Luv hurtz

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

---

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have a boyfriend. Sumtimes, we get along and sumtimes we don't. Should I keep going out with him or should I get out now before I get hurt?

-- Worried

Dear Worried,
I need to know a bit more information before I can advise you. For instance, what form does your not getting along take? Is there physical, verbal, or emotional abuse? What do you experience when you're getting along that makes you think that it works? But, of course, the first thing you should do is learn how to spell.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a single male, 22 years old, and about a week ago I walked into this doughnut shop and saw the most beautiful woman I've ever seen behind the counter. We made eye contact (I am certain that I'm not imagining this) and we smiled at each other, but that was it. Now, I would really like to meet this woman, but I'm not sure how to go about it. Are there any surefire ways that I can meet and impress her without appearing too obvious?

-- Smitten

Dear Smitten,
To Dr. Lovemonkey's knowledge, there are no "surefire" ways of courting. But if you would like to meet this woman, it shouldn't be too difficult. Just reappear at the doughnut shop. You will need to screw up your courage, walk to the counter and order a dozen Bavarian crèmes. Make sure to inform her that the doughnuts are not for you, and that you rarely eat doughnuts. This is because, for some reason, doughnut aficionados have little romantic appeal to the female of the species. That is, with one exception. And this is the area where you must tread carefully. (We will deal with that in a minute.)

Engage the counterwoman in conversation and see if you can elicit information on her dating life. If she is free, available and interested, then feel free to invite her out or plan to meet again. However, you want to make sure that she isn't currently seeing a wildly jealous police officer. Since this is a doughnut shop and such establishments are known magnets for law enforcement personnel, you want to make sure about this. As noted earlier, this is the one circumstance where rampant doughnut eating is allowed. For some reason, cop groupies don't seem to mind. For another reason, the donut conundrum doesn't crop up in relationships between female cops and civilian men. Of course, I neglected to ask if you were a cop. I suspect otherwise, since doughnut dating rituals are better known by police than Dr. Lovemonkey.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
It seems that every time I meet a woman who I'm really attracted to and we're hitting it off, she backs off while at the same time telling me that I'm such a "nice guy." I am very frustrated by my lack of success in this area. Is there some way I can be seen as not so much a "nice guy," but attractive and desirable? Any idea on what I might be doing wrong?

-- No More Mr. Nice Guy

Dear (No More) Mr. Nice Guy,
This is another of those circumstances where I would need to know a bit more specific detail. But generally, this sort of situation crops up when a guy has been a little too attentive and, from the woman's perspective, appears to be either desperate or obsessed. It could be that the objects of your affection are feeling smothered by your attention and you need to back off a bit.

There's probably no bigger "turn-off" (and, boy, do I hate to use a phrase that I first saw in a Playboy centerfold) for a woman than when a man seems desperate. Think about your behavior in these various relationships that never got off the ground. Were you always the more assertive one? Did it seem that the women you pursued would easily tire of your attention? In retrospect, might you have come on too strongly?

This is Dr. Lovemonkey's suspicion, and what you want to do is modify your behavior, slow down, and try to cultivate relationships more slowly. One of the benefits of a slow-moving relationship is that, if things aren't working out, it's much easier to extricate yourself from the situation with some style and grace. That goes for both participants.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
When someone says that they love you, does that mean that they truly love you?

-- In Love, but Worried

Dear In Love, but Worried,
Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. There are times when people believe that they love someone, but are merely infatuated. Sometimes they don't know themselves. Then there's this little quirk that many people have picked up on. It's called "lying." Amazingly, some people do it all the time. For instance, Dr. Lovemonkey was walking down the street the other day, and this guy came up to me and explained that his car had run out of gas, and he needed about $5 to make it home. I gave him the money, but instead of returning to an automobile and driving to a nearby gas station, the guy went into the closest liquor store.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archives

---