Second opinions

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

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Note: This week's letters clarify some issues from earlier columns. Dr. Lovemonkey, who is certainly not infallible, appreciates the feedback. The first letter has to do with Dr. Lovemonkey's response in the July 6 column to "ellafan," who wrote about running into a man who was wearing a button with the inscription "Vagina Friendly" at a social event. She found this confusing, as did Dr. Lovemonkey. The second letter is in response to a letter, published in the June 29 column, about a woman who was jealous that her fiancee was taking part in a wedding party for his friend.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I was appalled to read your response to "ellafan's" letter regarding a gentleman wearing a "vagina friendly" pin. As a woman associated with the Brown University production of The Vagina Monologues, I can tell you that this pin is, in fact, associated with the show, at least here at Brown. The cast and crew of the show for the past several years has been overwhelmingly female, but men were welcome and were involved at all levels. (In fact, my close friend Ryan Maxwell was the head director of the show last year.) One of the goals of the show is to reach out to both men and women, and one of the ways this is done is by distributing and wearing show paraphernalia, including the pin in question.

It may be that "badge boy" was re-appropriating the "Vagina Friendly" slogan to "proclaim his hetero bona fides," but it seems more likely that he believes himself to be supporting the show and its feminist message. In any case, I hope that "ellafan" refrains from treating him like a "ridiculous clod," since he likely has only the best of intentions.

I hope that, for the sake of "badge boy" and everyone else associated with The Vagina Monologues, you will print some sort of retraction in next week's edition of the Phoenix. Sincerely,

-- Laura B.

Dear Laura B.,
Dr. Lovemonkey is certainly glad that you explained the connection between the play and the button in question. It still seems confusing and leaves a largely unfathomable message for the uninitiated, though, to wear the button outside of the context of the play. If the button were to say, for instance "Vagina Monologues Friendly," there would be far less confusion.

Let's say, for instance, that there was a play out there called "Big Dick Boys are Kinda Silly," with a strong pro-feminist/thoughtful masculinity message. If they were to pass out "Big Dick Friendly" buttons, only the initiated would know what this was about and anyone wearing the button might run the risk of appearing foolish. It certainly is a positive message to show that one is familiar with a much-lauded theatrical production. Still, it's a matter of context. Let's just hope that a lot of people read this and now know that the button is, indeed, related to the play.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Just a note about the "reluctant usher." His fiancee is not "overreacting a bit." She's overreacting a lot. If this guy has any friends, chances are he'll take part in other bridal parties, as we all have, and clearly should not have to endure any jealousy on the part of his fiancee for this. Taking part in a wedding, and walking down the aisle with another woman (with whom you are paired based entirely on height, I might add) is absolutely normal, and has no overtones of anything. It's something that mature adults, and even some immature ones, should be able to do without question.This is one of those warning signs that should not be discounted. This man will, in the future, encounter problems with his wife if he has to do such things as work with another woman on a project, travel with one on a business trip, or take a female client out to lunch. These things should not be a source of guilt or complications for this man. This guy needs to consider these sort of situations and whether he wants to endure the same jealousy and disapproval again and again in the future.

Note: If this fiancee is actually from another culture and doesn't understand how weddings and bridal parties work, perhaps it will be sufficient to explain to her some of the nuances of the "sea foam green" bridesmaid dresses which can only be worn once, rented shoes that don't fit and groomsmen who don't really even want to socialize with the bridesmaids (who they probably don't even know). They'd rather be drinking from the Scotch-filled flasks given by the groom as gifts to his boys.

-- Mr. "Don't Ignore the Warning Signs"

Dear Mr. Don't Ignore,
Perhaps I was too gentle with "Reluctant Usher" in my response to his dilemma. But you will notice that I also warned him that this level of unwarranted jealousy is a danger sign for future relations with his fiancee. You are correct. Dr. Lovemonkey is frequently chastised for what some of his readers consider a "too harsh" point of view, so it could be that I sometimes try to handle writers with more understanding than the situation deserves. The "different culture" angle is something I had not considered, but this, once again, is perceptive on your part. It could very well be that our reluctant usher is engaged to someone who comes from a background where this level of jealousy and possessiveness is culturally acceptable. I appreciate your clarification and thoughts on this issue.

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