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by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Last week's column brought a number of responses from our readers. Since Dr. Lovemonkey is quite cognizant that he doesn't have a monopoly on wisdom and insight, we encourage others to enter the fray and share their thoughts on any queries of responses. To recap, "High Standards" was the guy who wrote in about sexually "saving himself," while noting that he wasn't opposed to receiving a little oral gratification (he thought this didn't count as "sex"). "Dazed and Confused" recently broke off a relationship, but was still bothered after learning her ex had a newer, younger partner, and "Uncertain" didn't want to marry his girlfriend, because she was Korean-American, and he didn't want a child with Asian features.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I just read your article regarding "High Standards." I think it was absolutely wonderful and entertaining the way you answered this idiot (I'm being kind). I think you hit the nail right on the head (no pun intended). Sounds as though when he gets taken care of -- and when some reciprocation is expected -- he goes into his "High Standard" routine. I thought I'd met and heard them all, but I guess I'm not as old as I thought. Still learning!!! Great column. It was my first time reading it, and I thoroughly enjoyed your frankness and humor.

-- Janet

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Although I do think your answer to "Dazed and Confused" held some compassion and kindness, I must take umbrage at the nugget in your response suggesting that people don't change. People do change. People are also affected by the peripherals in their life. My boyfriend of eight years and I ended our relationship, leaving both of us the better off. Our situation is such that we still occasionally spend time together due to mutual friends. I ask myself, is he wearing make-up? No, it's his new-found glow of confidence. He always pulled his ear with me, so why doesn't he pull his ear with his new girlfriend? Why, he's drinking lemon-water and not chucking that shot of Chivas down his throat!

I am 500 pounds lighter without him. And how come he doesn't know the smile that my new love knows? Did he ever see my finger out of my nose? No. Is it there now? No. To sum it up: we are not chameleons, but we are drained, elongated, lit up, crowded, sweetened, energized, immobilized in the web of, and activated by the people in our lives, especially if we love them. People stay in bad situations for countless reasons. People stay in good situations for better ones. Quite likely, Dazed is better off out, but to assume that her ex-beauette is doing the same dance with her new partner is a party trick to ease the pain of overs. Good columns to you.

-- Amelia B.

Dear Amelia,
Thank you. Point well taken. The dynamics of relationships sometimes do bring out either the good or the bad in us all.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Your usually helpful and insightful advice was nowhere to be found in two of your recent responses. Your answers to "Racist" and "Asshole" included very strong words. It seems as though Dr. Laura has filled in for Dr. Lovemonkey this week.

-- Jason

Dear Jason,
Yes, sometimes the Lovemonkey can be a coarse beast. But "Uncertain's" repugnance at siring a child with Asian features did strike me as racist, and a guy who will allow a woman to orally service him -- and then refuse to reciprocate, because he claims to have "higher standards" -- is, to me, an asshole. To compare this with Dr. Laura's blatant gay-bashing seems, to me, slightly off base.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Your column is great. Here's a question for you: I am a cool guy and shit, but I work too much to chase down a woman. Really. And plus, most of the women in my city (Worcester) aren't too flush in the ol' brains department, or they're taken . . . I end up just hooking up with this girl or that girl for a couple weeks or less. It's a daunting situation. Am I being a wussy-pants?

-- Chris

Dear Chris,
No, I wouldn't call that "wussy-pants," although this is a fine expression and I will try to add it to my vocabulary. Having a highly demanding job can be a definite detriment in the romance department. What you want to look for is another person who's highly committed to their work, and thus, shares and understands your situation. Worcester has a number of colleges, and I'm sure there are quite a few sharp, professional women who stayed on in the city after college (or moved there for the stimulation of being near a campus) and would be right up your alley. The difficulty is locating them.

I understand that, like Dr. Lovemonkey, you are an ink-stained wretch of the print trade. The old-school gang used to hang out in bars a lot, and I'm assuming you're old-school on this point. Bars are always a hit or miss proposition, and you've been missing. You might want to consider making the scene at some professional journalist gathering (we've got 'em down in Providence, and I'm sure they've got 'em up in Worcester). Or look into joints that feature a more professional clientele: cultural events, speeches by interesting people, and stuff on the college campuses. These are all likely places to bump into smart women who have similar interests and might share your workaholic tendencies.

There's no surefire way to run into someone you'll hit it off with, but you can increase the odds by reconsidering where you spend your free time. Good luck.

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