The bare facts

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Here's my problem. I've been going out with a great woman for eight months. Our relationship is great emotionally, sexually, intellectually -- basically in every way. However, for years now, starting when I was single, I've been going to strip clubs. On occasion, I'll even pay for a lap dance.

But my girlfriend just doesn't understand, no matter how often I explain to her, that this can't in any way be considered cheating. I have no personal relationships with the dancers. It's just something that I have always enjoyed. She will not accept this, and tells me that I've got to stop. What else should I tell her to make her understand?

-- Fan Dance Fan

Dear Fan Dance Fan,
This may not be "cheating" per se, but I'm with your girlfriend on this one. It's perfectly legal to go to strip clubs, and Dr. Lovemonkey does not necessarily see anything wrong with going. It is, once again, the all-important "context" that matters here.

You are currently engaged in an intimate relationship with another person. The reason that one goes to a strip club is for sexual titillation. For your relationship to mature and grow in intimacy and meaning, it behooves you to invest your sexual desires within that relationship. Your girlfriend may see this as "cheating" because you are, indeed, cheating her of the focus that should rightfully consist of the two of you. You are investing part of your sexual desires elsewhere.

So while you may argue that "technically" you're not cheating, your behavior is similar to that of one who continues to have a close confidante outside of a romantic relationship. Your girlfriend is being honest with her feelings here, and it's not good for your relationship to be spreading around your sexual fantasies.

If your relationship matters to you, it's time to grow up and stop going to strip clubs. Dr. Lovemonkey's main reason for considering strip clubs as dubious establishments is that they basically reduce sexuality to an immature and base form of sexual/sensual experience. They are all about the appreciation of other humans as pieces of meat.

The glorification of tits and ass may be a phase that most men go through, but it's primarily a de-humanized one and hardly represents sexual maturity. Strip clubs pander to the lowest level of sexual fantasy. Being stuck at that primitive a stage is distressing not only to your girlfriend, but Dr. Lovemonkey as well.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I recently went out with a guy who surprised me. I decided to go on this date because he seemed nice and, frankly, I really didn't have anything better to do. As the night wore on, I found myself having a great time and found this guy more and more attractive. (I have to confess that initially I wasn't too attracted to him.)

Well, as fate would have it, it started getting late and he suggested that we go back to his place and spend the night. I told him that that was okay, but I didn't want to have sex. We ended up in bed together and, throughout the night, he kept making advances, which I resisted. Finally, I stopped resisting and we had sex.

Now I want to keep seeing him, but I can't help thinking that I made a big mistake. After all, now that we've done it, he'll probably expect this as a regular thing. I want to go slow with this, but how do I do that now?

-- Uncertain How to Continue

Dear Uncertain How to Continue,
You're quite perceptive to realize the dangers of having sex on the first date with someone with whom you might want to initiate a relationship. It's almost always best to move slowly until you get to know each other better.

At this point, what you want to do is talk to the guy, and explain that you usually don't have sex with someone so early in a relationship, and that you feel uneasy about it. Tell him that you'd like to hold back and wait a little bit. If he's an honorable sort and is really interested in pursuing a relationship (despite his obviously raging hormones), he'll find this totally acceptable. It's not unusual for people of good will to jump the gun, but it's not an irredeemable situation.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My boyfriend seems to be losing interest in me. Our sex life is becoming more and more stale. He says that he's never been able to stay with any one person to long, and needs variety in his sex life. We've been together for about a year and, although he says he hasn't been with anyone else yet (and I believe him), he's been sparking up some pretty sexually charged relationships via the Internet.

Is there something I can say or do to try and get this back on track? Oh yeah, we're gay.

-- Feeling Lonely

Dear Feeling Lonely,
To the Doctor, your sexual orientation is neither here nor there. These are serious red flags your boyfriend is sending up, and my gut tells me that it's time for you to move on. He doesn't sound like a one-man man. If you're looking for faithfulness, this ain't the guy. Time to break up.

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