Don't go there

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a single 25-year-old woman with a good office job. About a year ago, I had a brief relationship with a married co-worker. We only slept together twice, but it was obvious that we really hit it off. Anyway, right when this was happening, he left the company to take a job with another company in another town (actually, it's only about 20 miles away). I heard nothing from him for almost 10 months, so I sent him an e-mail to ask what was up. He called me back that same day, and said he still cared about me and that we would get together some time soon. I haven't heard back from him since then.

Should I pursue this any further? Do you think that he's dumping me?

-- Confused and Disappointed

Dear Confused and Disappointed,
By no means should you be pursuing this. Despite the fact that you had a pleasurable two evenings with this guy, the real story is this: He's married and you were a convenient diversion. Since you're no longer working in the same place together every day, you are no longer so convenient. He seems inclined to cheat on his wife and will most likely find someone more accessible to cheat with.

Chances are, he called you after receiving your e-mail, because, since you're not too geographically far away, you could blow the whistle on this philanderer with his wife. He probably told you he was interested in getting together again because his forte is avoidance, and he wanted to avoid rejecting you.

This guy is a major "chooch" (a word from my youth in Pawtucket that, for Dr. Lovemonkey, says it all). Even if he did respond and tried to get back together with you, you should avoid him. Move on, forget about this guy, and look for someone who is not married and not cheating.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm 24 and I've been with almost 30 women in my life, so I have had a bit of experience. A couple of months ago, I started seeing this one woman who has quite a lot going on in her life. She is really great and I'm crazy about her. We don't get to see each other that much, but I don't seem to feel anxious about that and I don't feel any jealousy.

This is really strange, because, whenever I've been in a situation where I'm able to be with someone almost 24/7, I've been very wary of what they might be up to. But for some reason, I feel really comfortable with this woman, and don't worry that she's involved with someone else. What I'm wondering about is whether this indicates a certain lack of passion on my part. I do get excited when I see her, but I get maybe too comfortable when we're together and even comfortable when we're apart. What's up with this?

-- Maybe Too Comfortable

Dear Maybe Too Comfortable,
Congratulations. It sounds like you're growing up. Possessiveness and jealousy are primarily about immaturity and insecurity. Sounds like you might be getting past this larval stage of emotional development.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with someone for over a year now. We moved in together about three months ago. I knew that he was married and divorced, but recently I spoke to his ex-wife, and she told me that every time he talks to her or sees her (they have a four-year-old son and he sees him on weekends), he begs her to give him another chance and come back to him. She also indicated that he told her we'd only been together for a short while and were not living together. I am really concerned that I've made a big mistake here, and I'm not sure how to get out of it. He's basically a really good guy, so I'm wondering if there isn't some way we can patch things up. Do you think that this is likely?

-- Freaking Out

Dear Freaking Out,
One vitally important element has been left out of your letter. Have you discussed with your boyfriend your chat with his ex-wife? What she has told you, if true, is troubling and indicates problems with your relationship. But it could be that his ex-wife is vindictive or jealous, or has some other motivation or agenda that would lead her to give you disinformation. It is imperative that you talk to your boyfriend and get his side of the story.

Of course, that will not necessarily prove anything. If he says that his ex-wife is not telling the truth, you have to decide how much you trust him, and how logical and reasonable his side of the story is. On the other hand, if your boyfriend acknowledges that he does beg his ex to take him back every time he sees her, you've got to ask yourself (and him) what's up with that. It sounds to Dr. Lovemonkey that this situation has already caused distrust between you. You have to nip this in the bud by establishing what is true and what is not, and if you feel that you can't trust him, then get the hell out.

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