Wedding bell blues

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend and I have been together for seven years, and we've lived together for six. The problem is that for the past couple of years, she's been increasingly aggressive about the idea that we should get married. I certainly can understand it, but it's like we're married already and I don't see the necessity to "sign up with the state," so to speak, and get involved in a situation where there are legal elements. Also, I am pretty much agnostic, and the whole religious element is something that I don't go for.

I love my girlfriend very much and was quite happy with things until she brought up this marriage deal. Frankly, I don't know if I ever want to get married. What can I tell her to end all this marriage talk?

-- Not Ready

Dear Not Ready,
You can tell her one of two things -- either "I do" or "We don't belong together and we should end it." If you're not on the same page about this, after seven years of investing in a relationship, then I suspect you never will be. Obviously, your girlfriend believes in marriage, and it's unfair for you to keep leading her on. If you don't believe in marriage, you should tell her so in no uncertain terms. Regardless of your reasons for not wanting to marry, your girlfriend believes you've had enough time to decide whether you'd like to make a lifetime commitment. Dr. Lovemonkey agrees with your girlfriend. If you don't want to marry her, tell her, so she can move on and, maybe, find someone who does believe in marriage.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
The Christmas party for my husband's office was held last week. There was much drinking and merriment, but also an incident that I'm concerned about. My husband and one of the young women who work in his office were missing for quite some time. I hadn't even thought of this until another one of the people that work there mentioned it to me. I went looking for him, and saw my husband and this young woman coming out of an office, and he was patting her on the ass. He, however, did not see me.

I've been waiting for a few days, and he hasn't said anything about it. I'm assuming that he won't say anything about it, and I wonder if I should bring it up.

-- Angry

Dear Angry,
It depends on what you want to do about this. I would say you're on pretty solid ground in assuming that he's not going to bring it up, since he doesn't think you know. How and why would he bring it up? If you can let him know you are disappointed in his behavior, and find it unacceptable, then go ahead. If you are so angry and shocked that you believe that marriage counseling is needed, go in that direction. The thing to avoid is merely letting this become an argument without the possibility of redemption.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm almost 14 years old, and I've been going out with a guy who is 19 for the last four months. I really love him, and I know he really loves me, but I also know that my parents will not understand, so I haven't told them anything about it. It is driving me crazy, though. I wonder if I should tell them, and, if I do, how do I do that? Is there some way that I can explain to them that the age thing really doesn't matter if we really love each other?.

Craig (my boyfriend) doesn't think that it's a good idea to tell them, because they'll never understand. He hasn't talked to his family about our relationship either, because they won't understand. But I am generally close to my family, and I have a very hard time keeping this whole thing secret. Any advice on what to do?

-- Confused

Dear Confused,
"Almost 14" makes you 13, and you're going out with a 19-year-old? What's on his mind, anyway? The age issue is real for non-adults. There's no way that you're emotionally, socially or sexually ready to be going out with a 19-year-old guy. You are still developing in so many areas, and the guy you are seeing is practically an adult, although he is not acting like one. Dr. Lovemonkey is just wondering what would possess an intellectually and emotionally mature 19-year-old male to be dating a 13-year-old girl. It would seem that he's not intellectually and emotionally developed and, no matter how mature you might be for your age, it's just not a good idea for you to be going out with someone so much older.

Six years may not be a big difference when you are in your twenties or thirties, or older, but it makes a huge difference when you're 13. Your parents certainly know this, and would quite rightly frown on this relationship. Dr. Lovemonkey also frowns on it, and I urge you to break it off immediately. Whether or not you or your boyfriend know it, there are legal implications for sexual activity between the two of you. He is legally an adult and you're a minor. Trust Dr. Lovemonkey, and the good sense of your parents, and end this. You are not ready.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
When someone says that they love you, does that mean that they truly love you?

-- In Love, but Worried

Dear In Love, but Worried,
Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. There are times when people believe that they love someone, but are merely infatuated. Sometimes they don't know themselves. Then there's this little quirk that many people have picked up on. It's called "lying." Amazingly, some people do it all the time. For instance, Dr. Lovemonkey was walking down the street the other day, and this guy came up to me and explained that his car had run out of gas, and he needed about $5 to make it home. I gave him the money, but instead of returning to an automobile and driving to a nearby gas station, the guy went into the closest liquor store.

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