Stuck in the middle

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I was going out with a guy for four years. About six months ago we broke up, for good reason. We had been living together, but he never wanted to discuss the next step -- marriage. I considered it for some time and decided that the whole relationship was a dead end.

Any way, about two months ago, I got together with another guy and we've been seeing each other since then. Unfortunately, he knows my ex. Here's the problem: I'm almost 30 and I've been hankering to start a family. My new boyfriend would be fine except that: a) he keeps telling me that he doesn't want a serious relationship; b) he keeps saying that he believes that my ex and I will eventually get back together.

Now, add to this the fact that my ex has been calling me up recently and suggesting that we get back together, or at least discuss what happened. I don't really feel that going over old ground with my ex serves any purpose. And how do I convince my new guy that I am definitely finished with my ex, and that he should give this relationship a chance? I'd be happy for any words of advice.

-- Big Dilemma

Dear Big Dilemma,
It sounds like you have a pretty good, friendly relationship going with this guy. So just go right up to him and say, "Listen, would you like to have lunch with me some time next week?" You're 34 years old -- clearly an adult. I suspect that your professional accomplishments were not achieved by laying back and letting them happen, but by your taking a pro-active position.

If you'd like your personal life to be as fulfilling as your work life seems to be, you should also be pro-active. You've been disappointed when you allowed other people to call the shots, so you should call the shots. You'll be surprised at how quickly your self-consciousness will evaporate once you've taken matters into your own hands. Steel your courage and do it. Even if things don't work out with this guy, the next time you meet someone that you're interested in, you should do the same thing.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
This is one of those questions of etiquette. A woman who I work with has just undergone breast enlargement surgery. What I'd like to know is, what would be the proper way to address her change in appearance when she comes back to work? Right now, she's on vacation after the surgery. What would be the right thing to do?

-- Wanting To Be Supportive

Dear Wanting To Be Supportive,
In most workplaces, one would not be commenting on the changing size of a co-worker's breasts. I say "in most workplaces" because, obviously, if you're working at, say, the Foxy Lady, you're talking about tools of the trade, and Dr. Lovemonkey has heard of actual "pass the hat" situations to help offset one's cosmetic surgery bills.

The rule should be: did this person talk to you about her impending surgery beforehand? If not, then I would caution you not to comment on her new look. However, if she was chattering to you and everyone else in earshot that she was purchasing new hooters, it's probably acceptable, on the first day that she arrives back at work, to leap on your desk, plant index and middle fingers firmly between your lips and let out a loud whistle. Whether or not you add (with sincere gusto), "Great rack job, baby," is optional.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've got a friend who, no matter who I'm talking about, wants to know if the other person is gay or straight. I think that this guy is obsessed with this. I'd like to know if there's a way I can point out to this friend that he's being rude and that this is actually none of his, or my, business. Is there a way to do this without being rude or insensitive myself?

-- Not One To Be Rude

Dear Not One To Be Rude,
Dr. Lovemonkey has a friend who firmly believes that everyone is actually gay. While this could be true, it would not explain world population statistics or the zeal that some people show for increasing the number of fellow humanoids. Of course, it's just as silly to assume that everyone is straight, which is a malady that a lot of other people share. The best posture is, of course, not to assume -- something that your friend is undoubtedly unfamiliar with.

I'm sure that you can figure out a way to point out your friend's stupidity and rudeness to him with the appropriate amount of sensitivity. Dr. Lovemonkey, on the other hand, favors a different method of dealing with such people: something along the lines of, "Why I think he/she swings both ways and so do I. That's why I'm going to ask you to bend over now and prepare to receive my sperm armada." Now, if you're a woman, this particular phrase doesn't work quite so well, so I would suggest maybe, " Who cares? What's really cool is jamming these concrete slabs up your buttocks."

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