be mistaken for teenagers. So the issue of what is or isn't natural, and what is or isn't acceptable in terms of viewing photographs of naked strangers, isn't one of which I have a complete grasp.

You did ask if you should be worried, and I'd answer in the affirmative. What you should be worried about is contained in the sentence, "We live together and we don't trust each other." This is not a good situation since it will lead you to do things like rifling through each other's closets for incriminating materials. Start working on trusting each other. Otherwise, stop living together, as you'll only end up being a destructive force in each other's lives.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am currently in a lesbian relationship with a woman and have been for two years now. I love her dearly and love making love to her. However with life's busy schedule, we find it tough to actually have sex. I just need some advice to help spruce it up a bit. Being a lesbian, there are only so many new things that you can try, and it's tough to find "sex books for lesbians" at Barnes & Noble. If we're lucky, we maybe have sex once every two weeks. I think that maybe she's bored. Do you know of any interesting lovemaking books? Or Web sites that aren't pornographic?

-- Shaba

Dear Shaba,
Dr. Lovemonkey need not be a lesbian to contest the statement about, "being a lesbian there are only so many new things that you can try." Au contraire, my dear. There are so many various body parts that can come into play, but the most important body part of all is your imagination. Okay, I know your imagination isn't a body part, but you get the idea.

A number of bookstores have excellent gay/lesbian and human sexuality sections, but it sounds like your main obstacle is scheduling enough time together, so concentrate on that. And, no, I don't know of any Web sites that aren't pornographic.

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