Making the first move

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a 34-year-old woman, attractive, intelligent and quite accomplished in my career. I have never been married. One of the reasons is that I am shy. I've had numerous relationships, and none of them lasted more than three years. I think the reason for this is because I have allowed them to happen to me. I haven't gone out and pursued someone; they've pursued me, and if I thought the person was interesting, attractive and nice, I'd go along with it.

Well, finally I've met someone at work who really interests me. He's single, brilliant and very attractive. Also, I think that he's interested in me, although I'm not so sure whether he's actually "flirting" or is just naturally gregarious (far more gregarious than I am, any way). What I'm wondering is, whether I should be a bit more aggressive about this. Do you think that I should ask him out for coffee? I've never really done anything like this before, and I'm pretty self-conscious about it. How would I go about it?

-- Interested but Reticent

Dear Interested but Reticent,
It sounds like you have a pretty good, friendly relationship going with this guy. So just go right up to him and say, "Listen, would you like to have lunch with me some time next week?" You're 34 years old -- clearly an adult. I suspect that your professional accomplishments were not achieved by laying back and letting them happen, but by your taking a pro-active position.

If you'd like your personal life to be as fulfilling as your work life seems to be, you should also be pro-active. You've been disappointed when you allowed other people to call the shots, so you should call the shots. You'll be surprised at how quickly your self-consciousness will evaporate once you've taken matters into your own hands. Steel your courage and do it. Even if things don't work out with this guy, the next time you meet someone that you're interested in, you should do the same thing.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with a wonderful woman for three years. We've talked about marriage a number of times, but there has recently been a hitch in our relationship. Basically, I'm an agnostic. I grew up in the Lutheran church, but ceased my involvement many years ago, when I was a teenager. I am not opposed to religion. I'm just not a participant.

My girlfriend recently started going back to church. She is a Catholic. The only problem is, she has decided we shouldn't have sex any more until we're married. This is very hard for me to accept, since we were sexually active for years. What's up with this, anyway?

-- Trying to Cope

Dear Trying to Cope,
Even if your girlfriend wasn't actively involved in church prior to her new interest, I think some indication of strong spiritual feelings would have been apparent. A person's religious convictions, whether invested in a conventional religious body or not, are an important part of who a person is. You'll have to decide if you're willing to accept her beliefs -- meaning, are you willing to forgo sex until marriage? And are you willing to be supportive of her choice to be an active Catholic?

If this relationship is to work, she'll also have to accept your agnosticism. This is important stuff, and actually more important than the temporary absence of nookie. (By the way, Dr. Lovemonkey has always wondered what the correct spelling of "nookie" is -- is it nookie or nooky?)

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Where is the best place to go out on a date?

-- Jerry

Dear Jerry,
This is a pretty broad area, Jerry, and a lot of it has to do with the personal preference. Dr. Lovemonkey, for instance, likes going to places where there is a roof, and where food and beverage are served. He has found that women tend to like this, too. Frequently, these spots have this thing called "entertainment," but Dr. Lovemonkey sometimes feels this is highly overrated and that the best kind of entertainment on a date is the conversation between the people.

But usually, when someone asks where the best place is to go on a date, I say, "Olneyville."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been seeing a woman for a couple of months, and although we rarely talk about politics, she recently mentioned to me that she's voting for George W. Bush for President. What should I do?

-- Freaking Out

Dear Freaking Out,
I really don't think trying to talk her out of it will work. Since you've only been seeing this woman for a couple of months, it shouldn't be too difficult to cut your losses and get the hell out. Of course, if you're wealthy, you could offer to send her to Paris during the election, so that she wouldn't be able to vote -- it's too late to register for an absentee ballot. Although this would be a very expensive proposition, I can't think of anything more patriotic than tricking people into not voting for bad candidates.

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