A clean break

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am not from the area, but I stumbled over your Web site while trying to find porn (just kidding). Anyway, I was so amused by the letters sent to you that I decided to ask for your advice. I am 20 years of age and live in Maryland. A year ago, I went out on a date with a girl I met in my college class. I didn't have a girlfriend and I thought it would be nice to go out. From the first day until the present there haven't been any sparks flying. She's not that interesting or amusing, and she seems to enjoy my company about as much as I do hers. However, I am attracted physically to her. It's not that I don't like her, but for some reason I feel nothing. This has never happened to me before. Her attitude is the same -- the sexual element is the only thing keeping this ship afloat. I know this should be a guy's dream, but I feel that something is missing. My question is, should I keep seeing this girl until I meet someone I really care about? It seems she wouldn't care if we broke up.

I know the lack of emotional involvement signals that something is wrong with her or me, but I don't think I can "fix it."

-- Dazed & Confused John

Dear Dazed & Confused John,
You're engaged in an uncommitted sexual relationship, and since you're both apparently on the same wavelength, there's nothing egregious going on -- just two people with nothing better to do than to sexually use each other. But breaking it off might be smart since, as you say, you're hoping to eventually meet someone that you really care about. Despite the lack of passion in your current relationship, there are feelings involved -- regardless of how low the wattage may be. Heretofore hidden emotions have a way of cropping up when someone leaves a person for another.

If you break this off now -- when neither of you is involved with someone else -- it would likely be a fairly clean break, with little chance of anyone's feelings being hurt. If you wait until one of you gets involved with someone else, however, unimaginable things could bubble to the surface. For instance, a future love interest might feel that they're complicity ending your current sexual relationship, making the new sweetheart "feel funny." It's better to break things off now when there's not another person in the mix.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My wife and I have talked about trying a threesome with another man. To avoid the obvious problems that could occur, we think our additional partner should be a stranger. My wife and I have a great sex life and we've been together for many years. I believe she has never been with another man. She says she is curious, but that it's not a big deal if we never try. It is a big turn on for me to imagine her enjoying two men, but do you think there any pitfalls to consider before we try something like this?

-- George

Dear George,
A perusal of the Dr. Lovemonkey archives will reveal that the "threesome question" has been broached many times. Are there any pitfalls? We don't have enough room here to discuss the multitude of potential problems, but check the online archives for past discussions. In short, securing the service of male (or female) prostitutes -- this, in essence, is what you're talking about -- isn't an area that Dr. Lovemonkey cares to traverse.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Okay, this is stupid and it's not even a problem. It's just that I feel kind of worthless because I don't have a boyfriend, and I want one. I'm not bad looking at all. In fact, if I had a picture, I'm sure you would find me pleasing to the eye. Basically, all my friends have boyfriends, and during this big party, everyone is going to have someone to make out with. I don't want to be just standing there, watching my friends make out. Maybe you can refer me to someone or something. AHH WHATEVER. Just tell me I'm stupid and to get over it.

-- Shari

Dear Shari,
Sorry, if I'm a little late for the big party. I hope you came up with a satisfactory solution to your dilemma. In any case, the doctor is disappointed that your friends scheduled a big make-out party where everyone is paired off except you. This is somewhat thoughtless on their part. If the "make-out party" issue crops up again and you feel that you'll be uncomfortable being there alone, you should pass on it, stay home and watch the tube. On New Year's Eve, there was the unique opportunity to watch Dick Clark's annual rockin' affair -- an experience that might change your whole perspective (i.e., the sight of the severely plastic surgery-enhanced Mr. Clark would be enough to stifle anyone's make-out ardor in a nanosecond). Real friends throw parties in which no one feels ill at ease.

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