Hard drive, soft drive

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been married to my husband for almost three years. We do not have any children. For the first year, everything was great but over the past two years, he's been getting increasingly into online behaviors that I think are unhealthy. First, he goes into the office where the computer is and locks the door for hours at a time. I know he's chatting online, but I don't know with whom or about what.

Recently, I went into the office and noticed that he had the video camera set up pointed towards where his chair is. I have no idea what this all means, but there is a correlation between our sex lives and his increased involvement with this Internet-locked door thing -- in other words, in the past couple of years, his sexual interest in me has become less and less.

I have not confronted him too strongly about this, but when I've brought it up, he sloughs it off as if it were his hobby or some sort of research he's doing. What do you think?

-- Computer Widow

Dear Computer Widow,
I have no idea what he's doing in there all this time either, but the facts are these: 1) Although married, he's brazenly engaging in "secret" behavior that he will not discuss with his spouse. 2) His behavior over the last two years is not only suspicious, but it has had a negative impact on your intimate life together. 3) Regardless of what he is or is not sharing with others online, he is not sharing his life with you, in contrast to what should be the foundation of a marriage.

You must confront him with your unhappiness immediately and explain that your sexual life has been bad for a long time, that the amount of time he is spending on chat lines is excessive and damaging to your relationship, and he must level with you and start working on the marriage. If he can't get past this, things will only get worse and you're choice will be between a dissatisfying, half-assed marriage or separation and divorce. Nip this in the bud. Counseling is also a good option here. He has to be told in no uncertain terms that his Internet addiction, no matter what the nature of it is, is doing serious damage to the primary relationship in his life.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm 19 years old and a college sophomore. I've been going with a guy (now a senior) for the past year. He's on the football team, very smart and handsome, and basically, a good guy. The problem is that he's always telling me I'm the center of his life, and he's not kidding; I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. If we're not together, he's constantly calling and asking me what I'm doing, and, basically, he tries to spend every minute he can with me.

I could use a little space here. He agrees with this in principle, but when it comes right down to it, he just won't leave me alone. How can I tell this guy in a way that he'll understand that I need a little space?

-- Suffocating

Dear Suffocating,
It's hard to say from your description how bad this guy's problem is. Dr. Lovemonkey suggests that there are varying degrees to this sort of behavior -- everything from obnoxious noodge to the seriously disturbed obsessive. If this is merely a young, insecure guy (despite his accomplishments and talent), he should respond more positively if you remind him that being so possessive and overbearing is turning him into a very tedious fellow. If he reacts well, you can maybe set up some ground rules as to free time and all will be fine. This is the best-case scenario (it also indicates that you are involved with a guy who will listen and act; very good things).

On the other hand, if he continues to be so clinging and insecure, and unable to control himself in terms of his possessive behavior, you might want to take another look and see if he's someone who has problems dealing with issues like jealousy and trust. It would be helpful to know if your boyfriend has difficulty controlling his temper. These are definite red flags and dangerous. No one wants to believe that they are involved with someone who is potentially abusive or violent, but this is a possibility and you should give it serious thought.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My boyfriend gets really angry whenever I'm not feeling well and don't want to be intimate with him. It's not like I get sick a lot, but whenever I do have a cold or something and tell him "not tonight," he thinks that I'm being wimpy and he mopes around, sometimes giving me attitude for days. I think he's being an asshole. Do you agree?

-- Sick (of Him)

Dear Sick (of Him),
Yes. Actually, he is well beyond an asshole. It appears that he doesn't know the difference between romance and rape. Regardless of your reason, if you don't want to have sex, anyone coercing you is committing a sexual assault. My suggestion would be to drop this clown, and look for someone who exhibits emotional maturity that's more on a par with what we expect from human adults and not dogs in heat.

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