Generation gap

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am a 21-year-old college student, and I'm feeling very uncomfortable about the fact that my grandfather (who is 62) has started going out with someone who is only a year older than I am! I am his only granddaughter (he has three grandsons), and so I've had a pretty special relationship with him for a long time, but recently I have felt really weird when he kisses or hugs me.

My grandmother died three years ago. My grandfather didn't seem to be in the market for another relationship, but this girl, who lived in the neighborhood, kept becoming more friendly with him. There doesn't seem to be any kind of outrageous exploitation on either of their parts in this (my grandfather is not a dirty old man, and since he's not rich, she's not a money-grubber), but it seems to me that there's something very wrong with this picture.

Outside of the fact that it makes me feel really yucky, I suspect that she's looking for a father figure, or my grandfather is looking to recapture his lost youth. Either way, it doesn't seem to me to be the best basis for a relationship. Besides, a lot of other people in the family frown on it and people in the neighborhood are talking. How can I talk some sense into my grandfather without appearing to be a jerk?

-- Worried About Grandpa

Dear Worried About Grandpa,
You can't talk sense to him without appearing to be a jerk, basically, because you would be a jerk. From everything you tell me, the main problem you have with this relationship is how it looks to others and how "yucky" it makes you feel because of the thought of your grandfather being sexually intimate with someone in your age bracket.

Dr. Lovemonkey has found that, for many young adults, just the thought of their parents or grandparents being sexually active, is too weird to handle. I know that when I was in my twenties, I couldn't fathom the whole concept of sexual activity between my parents. Sex was for my friends and I, so the "yuckiness" factor is probably inescapable when thinking of the sexuality of a grandparent. I would suggest you "not go there" in your mind.

It's possible that your grandfather feels younger, more energetic and revitalized by this relationship. So what if there is an element of "recapturing his lost youth"? And the fact that the girlfriend is maybe seeking more of a "father figure" is not inherently bad, either. Just leave them alone and forget about it. All sorts of combinations and possibilities for happiness exist, and nothing in your letter indicated to Dr. Lovemonkey that there's anything to be alarmed about.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a young, good-looking gay man of 19 who has been seeing another young, good-looking gay man of the same age for six months now. The problem is that we're not getting it on with any frequency, maybe once a week or once every 10 days. I'm wondering if he's lost interest in me. He tells me that we have an exclusive relationship, we're together and that should be enough, but I have caught him masturbating in the shower and in the bathroom a few times. Also, he goes online quite frequently to check out hot porn sites. What's up with this, and what's wrong with me?

-- What's Up?

Dear What's Up,
The fact that your boyfriend might be masturbating frequently or checking out sexually explicit Web sites is not necessarily an indication of anything. But the fact that two 19-year-olds who are purportedly lovers are having sex only once a week or less, is, indeed, alarming. Nineteen is a time when your hormones are fairly racing, and the fact that he's showing a lack of interest in sexual intimacy is a big red flag for your relationship. There are a lot of people in your age group who masturbate frequently and check out porn, but are still sexually active when involved in an intimate relationship.

You might want to consider creating some distance between yourself and your guy, because he's either not very interested or not committed to the relationship. He may reassess things if you were not so available. It could reinvigorate your currently stagnant sex life. On the other hand, it could be that, indeed, he has lost interest. In that case, it would be best for you to move on and find someone with whom you can have a more rewarding relationship.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My wife and I have been having an ongoing disagreement about the election of Hillary Clinton as a senator from New York. I say that she's a lying, enabling charlatan with a left-wing agenda. My wife thinks she's the greatest thing since sliced bread. What do you think of this?

-- Disgusted

Dear Disgusted,
What's the problem? Is this causing marital discord, or are you one of those couples who can have serious philosophical and political disagreements (a la Carville and Matalin) and still get along just fine? Is it not conceivable that Hillary is both a lying, enabling charlatan with a left-wing agenda and, at the same time, the greatest thing since sliced bread? Of course, that bread would be a darker, more healthy bread, as opposed to Wonder Bread or the popular Bunny Bread of my youth.

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