Excitable boy

by Rudy Cheeks

Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to lovemonkey[a]phx.com.

---

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm one of those guys who comes on too fast, too soon. I realize this about myself, but I just can't help it. In the past, this has jinxed many a beginning relationship, although I'm trying to curb my overly enthusiastic ways. The problem is I've done it again. I met a woman that I really liked. I asked her out and then started sending her flowers, calling her daily and (I know) pushing too hard. She is now backing off, unwilling to see me. When I call her, I get her answering machine most of the time, even though I'm almost positive that she's there in the house, screening my calls.

-- Mr. Enthusiasm

Dear Mr. Enthusiasm,
You sound like you've identified your problem, but it's not a surplus of enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is contagious and something that is shared. What you are doing is appearing overly needy to the women with whom you have tried to spark a romance. This almost always ends in driving the other person away. Well-adjusted people do not find neediness attractive.

What you have to do in your current situation, I'm sorry to say, is walk away. The letter of apology and remorse you wish to write would just be another manifestation of your neediness. The essence of your situation is that you are allowing your insecurities to take over. Just relax and, for the moment, forget about trying to coax a relationship out of women whom you are attracted to. Spend your time discovering those things that you take pleasure in and then do them. If you like sports, go play some tennis, or softball, or golf. If you enjoy theater, attend the theater (alone or with someone you are not attempting to start a relationship with).

Practice interacting with both men and women as friends and companions without romance being part of the equation. Get really good at that and you'll feel more relaxed. Then you'll be able to behave more offhandedly with the women you're interested in, and be more capable of making a subdued and acceptable move. Your recent attempts at finding romance have been too rife with desperation and neediness, something that most folks (and especially women) can smell from a mile away.

Once you have mastered the art of just being your amiable, nice guy self, you are ready to slowly get back into the world of dating. At that time, go and start anew, secure in the knowledge that your new, more laid-back persona is one that others can enjoy in the moment without feeling a sense of pressure.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm writing to you because I don't know who else to ask. At a recent gathering of fairly respectable people, one of the attendees was wearing a pin (like a campaign pin) which read, "V----- FRIENDLY." Now, I wasn't going to encourage such things by asking the wearer about this, but I was curious. Was this a souvenir from the recent New York play, The Vagina Monologues? Was he advertising his sexual preference? Or was he using a novel approach to declaring his feminist political stance? Have you ever heard of such a thing? I currently try to avoid talking to this guy when we are in the same group, but since we volunteer for the same organization, I expect to run into him again and again. Help! Your fan and Ella's.

-- Ellafan

Dear Ellafan,
As intrigued as I am by your dilemma, I'm equally curious about your "handle" (as nicknames used to call them during the CB radio craze of the '70s), Ellafan. Are you a head ramrod in the Ella Fitzgerald fan club? If so, count me in -- you just can't beat those American Songbook records.

As to your acquaintance, Badge Boy, I'm of the opinion that the people producing The Vagina Monologues (which, despite its provocative title, is reputed to be a theatrical presentation of some quality and distinction) would not likely stoop to such a pedestrian marketing ploy. I may be wrong about this, since I'm frequently surprised at the extent to which people in show business will go to promote their current project. But that is beside the point.

I suspect this fellow is proclaiming his hetero bona fides in a rather ham-handed and inappropriate fashion. Most thoughtful folk don't run around in sweaters, badges or sandwich boards emblazoned with the word or words for intimate body parts. This seems to be an upscale variation of those louts who appear in public with T-shirts or ball caps featuring phrases containing four-letter epithets. A regrettable trend, indeed.

You are right to avoid this ridiculous clod. If you are certain that you will encounter this unfortunate monkey, you could always use the one-time device of wearing a button of your own design, proclaiming "Partial to Penis" or "Not Partial to Penis," depending on what the case may be. While the intention would be to tip Badge Boy off to the fact that he's making a ludicrous spectacle of himself, I fear it would only encourage him to hit on you. Suffice to say, if you are running in social circles of reasonable adults, he has probably already alienated all in eyeshot.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archives

---