Dating dilemma

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a 23-year-old single mom and ready to start dating again. The problem is, I don't know how to approach it. I go to school full-time, work part-time, and hate to waste any other time being away from my son. I can't meet guys when I'm out during the day, because I'm not comfortable flirting when my son is with me. My parents take my son overnight three or four times a month, so that I can have some free time. Sometimes I'm too tired to go out, but when I do go to a bar or club, the guys I meet are unintelligent, looking for a one-nighter or just strange. Can you offer any help?

P.S., I have met a couple of good guys, but they don't understand that I'm looking for someone for me, not to play daddy to my son.

-- Single Mom

Dear Single Mom,
It's good to know that your priorities are well ordered. Your first obligation is being a mom to your son and you seem focused on that. You're also fortunate enough to have your son's grandparents involved in your life and willing (and I imagine, happy) to care for him a few times a month. Maybe bars and clubs aren't the best place for you to be seeking companionship. Most nightspots tend to be singles' scenes, and guys looking for one-nighters are par for the course.

Are you involved in any other civic or group events? Are there any organizations or social settings, other than nightclubs and bars, that you're interested or involved in? For instance, is your son old enough to be involved in a play group? These are places where you can often meet other single parents.

Don't be so hard on guys who, as you say, want "to play daddy to my son." It's not a good idea out to go out with someone who fails to recognize that your son is a major part of your life. It's also not a good idea for you to compartmentalize your son as someone who's outside any other relationship you may get involved in. If that's what you're looking for, it's not a whole lot different from the guys who want one-nighters. If you want an intelligent and thoughtful guy, it would follow that he'd be someone who would also be interested in your son. It's rare to find such a person in a bar or club.

By the way, you don't have to overtly "flirt" with someone to get to know them better. If there's someone that you run into frequently in your daytime activities, someone you really like and think is a possibility, why not ask them out? It seems that you're trying to make a clear separation between your potential romantic life and your life as a mother, and that's not a good thing.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I met a couple of women the other evening in a bar and found myself quite attracted to one of them. They apparently are best pals (possibly roommates) and go out to places together on a regular basis. I had a pleasant discussion with both of them and, although I was not able to secure a phone number to call the one I'm interested in, I did get an e-mail address.

I did e-mail the dynamic duo and got a response from the one I wasn't interested in. Do you think this means the one I'm interested in is not interested in me? Might she be fobbing me off on her friend, who may actually be interested in me?

-- Wondering

Dear Wondering,
Well, we don't know what the deal is with these two, do we? It could have been that one of them handles all the e-mail, and it could be that you have indeed sparked the interest of the other one. One of the true ironies of courtship, from the male perspective, anyway, is that the more interest you show in someone, the more wary they become. Did you give greater attention to the one you are interested in? That would probably make sense and also explain the reason why the other one has responded to your e-mail.

Your best bet is to ask them both out to meet you for drinks. You will then be able to assess the situation more closely, and decide whether your preferred date is actually interested in you or if they've already worked something out among themselves. They may very well have done this, much to your chagrin. But it would be worthwhile for you to meet them one more time and figure it out from there. You're not going to come between the two of them, so you should at least be pals with both of them.

I suspect that you'll get a much clearer picture if you get together with them both. If it appears that you have already been assigned to the one you're not interested in, you're out of luck for the time being, because they've already decided and, as usual, the women are in the driver's seat here. If that's not the case, and you have the patience, hang around with both of them for a while until you feel that you can safely make your move. You're probably already screwed on this one, but it's worth another shot.

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