Wrap it up

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My boyfriend, with whom I've been going out for six months, won't wear a condom. He says that it's uncomfortable, or that every time he tries to put one on he loses his erection, or that it might slip off, etc. No matter what I say to try to convince him to wear one, he just won't do it.

The thing is that, every month, I get really stressed out about my period. My concern about getting pregnant has me at the end of my rope. I'm constantly worrying about it. We're not ready to settle down, nor am I in a position to have a baby right now (I'm 19). Can you think of anything to say or do that can change this situation?

-- Stress City

Dear Stress City,
This guy, after you've attempted for six months to convince him to be responsible, is acting too much like a bonehead for you to continue the relationship. Basically, you've got a few options. First, you can tell him that there'll be no intercourse without the condom. If that doesn't get his attention, I'd seriously consider moving on and finding someone who is willing to show some basic responsibility.

The third option is for you to look into a diaphragm or an IUD as a means of birth control. This, of course, does not mitigate against disease, but since that's not the issue that's been stressing you out, this could be one way of dealing with the issue.

The fact is that the responsibility for being sexual active is a shared one. This guy is being quite selfish. Does he know how stressed out you are about this? If you haven't expressed to him how you've been living in fear of an unwanted pregnancy, you should. Frankly, a person this thoughtless is probably not a very good bet for a long-term intimate relationship, so my best advice is to drop El Bonehead before things get even more complicated.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with this guy at work for about four months and, although I love him dearly, he seems distant a lot of the time when we are at work. He works in the office and I work on the floor. He's not my supervisor or anything, but he is much higher up in the company than I am. He hasn't really been open with other people at the company about our relationship and, while I don't think he's embarrassed by it, I think this is very odd.

Things are just fine outside of the workplace. We have a really warm relationship and a lot of fun when we're together. I haven't mentioned our relationship to anyone that works with us and apparently he hasn't, either. I know this because another of our co-workers mentioned to me the other day that she thought Joe was "hot" -- something I don't think she'd do if she knew we were going together. I would have mentioned that we were an "item," but I decided to be discreet about the situation. I can't help but think that my discretion was subconscious and that I was doing it to protect his image.

I don't feel good about this and am wondering if you think I did the right thing by not revealing our relationship.

-- A.H.

Dear A.H.,
There's nothing wrong with discretion, but I am also a bit disturbed by your boyfriend's seeming reluctance to share his happiness with your fellow workers. Could this be a situation of convenience for him? I don't know, but I agree with you that this is odd and does not sound healthy.

Perchance, have you ever read the book An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser? Your situation has some interesting parallels with this story. It was written in the early part of the 20th century so, if you are a fan of vintage novels, I'd suggest you make it over to the library and check it out.

If, however, like most contemporary folk, you are more viscerally oriented, may I suggest the film version, A Place In the Sun (1951) with Montgomery Clift, Elizabeth Taylor, and Shelley Winters. Monty plays a guy working at a factory who's going out with Shelley Winters, one of the line workers. Things are looking up for him, especially after he meets the boss's daughter, Elizabeth Taylor and starts running around with her. He keeps this relationship hidden from poor Shelley Winters, who, meanwhile, becomes pregnant, thanks to Monty. Monty ends up drowning Shelley in a lake. He is ultimately found out and gets the chair.

I'm not saying that Shelley's plight is necessarily your story or your fate, but it could be that the emotions Monty goes through in the film (and, boy, that Monty Clift could emote), sound eerily familiar to your boyfriend's behavior. He's quite conscious of his social status. Of course, it doesn't hurt that this is Liz at the height of her beauty (I think she was about 19 when they shot this film) and Shelley is made up to look slatternly.

Maybe you should discuss this secretive behavior with your boyfriend. In the meantime, if he suggests that you rent a rowboat for a little excursion on an isolated lake, you should pass. There's also the notion that your boyfriend, like Monty in real life, is actually gay and doesn't know it yet. Regardless of what happens from here on in, rent the video. It's a strapping good tale.

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