Ex and the city

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
A few months ago I moved to Boston for a woman I was still in love with, an ex-girlfriend. I was unhappy with my job and wanted a change of scene, so what better excuse than to move to an area where my now ex-girlfriend lives. After some issues with me moving, we finally found out that everything looked optimistic again. We were hanging out just about every weekend, and having a sexual relationship on the side. I was perfectly happy with no commitment to me, just as long as she was only seeing me. I was going to be as patient as possible.

Recently, I found out she's dating other guys and not just seeing me. I am devastated and really don't know what to do. I thought everything was looking up and up, and we were working on resolving our differences and getting back together. I have not talked to her since I've found out she was dating, but really do truly miss her. I thought I was doing the right thing by moving to the same place as her, but now it just seems to be backfiring. Any suggestions?

-- Brian

Dear Brian,
If I'm reading correctly, it seems that you made the move to Boston without consulting your ex. So it's not a situation where you had made plans together and she's being disingenuous. She is still very much interested in sowing her wild oats, and if you want an exclusive intimate relationship, it ain't going to happen.

Your attempt to rekindle the romance was not necessarily a bad idea. It's just that it didn't work because that's not what she's interested in at this time. You say you were "perfectly happy" with no commitment -- and this is what no commitment means. So, if you're someone who desires faithfulness and exclusivity, you're with the wrong person. Luckily, you are in Boston, a city with many, many unattached people. Break this off and experience Boston.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
For all my life my right eyebrow hairs have grown to a higher level than my left eyebrow hairs. Due to the wonders of the human brain, however, and the psychological necessity of impeccable self-image in modern American society, discernment of this asymmetry is restricted from my cognizance while gazing at my own visage in a mirror.

However, upon viewing myself in a video screen, the asymmetry is immediately recognized. In fact, due to the normal duty of my mental filters to lower the right eyebrow hairs and raise the left eyebrow hairs, the perception is of even graver asymmetry than may be true.

Around the turn of the 21st-century, due to a phenomenon known as Moore's Law, semiconductors and the devices that depended on them became increasingly economical to manufacture, and as a result various devices soon made their way into even the average home. Not long after the end of that decade, I obtained one such device that caused grave consternation: a live action personal video monitor, similar (if not yet

quite up to snuff) to the kind that were so prophetically foretold in the popular cartoon The Jetsons.

Upon suddenly gaining the ability to stare at a non-reversed image of myself -- as projected by a screen, in other words, and not by a mirror, for many hours and in complete privacy -- a neurotic urge to shave the right eyebrow presented itself.

Upon giving in to this psychological pressure, and also having heard that the famed singer Björk had done the same, (moreover, admiring the planet Björk), I attempted to undertake self-surgery and removed some eyebrow hairs.

Soon my entire body was free from hair, as this neurosis was overindulged. Tomorrow, I have a date yet I am completely bare. What should I do? Sincerely,

-- Hairless and Under Surveillance

Dear Hairless and Under Surveillance,
After reading your entire letter, I am somehow not surprised to learn that you are given to staring at a non-reversed image of yourself "for many hours in complete privacy." I did not know that one could trigger hairlessness (or a hairlessness-like condition) by shaving one's eyebrow. Maybe, if I had the entire Bjork discography, I would understand this more fully.

In terms of dating, however, the hairless look is not necessarily detrimental. Dr. Lovemonkey, who began experiencing baldness more than 25 years ago, shaved his head for at least a decade and found that it did not, in any way, put a cramp on his romantic life.

As one who seems to be enamored of the The Jetsons, you would perhaps be willing to try some cartoon-like solutions for your dilemma. You may recall an earlier animated star, one E. Fudd, was pretty much hairless. Although his stardom and prestige were greatly overshadowed by Bugs Bunny, he, nonetheless, gained great popularity and success in his career.

If you are unhappy going with the hairless look, you could always invest in a grease pencil and apply your own eyebrows and/or mustache. (There's also that Ron Popeil spray-on hair of infomercial fame.) This worked well for Groucho Marx well into middle age and then he decided to cultivate the natural look and actually grow his own. Of course, Groucho was a real person and experienced much pain and suffering in his life (see the recent Stefan Kanfer biography, Groucho: The Life and Times of Julius Henry Marx), but none of it seemed directly related to his decision to paint hair on to his head. As a matter of fact, Groucho's greatest successes, on Broadway and in Hollywood, paralleled his painted-on hair phase.

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