Lovesick

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have been married for nine years, and I love my wife and two daughters very much. But for the past two years, my wife has been sick with a disease that makes her rather uninterested in the kind of active sex life we used to have. As a result, I've focused some of my attention on the Internet. In the past six months, I've been communicating with a woman who's also married, but likes to talk dirty to me on-line. We actually have a great time sharing our fantasies and other sexual interests with each other.

The problem is that my wife thinks this is wrong. I tell her there's no way that I'll ever hook up with or meet this woman, but she still thinks it's some sort of betrayal for me to spend time in an innocuous way on-line with someone who's actually anonymous. I don't see where it should be a problem. Also, I think my wife sometimes uses her illness as an excuse, and that she really isn't suffering as much as she claims. How can I explain to her that this on-line relationship is really nothing?

-- Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,
You can't explain this, because, in fact, your wife is right. Your on-line relationship is inappropriate. You are sharing intimacies that should be reserved for your partner. Even though you have no intention of ever meeting this woman, it's not just sexual activity that constitutes a betrayal of trust.

I have no idea if your wife is exaggerating her illness, but the fact is, she's ill and you acknowledge this. Your best course would be to mend the relationship with your wife by seeking counseling for the both of you. By having intimate discussions with someone else, you're taking something that's reserved for you and your wife. Not good.

Please work on the relationship with your wife and realize that this is the real thing. Maybe if you opened up more she'd be more willing to share your fantasies, even if she's not able to participate as fully in the physical aspect of your sexual life. Since there appears to have been some drifting apart, I would suggest talking with a therapist and, perhaps, her doctor as well. Good luck.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a 36-year-old man and have been thinking for a few years that it's probably about time I settle down, find the right woman and get married. I've had many girlfriends over the years, and my relationships always seem to follow the same pattern: I fall madly in love and then, less than a year down the line, I find myself disappointed.

One thing I know that I do wrong is to compare the different women I've been with. I start out all excited. Then, I start thinking about the qualities of other women I've been with and realize that the current woman doesn't meet those standards. I know this is probably wrong, but I can't help doing it and I end up breaking up. How can I stop this cycle?

-- Prisoner of Love

Dear Prisoner of Love,
It's fortunate that you have some understanding of what you've been doing. You understand that everyone is a unique individual, and that by constantly making these comparisons, you're undermining your relationships. It seems like you're looking for someone who embodies all of the qualities that you liked in the past with none of the negatives. This person doesn't exist, and by insisting on this, you're torpedoing relationships that may have a great deal of potential. If the women you've been seeing did the same thing, I'm sure they'd find you wanting in some categories.

You've got to stop looking at people as lists of characteristics, and appreciate them more for the unique individuals they are. It also seems that the way you start your relationships -- all hot to trot and excited -- suggests the same problem. Slow down. Try conducting your next romance at a slower pace. You're probably putting each new woman on a pedestal in a way that she could hardly ever live up to. And then, when you come to see her human frailties -- frailties that we all have -- you reject them as not meeting your standards.

Since you've been repeating this pattern for a long time, it will take some concentration and work to rid yourself of these bad habits. Stop making lists of good and bad qualities in your mind. Just relax and enjoy the totality of the other person. No one is perfect.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
This may seem like a minor matter of etiquette, but I would really like some help with this. Three people eat together every day at our company lunchroom and I sometimes end up at the table with them. They engage in prayer before they eat. I'm not exactly sure what to do when this happens.

-- Confused Pagan

Dear Confused Pagan,
Respectful silence would seem the best course. This is certainly far better than jumping in and offering your own prayer, in which you loudly seek to be delivered from the faithful at work.

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