The romance game

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a 21-year-old woman who, until a couple of months ago, was a virgin. Here's what happened: I work as a bartender at a place that's attached to a motor court. A few months ago, my aunt (who I'm very close to) was in a very bad automobile accident. She survived and, thankfully, is on the mend. But on the night after the accident, we didn't know if she was going to live, or how badly she was injured. I had to work and was not doing too well, feeling pretty down and everything.

Anyway, a guy who was staying at the motor inn stopped by for a few drinks and we started talking. He was very nice and supportive and, as one thing led to another, I ended up going back to his room with him. That's how I ended up losing my virginity. He was still very nice the next morning, but told me that "maybe" we'd see each other again and he wasn't willing to give me his phone number. However, because I'm friendly with the people at the motor inn, I was able to get information about this guy (such as his address) from the register.

About three weeks later, he called and suggested that we get together for another evening. I questioned him about why he was being so secretive, and he admitted that he had a female roommate, but said they were "just friends." He also said, however, that I shouldn't call him there just the same.

He is really a nice guy and we went out again for the evening with . . . you can guess the results. He is still interested in seeing me, but I'm uneasy about his secretiveness and not so sure about his relationship with his "roommate." I am new to the romance game so I don't exactly know how to play this. Should I see him again?

-- Lonely Girl

Dear Lonely Girl,
Too many red flags here. First of all, he took advantage of you when you were in a vulnerable state. Also, as the person who initiated you into sexual activity, he might have been even more sensitive to you. I don't buy the "just roommates" story, either. Fuhgeddaboutit. This guy is bad news, and you're being badly served by seeing him at all. Call it off now and move on to situations that aren't so fraught with secretiveness and insensitivity.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm 36, was married for 10 years and have a wonderful 8-year-old son. I've been divorced for almost two years now. For the past seven months, I've been going out with a guy who is 44 and never married. He's really wonderful -- great with my son, warm and intimate with me, and really a very good prospect for a mate. I know that he's not seeing anyone else and is not a player. He's definitely a one-woman man. Marriage is the direction I would like to head in, but he is resistant to the idea.

I've brought up the idea of marriage on a couple of occasions and each time he either sloughs it off or actually gets a little angry. "Why screw up a great relationship," seems to be his attitude. I don't know if he's got commitment-phobia or what, but I really don't want to be "the girlfriend" for the next 10 or 20 years.

I'll admit that things are great right now, but I'm very much wanting to make this official. I think that I deserve it and so does my son. At the same time, I'm afraid that if I make a big case out of this, my beau will just get angry, and I'll blow the whole thing. What should I do?

-- Wants the Ring

Dear Wants the Ring,
It sounds like this is a great guy, but also someone who is definitely commitment-phobic. Let's face it: from his point of view, he's got the whole package without the commitment now, so there's no reason for him to change his mind and open up to the possibility of marriage.

If you are certain that marriage is what you want, then, as unpleasant as it is for him to discuss it with you, you've got to press the point. Pressure him on the specifics of why he won't consider marriage. Perhaps he will open up if you push it. Sounds as if he likes everything about the idea of a family, except the official status.

Dr. Lovemonkey got married at age 50 and it was one of the best things I've ever done. For years, I argued with myself against the idea for a number of reasons, but if you really feel committed to someone you love, that overwhelms all arguments to the contrary. Obviously, it was a much easier decision for Dr. Lovemonkey than for your boyfriend, but I do think that I have some sense of his fear.

You do deserve this and he does, too. If, as you say, you don't want to go on with this sort of halfway status, and he just won't commit, you apply a little shock treatment. If that doesn't work, break it off with him. After a few weeks of being without you and your son, he will have to more seriously evaluate his position and return with a new attitude. If he doesn't, then you know he's never going to commit, and you'd do better by looking for someone else. I do hope that he changes his mind, but it sounds like you'll have to take strong measures to make it happen.

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