Vagina Friendly Badge Boy: The Final Chapter

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Regular readers of the column will recall the dialogue that began with the letter in July from a woman who encountered a man wearing a badge that said "Vagina Friendly." She felt this was inappropriate, and Dr. Lovemonkey agreed because of the context in which the man was wearing the badge. Finally, we have received a letter from someone who claims to be the original "Badge Boy." This is what he has to say:

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
The word is context. Does anyone out in the Capital City get it? Webster's New World Dictionary defines context as: "the parts just before and after a passage that determine its meaning." I believe "Vagina Friendly" says it all. Or does it? Since moving here to Lil' Rhody, I have had many monikers. Chef Boy, Pumkin Monkey and now "Badge Boy." I will refrain from insulting my fellow baboon for the other sophomoric name-calling until later.

I believe that I am the man in question in your recent columns about the "vagina friendly" pin. In fact, I know I'm the "ridiculous clod." I have seen the Vagina Monologues and have been a supporter of women's issues since I began my education at 30-something. I have been involved in academia and as a volunteer in everything, from battered and homeless women's projects to child-care for women in school who seek roles in gender-biased occupations. The last time I wore (the pin) was when my lesbian reporter friend was visiting me from Los Angeles.

I had been wearing the pin for two reasons. One, as you stated in the July 7 column, and, as Laura B. much more kindly put it in her response on July 14, "to proclaim my hetero bona fides" which were recently brought into question by a friend/lover who is an employee at Brown. She believed I was gay at first (not that there's anything wrong with that!) and I have since proved otherwise. Thus, the gift of the pin, tongues in cheek, thank you very much.

Be that as it may, the second reason is the significance of the overall information the monologues and the "V" Group offer up. For the message is of high importance to me as a human being. Yet in frustration, I no longer wear the pin and have not since mid-June.

If shock factor were the only reason to wear it, I would not have. The main focus of the display was to encourage frank and open discussion with my human counterparts on such issues as abuse of women and the world politics of vagina mutilation. Yes, in many countries girls have their vaginas sewn up as a form of birth control. To me, this is as appalling as world hunger or ethnic cleansing. All these subjects are worthy of open discussion in a civilized society.

Finally, upon wearing the pin to work, I was nearly terminated. Several students complained, and rather than being asked, as many inquiring minds have, "Where did you get that?" or "What does that mean?," I was asked to remove the pin or be subject to termination. The pin was actually viewed by female students as a form of sexual harassment. Talk about "out of context," let alone free speech and killing the messenger before the message is received . . . gee whiz.

This event and similar encounters as with ellafan (the writer who originally brought this issue to our attention) has caused me to stop wearing the pin in public. Sad to say, it evokes more hostility than dialogue from women, and most men view it as some sort of anti-gay bullhorn, even though I am not anti-gay. I'm just a quirky friendly fellow who was using a device to try to open people's eyes to bigger problems than their own. I failed.

I am a heterosexual man who is comfortable with his sexuality, a conflict theorist/symbolic interactionist socially, who has a conscience and is civil to humans. Yet I realized I was part of the problem, not a solution, and therefore I have forsaken my adornment. In retrospect, what disturbs me most is that if I were some kind of tattooed, beer-swilling, bad ass, smack-my-girlfriend around type, the display of the pin would be apropos. Why? What's wrong here? Some people just don't get it. They just don't care about anyone except themselves. Or they just don't care about someone else's agenda. I say, Lead, follow or get out of the fucking way.

So, to "ellafan," I am sorry if I offended. I hope we can still be boat-mates. To Laura B., thank you for your kind, thoughtful, humanistic interjections. To Dr. Lovemonkey, I have been called many things, but at a few years shy of 40, to be tagged with the handle "Badge Boy" from a man who has the last name Cheeks and writes a sex forum . . . give me a break, dude. Now I want a button that says "ridiculous clod" from you and, perhaps, "Cheeks friendly" for me and see what a fuss it makes. Carpe diem, everyone!

-- Badge Boy

Dear Badge Boy,
Two things: First, I do not consider this a "sex forum," but more a relationship help and dating etiquette forum. The other is that, despite your good intentions in wearing the "Vagina Friendly" pin, perhaps you have seen that it was a ham-handed way of trying to engender discussion about important issues. There are better ways to accomplish your mission without the confusion brought on by "the pin."

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