What's crap got to do with it?

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Both of these letters were received within a few days of each other last week. Dr. Lovemonkey is always enthusiastic to have some sort of "theme" going in this column, especially during holidays and other special occasions. Unfortunately, this particular theme isn't exactly what I had in mind. Nonetheless, Dr. Lovemonkey wishes all of his readers a joyous holiday season, and best wishes and much success and happiness in the coming year.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have for you a question of etiquette -- an arena in which I know the Lovemonkey's skill is surpassed by only his ability to engage in repartee over amber fluids. Last summer, you see, I started to notice a profusion of dog turds on my lawn. There's a neighbor across the way whose hound I often saw scampering, seemingly reflexively, for a trot over to my front yard. I repeatedly spoke to the neighbor about my suspicion that his dog was responsible for the accumulated excrement and, in a polite way, asked him to keep an eye on his pooch. The crapping continued unabated, but after finally making a real pain in the ass of myself, the neighbor seemed to do a better job in monitoring his dog. Then after a period of no problems, the canine turds appeared again. This weekend, I heard a noise outside my living room and caught the neighbor's hound flagrante delicto, making a deposit on my lawn, while the neighbor stood on his porch. "Your dog's crapping on my lawn and I want it cleaned up," I clamored. The poop was still there by the next mid-day, so, my hand sheathed in a plastic bag, I flung the frozen dog deposits onto the steps of my neighbor's home. Anticipating possible problems, I kept my World War I US cavalry sword by the front door, but the flinging has apparently passed without incident. Tell me, was my response that of a sagacious and reasonable man?

-- The Turd-Tosser of Congdon Street

Dear Turd-Tosser of Congdon Street,
Considering the fact that you had numerous contacts with your neighbor, prior to your dramatic action, about your displeasure with the location of his dog's fecal deposits, I would say that this was not an unreasonable response. The truly sagacious response, however, may have taken a bit more effort, but it also might provide more satisfactory results.

Rather than sheathing your hand in plastic, hand-held garden tools should suffice. Place the offending dog matter in a small box and, since " 'tis the season," it should be no problem to secure seasonal wrapping materials. Wrap the box in a festive spirit and, the next time the doggy scampers up the lawn, lure him over and tie the present about his neck.

Some would say that this is quite unfair, as the dog was just doing what dogs do and the real offender is the neighbor who has not taken responsibility. However, dogs are not humans and, strangely enough, do not mind having neatly wrapped shit tied around their necks. In fact, I suspect they rather enjoy it. Your neighbor, when he sees his dog and unwraps the gift, will undoubtedly not enjoy it.

On the other hand, given all the back-and-forth that has been going on with your neighbor for some time now, Dr. Lovemonkey would not be surprised if this became a protracted struggle.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
The neighbors' dog is still crapping on my lawn, and they don't have the common courtesy to stop it from happening. Last night, I caught the dog red-handed again, and the patriarch of this clan of dysfunctional weasels, a natty dresser who gets about in an aging compact car festooned with Republican stickers, couldn't be bothered. "Your dog is crapping on my lawn, and I want it cleaned up!" I bellowed. The chief weasel, displaying a keen denial of his responsibility to curb his dog, retorted, "If that's your biggest problem, you've got a pretty good life." I've learned the Providence police will dispatch an animal officer to my home to help resolve this problem, and I'm hoping that this approach yields dividends.

-- The Fresh Crown Prince of Congdon Street

Dear Fresh Crown Prince of Congdon Street,
Isn't it interesting how Republicans are always reminding those who make far less money than they do what a good life they have. Perhaps your neighbor would be willing to switch lives with you, allowing you to be the recipient of all of that money inherited from his slave-trading ancestors, and you could then crap on his lawn (no need to bring in canine intermediaries - getting right to the point is a far more satisfying response). Let me know what happens when you bring in law enforcement.

One caveat, though. Dr. Lovemonkey remembers another case, one that took place in North Providence a few years back. It had to do with the length of a neighbor's hedge. Although shrubbery generally does not share the viscous nature or the malodorous aroma of the substances you've been dealing with, the dispute nonetheless set off the other neighbor. Indeed, it was enough to push him over the brink and slay the other one. So, you see, this escalating war could get truly ugly. It would be nice to think of some way to lighten the situation with humor, but it seems that it has gone far beyond that stage.

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