Disorienting orientation

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

---

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have a question about my boyfriend that is somewhat delicate. We have been together for almost two years now (we are both 22) and he is the greatest guy. He is also very different from any other man that I've ever known. He is really into clothes and material (he sews and sews very well). He likes cooking and antiques, is very big on musical theater and fashion magazines. Basically, he's like a walking breathing stereotype of a gay man.

I do not want to bring my concerns up to him. We have a very healthy and satisfying sex life and he shows no signs of being interested in men. In fact, he has actually commented on other attractive women to me.

But, I can't help by be concerned about stories I have heard about men suddenly realizing that they are gay and walking out on a their marriage or partnership with a woman. I just don't want to be in that position. Any idea what I should do?

-- Worried

Dear Worried,
That your boyfriend has a number of traits generally associated with women would make him androgynous rather than gay. As you seem to have noticed, androgyny can be very cool and interesting. It certainly does not sound like your boyfriend is going through any sort of confusion having to do with his sexual orientation. From what you've told me, it sounds like he's straight and secure about it.

But, as should be obvious to all of us by now, sexual orientation is pretty mysterious stuff that we know very little about. The research that Dr. Lovemonkey is familiar with indicates that sexual orientation is a scale with 1 being totally gay and 10 being totally straight. The vast majority for people fall somewhere in the middle, with very few people at 1 or 10 ends of the scale.

So, at this time, the only thing I'd be concerned about is a tendency to on your part to buy into stereotypes. For instance, you see a guy sitting at a lunch counter, wearing one of those spaghetti-strap white T-shirts and ordering a "sang-whish" and the initial thought that comes to some people's mind is that this could be a low-level member of organized crime. Why? Because we've all seen Donnie Brasco and numerous reruns of the TV series, Wiseguy. But, at the same time, did anyone ever consider that, instead of someone "connected" the guy just might be, the Boss, Bruce Springsteen? (Who, in reality, is more like the Union Steward than the Boss.) There is a germ of great wisdom in there somewhere and, when you find it, please let Dr. Lovemonkey know.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Three years ago, I started going out with a woman who was on the rebound from a long-term relationship. I realized at the time that it was a risky idea and that there were usually problems associated with people who had not had a proper amount of time to heal. But I went ahead and did it anyway and we seemed to be having a really good relationship for at least the first year/year-and-a-half.

Then she started distancing herself from me and suggesting that maybe we needed to have a little space and see other people and things like that. Well, I wasn't really interested, but what could I do? I explained that I wasn't interested and she dropped it for a while but then, within a couple of months, she expressed similar desires.

Anyway, we ended up breaking up about 10 months ago and I come to find out in just a matter of weeks after that, that she was seeing another guy most of the time that she was with me. It sort of pissed me off to discover this and so I didn't really have any contact with her for the next few months. In the past few weeks though, I have heard from her and she has indicated to me that she'd like to be friends again. But I also hear through the grapevine that, even though she's still with the other guy, they have been having problems lately and, not too long ago, he actually moved out for a week or so, before coming back.

I'm not sure what to think about this situation. Although I'm no longer pissed off at her, and I do care about her a lot (and, frankly, am still very attracted to her), I'm not sure if I can be "just friends" with her and am equally not sure if it is even a good idea to start getting in contact again. I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on this.

-- Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

Dear Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered,
I think that your better instincts on this are pretty sound. This is someone who betrayed you and lied to you (not just in a few instances, but in an ongoing manner). The whole scenario you describe does not sound like one with an upside for you. At the same time, you have competing instincts, ones that seem to be emanating from the nether regions.

So, Dr. Lovemonkey suggests that you (to paraphrase the Great and Powerful Oz) "pay no attention to the member behind that zipper." Yes, it sounds like your male unit is beckoning you to once again get involved with this woman. Remember this scientific fact: the accumulated conscience, intelligence and wisdom of one's dick is still not visible even when viewed through the world's most powerful microscope.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archives

---