Healing time

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I was going out with a woman for a couple of years and, about three months ago, we broke up. Although I felt miserable for a while, I started feeling pretty good about things pretty quickly. She drank too much and tended to be hypercritical of me. But a couple of weeks ago I found out that she's going out with another woman, a younger, very attractive woman. This has bothered me very much. I thought that I was over her (and, intellectually, I know I am) but apparently the emotional connection is still there and I find myself frequently upset. I don't think that this condition is unique to lesbians, but is this right? Do you have any suggestions about what to do about this?

-- Dazed & Confused

Dear Dazed & Confused,
This is not about right and wrong. The fact is that you authentically feel this and therefore, it's something that you need to deal with to get on with your life. Some of your bothersome thoughts probably center on the assumption that she and her new lover are having this wonderful time. If you think about the things that drove you apart, the drinking and your ex's overly critical ways, you'll realize that she hasn't changed and all the same problems will crop up between her and her new lover. This may sound negative and terrible, but it might be helpful for you emotionally to think about this. It could expedite your mourning over a broken relationship in which there was good reason to break up.

It's also a good idea not to jump into another relationship while you're still feeling this upset. You were wise to do what you've done, but even a bad relationship takes its toll and one can feel at sea. Eventually you will feel better, but these things have to take their course. You're going to be okay. It will just take a little more time, and soon your emotional and intellectual feelings will come together.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with a Korean-American woman for almost two years. She's beautiful, absolutely wonderful, and we have gotten close enough to consider marriage. The only problem is that when I think about us having children, I can't get over the fact that we'll have a multi-racial child. I don't know what this child would look like, but I am very interested. I have seen a number of kids who were the products of Asian-American marriages and some are cute, but many are not. Is there some way of knowing more about how a child between the two of us might look? Maybe it sounds shallow, but I'm hesitant to consider marriage seriously until I've worked through this.

-- Uncertain

Dear Uncertain,
You're not shallow, you're a racist. You are right to be hesitant about getting married. Eva Braun died in the bunker, so the chances of your finding a mate are slim. I can't help you except to say there's no way I know of to tell what anybody's offspring will look like, regardless of ethnic origins. You need to get de-programmed.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
For the past four or five months, a woman that I'm seeing has been getting pissed at me because of my sexual attitudes. You see, I am very concerned about having sex with someone before I marry. Call me prudish or unusually safety conscious, but I tell the women about this up front before going out with them. As with this woman, most of them find this attitude impressive.

So what happens is we have oral sex. The past few times this has happened, this particular woman has wanted to go all the way and I have refused. Then she gets pissed. I told her all about this in the beginning. Am I being a jerk? I don't think so, because I've been totally honest and I'm trying to live up to a standard that is difficult for me to maintain, too.

-- High Standard

Dear High Standard,
Where did you get the idea that "oral sex" isn't not sex? Also, the doctor does not know what sort of oral sex we are talking about here. Is this a mutual thing, or is she merely servicing you? This could make a difference.

I don't know about your alleged "high standard," but it shouldn't seem surprising that, after engaging in sexual activity (i.e., oral sex), that one or both partners would want to consummate things with intercourse. It's like stimulating someone with lots of foreplay and then walking away, leaving the other person frustrated, because you think that you're preserving your "high standards."

Back where Dr. Lovemonkey comes from, we have a word to describe people like yourself -- asshole. In order to be fully honest with the future women in your life, so they will be able to meet your higher standard, Dr. Lovemonkey suggests that you embrace this word. When you introduce yourself to a potential lover, tell her, "I do not plan to have sexual intercourse with you. This is because I have a high standard and the standard is that I am an asshole. Not an ordinary asshole, but a very special asshole. Would you like to blow me?" The woman who enthusiastically accepts this honest and straightforward come on is just the one for you.

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